Living My Jesuit Call

Looking Back, Looking Forward - Regency

2011-08-02T13:58:00.000-07:00

When I was applying for the Jesuits, I was thinking about my back-up plan if I was denied. If not a Jesuit, I wanted to be a teacher. I probably would have applied for a program like Teach for America had I not been accepted (and then the back-up for that just for kicks would have been to train as a masseur. I used to give massages before I entered, and many said I did a pretty good job). Who I am most definitely has been influenced by the many wonderful teachers I have had throughout my life, and I feel incredibly blessed to have been provided the education I received. They helped to shape and develop the person I am today and the way I think about the world around me.

As a result, I look to the future and towards my upcoming assignment at Jesuit High School with a lot of excitement and consolation. In this upcoming period of my formation called regency, most Jesuits are typically missioned to teach high school at one of our Jesuit high schools around the country for around two to three years. I will be teaching four sections of freshmen faith formation, and with two of my other Jesuit brothers teaching the same class, none of these freshmen will be able to get away from Jesuit without having had at least one Jesuit in the classroom.

It's a curious thing to think that, at age 27, this will be my first full time job ever, since I entered the Jesuits right out of college. I have spent practically all of my life in the classroom, which obviously will not change in these upcoming years. But, I will now be on the opposite side of the classroom for a change, and thank God for that!

In preparation for regency, I had the privilege along with a number of other neo-regents from across the country to get some teacher training here in California. Half of the group was placed at Bellarmine Prep in San Jose, and the other half was placed at St. Ignatius High School in San Francisco, which is where I was assigned for the summer. Working with my master teacher, I was able to make some important notes about the vital details I need to keep in mind for the fall such as classroom management and lesson planning. If I can come up with some arbitrary numbers, it seems to me that 10% of teaching is the actual content of a course and 90% of teaching is the manner in which that content is conveyed to the students.

When I was talking to a older Jesuit a number of weeks ago, he remarked that I should simply aim at surviving my first year of regency. Well, that seems like a rather minimal goal to have and which also gives the sense that the first year teaching will kinda suck. While surviving might be what ends up happening, I would like to do more than simply survive my first year in regency. My goal is to thrive God willing.

As a teacher, I expect to be quite demanding at an appropriate level for incoming freshmen while being fair at the same time. I want to begin challenging them to think critically about faith and to provide them with the some tools to begin thinking about it more deeply. I hope to develop budding prayer lives that aims at a relationship of depth with God. While doing this, I also want to love my students, and this certainly does not mean giving out an easy 'A.'

Well, these are goals anyway and hopefully what I don't end up doing is simply crashing-and-burning. And hopefully I don't end up burning for being considered a heretic, lol.

I would like to mention that I am extremely grateful thus far to have amazing support from the school and Jesuit community in Portland. I feel that they have gone out of their way to show how much they are looking forward to having new Jesuits and have made sure that the proper structures are in place to enable me to do my best.

This is the final post of this series that I have written throughout this past week. If you have been following along, I hope it has been a good read. I was given a real gift the other day when an incoming Jesuit novice wrote me saying how much he found my writing over the past year to be moving and inspirational to him. That makes my writing completely worth the time. I never know who reads it, but I throw my seeds (or whatever it is I throw) and hope that my reader is able to find at least one thing that is helpful to them.

I'm now off to Los Altos, CA for an 8-day silent retreat. But, before that, my sister has just come home with sesame balls. Mmmmmmm

Looking Back, Looking Forward - First Studies

2011-07-30T16:22:00.000-07:00

The day after I took First Vows, my provincial gave me my first mission--to live at Ciszek Hall in the Bronx and to study philosophy at Fordham University. A few months ago, after three years there, I finally graduated with, as we like to say in my community, the highly elusive and coveted MAPR (Master's in Philosophical Resources). The MAPR is similar to an MA in philosophy, except that its requirements are much different. We approach philosophy historically, starting with Plato and Aristotle and work our way forward. The program culminates with the De Universa - an oral exam administered by three philosophy professors who grill you for one hour about broad philosophical questions.

Many Jesuits strongly see this mission as a true act of obedience, as they would much rather be doing something else. They validly ask what how philosophy is relevant to their work as Jesuits, and some do in fact say that philosophy has little to no influence with their current work. Some tell horror stories of their time in philosophy--one had such a strong visceral reaction to first studies that upon visiting the old site where he studied many years before, he promptly threw up.

During my time at Seattle University, it was my own choice to study philosophy during my first two years there. I actually rather like the discipline, although I'm quite aware that I'm in the minority position here. So, I found myself in a privileged position, since some of my other Jesuit brothers hadn't studied philosophy before.

My approach to philosophy stems from the root meaning of the word. Philo in the Greek means love and sophia means wisdom. At its core, philosophy is a journey towards the love of wisdom, which is a helpful trait to have as a Jesuit. Indeed, love of God should not contradict love of wisdom -- these loves should very much be in harmony. Of course, that is a disputable point depending on one's perspective, but Christian thinkers I assume would not argue with me on that.

One of the lessons from my philosophy studies at Seattle University that I carried with me into Fordham was the importance of slow thinking. The questions that philosophers have asked throughout the centuries are not easy ones to grasp, and it necessarily demands a lot of time, energy, and patience if one is to plumb its depths of meaning. For me, I have never been satisfied simply regurgitating what ancient philosophers have stated about a particular topic. I seek to understand the importance of the questions being asked and to ponder why they are being asked in the first place. I also ponder whether the question being asked is relevant, which does not always seem so because some philosophers don't seem to know how to put forward a clear thought. At least it seems that way to the contemporary ear. And, to be honest, some of their questions are rather irrelevant today.

Some of the more compelling questions I encountered were: What does it mean to be a human being? How did the universe come to be? What can we know of the world around us? Can anything meaningful ever be said of God philosophically, or must we necessarily rely on Scripture? (The Catholic Church historically has used philosophical discourse to talk about God without relying on faith as a way of asserting that God-talk is indeed possible even without faith while stressing that reason alone can only take us so far) Why is there evil in the world? What is truth? What is justice? Are we truly free beings? The quest of philosophy is the quest for understanding, to set aside substantial time to reflect and meditate upon some of these big questions. In an age where so many can live an unreflected life spurred on by habit, routine, and technology, philosophy necessarily requires the person to step back and to consider the life one leads in light of these major questions.

For me, the most significant questions related to those concerning human nature, to God, and to an understanding of the created world (some claim the universe simply 'is' and never had a beginning point, a claim I don't buy). While most of the philosophers we engage with are dead, I would think about the type of questions I would want to ask were the philosopher alive today. For me, philosophy is not about looking back to the past and dwelling there ad nauseum. Minimally, it is at least entertaining the idea that the philosophers of the past might have something worthwhile to say to the present, which might challenge the way we look and understand the world in our own time and place. Might what they say uncover false assumptions and opinions that we hold today? Or, how might we respond to their questions and give clarity to our own thought?

So, the question is: why is philosophy studies relevant for a Jesuit? It is important to acknowledge that we live in an age where people more readily question their beliefs and no longer view tradition as a sufficient source for truth. The Catholic Church, as a result, continues to be in need of those who are willing to critically think and give well-reasoned responses to today's probing questions. As religious, people expect us to know what we are talking about, and they can smell bull**** from a mile away. Of course, studying philosophy will not magically give us all the answers we need. Indeed, sometimes it leaves us with more questions than answers. And sometimes it just leaves us dazed and confused. I think, though, that the practice of critical thinking is essential in our ministries, as I have witnessed many people who do not respect and who readily dismiss priests they deem to be incompetent.

Second, most of the philosophers we study are not people of faith. It is very easy for religious people to live in their own bubble and to expect that everyone should think the same way they do. It is much easier to converse and talk with those who share our same beliefs. Yet, in an increasingly globalized and diverse world, it is essential for us to be able to develop the skill to have honest and meaningful conversations with those who see otherwise, and one of the ways this is done is by truly making the effort to see as the other sees. Nothing is so maddening as those who pompously assume they are right without even respecting what the other has to say. One might be right, but what is gained if the other is alienated in the process? Philosophy truly is a time when we are forced to try to see things the way others see them. We don't have to agree, but the manner in which we disagree is essential to the way we relate to the world today.

Finally, Jesuits are challenged to find God in all things. I remember my provincial urging us who were going to embark in philosophical study to do our best to find God in our work. For me, this became an important interpretive lens as I sifted through various philosophers. If I was conscientious, I tried to ask where God was found in what I was reading and studying, and trust me, it can very much seem like God is absent in the studies. Thankfully, I feel that I was able to keep this challenge in front of me in many instances, as many of the papers I wrote reflected this struggle of finding God. If I may exaggerate, if one can find God in philosophy, then one can find God anywhere.

I can write so much more about the past three years, and indeed I have so much more to say. For example, there was so much I learned and experienced during this time that was really important to my growth and development and that has absolutely nothing to do with philosophy. But, this post is already getting long, so I'll restrict this post primarily to reflecting on the academic aspect of my previous mission. I'll end by saying that I find myself quite grateful for my time in first studies in spite of the numerous challenges I faced, and I was privileged to feel God's intimate presence in a variety of ways during the past three years.

On an unrelated note, tomorrow is the Feast of St. Ignatius day - a cause for celebration. I intend to do just that =p Happy St. Ignatius day!

Looking Back, Looking Forward - The Novitiate

2011-07-28T21:57:00.000-07:00

On August 19, 2006, I entered the Jesuits. I sometimes get some strange questions like: "how long does it take until you become a Jesuit?" Well, it's not like I should expect everyone to know everything about our lives. When men choose to enter that door to their respective novitiates on entrance day, that is the day they become Jesuits. Of course, we are always growing more and more into that identity, but we are technically considered a part of the order at that time.

Some Jesuits look at me funny when I mention that I actually enjoyed my two-year experience as a novice. Well, maybe enjoy isn't the right word, but for me, that time as a novice was an essential time for my own growth and development as a human being.

Practically speaking, I feel in a lot of ways that I truly grew as an adult in developing life skills important for anyone. For example, I entered without my driver's license, and a few months in, my novice master out of obedience told me that I had to get my license, which I was more than happy to do. I learned how to cook, and not the sort of cooking where you learn to boil water and heat some ragu sauce. I also came to highly value the importance of cleaning and taking care of the place I lived (which is a good reminder for me, since I can be a slob still. This also reminds me of something a speaker said to the guys at Ciszek some time ago, that she was truly impressed that grown men were talking about properly cleaning the kitchen at community gathering). It's kind of true for me that the state of my room is similar to the state of my mind.

Novices are sent on a number of experiments during their two years, and for me, I found my experiments to be important in challenging and stretching me. I probably would never have done most of the things I did as a novice in any other context, nor would I have traveled as much and gotten the opportunity to visit so many different cities. For example, I spent some time on a native reservation. I was privileged to live in a L'Arche community for a few months. I also had the unique opportunity to visit Colombia. Though challenging in their own way, I thought it was awesome to be able to do things I never would have considered doing otherwise, and I truly learned a lot from those experiences.

Spiritually, it was as a novice that I truly began to develop my prayer life and an authentic relationship with God. As someone who is typically unstructured with his time, I appreciated an external schedule (what in Jesuit lingo we term as an 'ordo') that helped me to order my day. One would hope that I would learn how to pray with all of this time structured in the day for it. I also learned how to be silent and to listen and discern the movements of God in my life (literally, for more than 30 silent days praying with the Spiritual Exercises).

I also learned how to faith share under the Oregonian model. We have a reputation with other Jesuits for 'oversharing' because as novices, we would faith share every week, and there would be a double round. I like to think we simply learned how to share honestly and authentically, which fostered and challenged us to have relations of depth. In the first round, everyone was invited to share their consolations and desolations of the week and how they experienced God. Unique to our province is the second round, in which after everyone shares, we go off for twenty minutes to pray over what everyone has shared, and then we reconvene to share the fruit of our prayer. Sure, the sessions might have seemed drawn out and somewhat painful at times, but I think these sessions helped to develop a level of openness and trust I think is important in Jesuit communities. We weren't simply sharing at one another, but we were encouraged to share and to be able to have a dialogue with one another about our lives in a meaningful way.

The novitiate was also a very important time for me because, with all of this time for prayer and reflection, a lot of old demons began to surface that was necessary for me to face. I found myself wrestling with a lot of old emotions that my novitiate experience brought to the forefront of my consciousness. I remember feelings of uncertainty, wondering, as I mentioned earlier, what the heck I had gotten myself into. Wounds from my childhood that I thought I had gotten over a long time ago resurfaced in unexpected and surprising ways. Sometimes, I felt the darkness so strongly that I wanted to kill myself. Of course, that wouldn't look too good on the Jesuits =p Through these times, I am extremely grateful to my formators who gave me so much love and support during those times and who allowed me to be open and honest with what I was going through. It was especially in these shared moments that I felt my love of the Society truly deepen and grow. These men were not afraid to confront that darkness that I faced, because they believed much more deeply in God's healing light.

On the day of my First Vows, I remember feeling so much joy and consolation on that day. I truly believed that God had given me so much, and that God was truly inviting me into this way of life by sharing the gifts I have been given in this unique way. I prayed over the vow formula we had to recite, and I felt strongly that I would not recite those words unless I truly meant it. When it came my turn to recite my vows, I had a difficult time getting through the first line. Not for lack of belief, but for how moved I felt in proclaiming my vows before God. I started to tear up, which got my mom to tear up, which got another mom to tear up. Of course, it was a huge shock to everyone that I got emotional =p

In one of the lines, Jesuits profess that God will give us the graces we need to live our lives. In other words, we acknowledge that this life is truly impossible without God, and it is in God that we must necessarily place our trust. That is why our prayer life is so important for us. If we are not connected to God through our daily prayer, then we begin to lose our connection to the One who truly makes our life possible.

I remember sharing my vow picture with one of the philosophy students here at Fordham, and she remarked how happy we looked. At least for myself, I knew that was true at the time that picture was taken. It has remained as my desktop wallpaper for quite some time. It's good for me to be reminded from time to time.

Looking Back, Looking Forward - The Call

2011-07-26T19:43:00.000-07:00

It doesn't seem that long ago that I followed my gut and chose to enter into a way of life that is amazingly foreign and other to the way most live their lives.

Of course, one of the most common questions Jesuits are asked are our reasons for entering religious life. I've always struggled to answer that question, because it's not like I literally received a call one day from God telling me to drop everything I was doing and to follow Him. To truly answer that question honestly and authentically takes a lot of vulnerability, especially when you're being asked by those suspicious of religious life in general and who hold negative views of the Church. It also takes a lot of time to answer if one wants a full answer and not a canned response.

It's hard to pinpoint just one reason why I decided to become a Jesuit. It was probably the culmination of influences of those who threw their seeds and sought to nourish them with their time and love. My parents labored long hours for countless years to put me and my four siblings through Catholic education. An incredible hardship, to say the least, and completely a sacrifice on their part--a sacrifice, I believe, that shaped my own desire to offer my own self for others. The friends and teachers I encountered from Kindergarten up through college who taught me what it meant to be a person of faith and who challenged me to do that authentically and openly. Schooled in Catholic education all my life, the way I see, view, and interpret the world around is inextricably linked to my faith. In a lot of ways, my faith is who I am--a self shaped and molded by the embrace of God. I also encountered in high school and college those Jesuits who were both uncouth yet also some of the most Holy people I have met, who through word and example helped to enkindle a fire in my heart, and who challenged me to find God in every moment and place. When I met them, I wanted to be like them.

As a feeler, I place a lot of value, both consciously and unconsciously, on my emotions when processing. In my prayer life, I feel that God has always invited me to own that aspect about myself, as my emotions can very much be conduits of grace in my experience. Looking back before I entered the Jesuits, I remember a lot of hurt and emotional suffering. Painful as it was, I always remember how that inner hurt and suffering was integral to my vocation as a Jesuit, and I truly would not be the person I am today without having gone through those experiences. I remember moments such as my Kairos retreat in which I felt that hurt to be healed in a powerful and transformative way thanks to those who mirrored the love of Christ--a love I wanted to extend. I think back to moments of learning about and seeing injustice that fueled a desire to make an impact in society. I also think about how I wanted to live my life in a much different and radical way than the typical get-a-job-and-raise-a-family route. I saw, and see, these inner movements as a call.

It's rather ironic that I did decide to enter religious life because I hated going to Church growing up. I thought Mass was the most boring thing in the world, and it seemed silly to me to engage in rituals which I felt had no bearing on my life. My experience of going to Mass was not lifegiving. It was simply a duty that one had to do because that's what Catholics do on Sunday, which I thought was stupid. It was the same damned thing week after week, and sometimes even the priest looked like he was bored. I needed good reasons for doing things, and I never considered the reason "doing it because you had to" as a good reason. My doubts and questions, though, were essential to my vocation, because they led me to question why we do things the way they do, and I realized that Catholics actually have damn good reasons for doing the things they do.

So, during my time at Seattle University, I decided to pursue my desires and to see where they took me. For most of my time in college, I had a Jesuit spiritual director whom I saw on a fairly regular basis. I had the opportunity to get to know the Jesuits much more at that time through weekly masses, Campus ministry retreats, and vocation retreats. I also remember when I visited the novitiate for the first time, and I just remember feeling quite at home with the men there. Once my senior year came along, it just felt right for me to apply to the Society, and so I followed me gut and went for it.

In my mind, it wasn't a life commitment. I was simply applying to the novitiate. Nothing more.

Although I was quite open about my desire to become a Jesuit with my friends, I was much more secretive about it with my family. The way I told my parents about this desire is rather strange. A number of months before I entered, I called my parents and told them that I had "big news," and that I would call them the following day. In my mind, I felt I had to prepare both myself and them for what I was going to share. When I did, they asked the typical questions that concerned parents would ask: "who's forcing you to apply?" "how will you make money?" "what if they send you to Africa?" I had always been surrounded by people who were super supportive of my desire to enter the Jesuits. I actually can't think of one person who told me that they felt it was a bad idea for me. Well, that changed with my parents--at least for a while. They are now proud parents who have no problems telling others that their son is a Jesuit. I think it was my First Vows and the way they saw me profess them that changed the way they saw it.

I feel extremely blessed and grateful for all of those who helped to shape the person I am today. It's very possible that I literally would not be here alive and doing what I am doing without their love and support. They imaged the love of Christ for me in a real way, and perhaps unknowingly, they imaged the voice of God who beckoned me to come and see where He wanted to lead me. AMDG

Looking Back, Looking Forward: An Introduction

2011-07-25T18:05:00.000-07:00

Has it really been five years?

As you may know, the road to priestly ordination for Jesuits typically takes about 11-12 years. These years can be broken down into four main periods of formation in the United States: 2 years as a novice, 2-3 years in first studies, 2-3 years of regency (A period in which Jesuits are engaged in full-time work, and usually this entails high school teaching) , and about 3 years of theology. In terms of our education, we are required to have about 2 years of philosophy (first studies) and 4 years of theology. Most Jesuits in the US typically do a year of their theology studies during first studies, so first studies will usually take 3 years.

In terms of time, I am not yet halfway towards ordination, which baffles many people I tell. However, I have just finished my first studies and will be entering into regency later next month. In a lot of ways, it does feel like I'm halfway there, having finished the first two main periods of my formation towards priesthood.

Jesuits are in the habit of reflecting. Our way of proceeding in a lot of ways is to look back in order to move forward. This is not meant to dwell on the past--life of course must always be lived in the present. But, it is a helpful exercise to look back in order to orient the present towards a hopeful and lifegiving future. Through our examen--which I'm finding I talk about quite a lot on my blog--we dispose ourselves to prayerfully seek how God has been at work in our lives in the day. We reflect on the past in the present moment, and the examen for Jesuits is a daily invitation of intimacy with the Lord.

As I move soon into my regency at Jesuit High School in Portland later next month, I thought it might be a helpful exercise to examen my vocation thus far and to remember how God has been at work in my life.

I've actually written most of my reflection, but then I thought it would be waaaaaay to long for a blog post. So, in this next week, I will upload four different posts reflecting upon my Jesuit journey thus far. That's how long I ended up writing =p

Sunday Scripture Reflection for June 26, 2011

2011-06-26T22:13:00.003-07:00

Today, Catholics celebrate the feast of Corpus Christi. I find it to be a curious feast, since really every Mass is a celebration of the body and blood of Christ. Fr. Radmar Jao, a newly ordained Jesuit priest, beautifully preached today the awe and wonder that we are invited to experience everytime we approach this most Sacred Mystery. Yet, it is a quite natural experience that such awe and wonder is dulled by habit and routine. The feast, then, provides us with an important occasion to reflect and remind ourselves about the faith we take for granted. We believe that Jesus is truly present to us in an immediate and real way, and such a rich encounter can inspire and transform us to become more and more what we eat--the Body of Christ.

As I prayed over the readings today, I found my thoughts focused primarily on the reading from Deuteronomy. Here, Moses tells a people who find themselves in the desert for 40 years that this journey was meant as a test for them to see whether they would keep his commandments in times of strife.

As I listened to the readings, I found myself thinking about a movie I watched recently with some of my Jesuit brothers called Rabbit Hole starring Nicole Kidman and Aaron Eckhart where they play a struggling couple attempting to cope with the death of their young son tragically killed in a car accident. In order to cope with their loss, they go to these support group meetings where other couples share about their own loss. In a poignant scene, a couple is talking about how God acts for a reason, and that their child's death happened so that God could have another angel at His side. Upon hearing this, Kidman's character Becca angrily retorts by asking why God didn't simply make a new angel rather than taking her son. The tension is strong in the movie between those who find comfort in God and faith and those who find the notion of God and faith repulsive in the face of tragedy.

Becca's reaction is very real and her anger over any God-talk is quite understandable. Many would not find the response "it happened for a reason" to be very comforting when attempting to process a seemingly senseless death. When reading Scripture, though, we find these feelings are not isolated to the present moment. Even in the Bible, especially in the OT, we read of a people who continuously struggle to make sense of their relationship and faith in God in light of their own struggles. We read of a people continuously in exile, a people who yearn for peace and justice while being battered by violence, war, and oppression. We read of a people who continuously strive to turn their hearts back to God over and over again even in those times when they feel abandoned by Him. Why?

For our ancestors in faith, they found strength in remembering the great works that God had done for them. They continuously go back to that pivotal moment in history when God led them out of Egypt and out of the hands of their captors. They remember the enormous blessing that God bestowed upon Abraham. Their communal memory makes present in their mind the wonders of God, strengthening them to have faith in God and to believe wholeheartedly as they journeyed through the valleys of death.

I imagine that someone like Becca would not find such a move comforting these days. My sense in the movie was that she grew up Catholic and no longer believed a long time ago. What she seems to most deeply long for is a pastoral response--someone to be there for her in her pain and suffering, not someone to recite to her creeds and doctrines. She yearns for a nourishment not given by bread alone.

When we encounter Beccas in our world, we certainly cannot force them to have faith. But, we can perhaps nourish them with an embodied love formed by the grace of God. As Christ sacrificed for us, so too can we sacrifice ourselves for those in need and to share the life we have been given to others. We cannot bring back her son, but perhaps we can begin to ignite hope back into her eyes. Let us become what we are: the Body of Christ.

Sunday Scripture Reflection for June 19, 2011

2011-06-19T11:03:00.004-07:00

Today Catholics celebrate the Feast of the Most Holy Trinity. Probably one of the most confusing and difficult theological beliefs that we have, since we hold that the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are both separate yet One at the same time. Historically, this doctrine posed a major problem for early Christians, since the Trinity evoked polytheism. The Church uses a big philosophical word which is pretty relevant with the new translations coming up--consubstantial--which will replace the line 'one in being with the Father' when we recite the creed. The term 'substance' in philosophy refers to the quiddity or 'whatness' of a thing, and the term 'consubstantial' is meant to express how the Father and the Son are not two essentially different beings but are united as One. St. Ignatius in his autobiography likens the Trinity to three musical keys which are in profound harmony with one another.

As I was praying with Scripture this morning, however, I must admit that most of my thoughts were not on the contemplation of the Trinity. Rather, I found my prayer centered around the words of St. Paul in today's 2nd reading. He writes in 2 Corinthians 13:11-12

Brothers and Sisters, rejoice. Mend your ways, encourage one another, live in peace, and the God of love and peace will be with you.

Mend your ways. Here, St. Paul highlights the fact that we are a broken people. Our lives and actions are in need of healing and repair. The way that we act and treat each other can often be hurtful and harmful, and sometimes we are not even aware that we do such things. I think this is probably one of the reasons St. Ignatius stressed the examen prayer so much. When we get so busy and distracted, we do not allow ourselves the time to reflect on our day. When we reflect, we can take note of things we might not have noticed otherwise in our day. We cannot mend something that we do not see is broken. The first step to healing is to acknowledge that we are in need of healing. Too often, we find ourselves mired in self-deception.

Encourage one another. We are in this together; we cannot do it alone. In my own experience, simple gestures that people offer to me like saying hello or giving a warm smile is enough to brighten my day. These small acts of encouragements are acts of love which can bring so much life. I just got back from a short trip at St. Marys, Alaska, a small town of about 500 people, primarily Eskimo people, and I was struck by how so many of the villagers would wave at you when you drove by. Such small acts expressed how so much life can be found in a place I deemed was a pretty run-down area in the middle of nowhere.

Live in peace. There is a rich and profound depth of meaning in these simple words. It speaks to an inner disposition saturated with an interior quiet and tranquility--a still pond untouched by a surrounding storm. Jesus sleeping on the boat. I find myself most close to this sort of peace when I am faithful to my prayer life. It also speaks to an outward disposition in which we work to end all hatred and violence. When our actions towards one another bring into life the words of Christ: "Peace be with you."

And the God of love and peace will be with you. In doing all of these things, we will find ourselves coming into greater union with God. Our awareness of God's presence in our lives will be heightened, and we will be more apt to see the working of the Holy Spirit around us. The profound harmony of the Trinity will extend to our own personal lives and relationships with one another.

So I pray that we all may mend our ways, that we may encourage one another, and that we may live in peace, so that we may enter into greater life with the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

(On a side note, I've been thinking about how I can write a little more frequently on my blog, and it occurred to me that one way I can do this is by writing weekly on a scripture passage. Hopefully this is not a one time thing and that I can keep it up in the future. I definitely would like to be more active in my writing, and I'll be more disposed to write more often now that I am no longer a graduate student)

A brief philosophical reflection on the death of Bin Laden

2011-05-02T10:21:00.003-07:00

Many people around the country and around the world, unsurprisingly, are rejoicing that the mastermind behind the attacks of 9/11 has been killed. The news of Bin Laden's death certainly has aroused within our memories that stark day nearly ten years ago when so many witnessed the collapse of the Twin Towers and the permanent mark it left on too many families. In our desire for justice, President Obama's late-hour news conference inevitably caused many to run into the streets in joy and celebration.

I join with quite a number of people, however, who are unable to find it in themselves to celebrate. The Vatican summarizes it best when Fr. Lombardi, the Vatican's spokesman, stated earlier today:

In the face of a man’s death, a Christian never rejoices, but reflects on the serious responsibilities of each person before God and before men, and hopes and works so that every event may be the occasion for the further growth of peace and not of hatred.

Personally, I find myself thinking about the tragic nature of Bin Laden's life. What would ever cause a human being to think up something like 9/11 and rejoice in the death of countless lives?

Curiously, I find myself reflecting on the thought of St. Thomas Aquinas during this time, whose philosophy has heavily influenced Catholic thought to this day. Aquinas in many ways can be characterized as being a pure optimist when it comes to the human person. He believed that it is impossible for a human being ever to will evil, and certainly someone today might use the example of Bin Laden to refute him on this point. Yet, I find myself in agreement with Aquinas--perhaps because I would like to be overly optimistic about the human condition. Human beings cannot help but act towards what we understand to be the good, and it is through the errors of our judgment that we get into a lot of trouble. Yet, our erroneous thinking does not negate our human impulse towards the good. In response, Aquinas would argue that Bin Laden never willed what he understood to be evil. He arguably understood the attacks of 9/11 and all the other terrorist acts he committed to be an absolute good in itself.

This is the point of tragedy for Bin Laden. That any human being could understand the death of thousands to be a good is beyond me. Yet, I am sure there are a lot more people like Bin Laden out there whose thinking is shaped by injustice, greed, and desperation. Somehow, Bin Laden's thought was tragically shaped into the mind of a killer, which is not the natural state of a human being.

Our essential task is to bring healing and reconciliation to the world. We have to be able to transform hearts and minds so that no human being ever thinks that the death of innocent life is a good. We have to be able to build and nurture environments where love and charity are at the center of all human action. This is why the education of youth is so important, since when improper thinking takes root, it is almost impossible to uproot as one becomes older. Striving for justice, then, cannot simply be reactive. It must also be necessarily preventative. Ideally, it can also be restorative--that justice restores us to become the sort of human beings we were meant to be.

May Bin Laden's death, then, be an event that spurs us into greater love and service. May his death lead us into the greater task of working for peace and justice. For Christ teaches: "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God." (Matthew 5:9)

Last Mass Reflection at Ciszek

2011-04-27T17:41:00.002-07:00

Today, I gave my last Mass reflection at Ciszek Hall, so I thought I would share it for anyone interested. As always, what I write for Mass is always intended for my immediate Jesuit audience, but perhaps it can be some fruit to others.

Anyway, a quick note that during my April 1st fun post, I totally didn't intend for the part where I wrote how I wanted to write an update to be part of the joke. I actually had meant to write an update, but then the craziness of this past month went into overdrive, and I'm just getting a quick breather from it all. From the various papers/exams due, to my time at the Jesuit Conference in DC to discuss the role of Jesuits and Communications in the 21st century, and to organizing a great deal of the Easter Triduum music at the local parish here (bilingual, no less), it's been difficult to find time or energy to write. This upcoming week, I have two more papers and what is called the De U-- the capstone oral exam that I will have to take to finish up my Master's, so I'm sure I won't be writing anytime soon, especially since afterwards I have to worry about moving back to the West Coast. Hopefully in due time, though.

FYI: the Gospel reading today is taken from Luke 24:13-35

In today’s Gospel reading, we hear how the Risen Christ appeared to two of his disciples on the road to Emmaus. We hear at the beginning of the passage how the village is about seven miles from Jerusalem, and that it was nearly evening by the time they reached Emmaus. We can assume, then, that Jesus had spent practically the whole day with them, yet it was only near the very end when they came to recognize Him through the breaking of the bread, at which point Jesus disappears from their midst. And, as they reflected and did their examen, so to speak—they noted how their hearts burned, and how this intense feeling within was confirmation that Christ truly was in their presence.

When I think about times when I have felt my heart burning within me, that intense feeling in which I could not help but believe that I was in the presence of God, I typically think about my Kairos retreat during my senior year of high school at the beloved CA retreat center in Applegate. Kairos, as it was described to us, was defined as God’s time. This was God’s time—a time in which we were invited to intimately place ourselves in the presence of God and to be receptive and vulnerable to God’s grace at work. The student leaders and faculty shared personal and often vivid stories of their lives—stories of great vulnerability—and how they strived to see God at work in the midst of their great struggles and joys. I’m sure those of you who will be moving on to regency will be invited into such situations.

I remember a moment in particular after I had the opportunity to confess what was going on within me during the retreat. I was sitting in the chapel and gazing upon the cross of Christ. As I looked at the cross, I remember being overwhelmed with the intense feeling that Jesus was really with me. That Jesus was there, his arms outstretched, his gaze inviting me to draw ever closer to Him.

As I looked at the cross, I found myself in tears, because I had never before felt the presence of God so strongly. I could not help but believe that this truly was the work of the Holy Spirit, that God really was present to me at that time. There, I believe my heart began to truly burn for the first time, and I tend to think about that time as the seed of my vocation into the Society.

When I think about our Father Ignatius, I cannot help but contemplate the fire that burned in his heart throughout his lifetime. As he read about the Saints and about their love and desire to follow Christ, I can imagine the transformation taking place within his heart. At his bed, in the reading of Holy men and women, Ignatius was having a Kairos moment. God deemed that to be the appropriate time to seize his heart and mind and set it aflame, and from that point Ignatius would never be able to look back.

Ignatius at the river Cardoner was also a Kairos moment for him. As he sat and contemplated the mysteries of Christ amidst the beauty of nature, I imagine the fire in his heart as he began to understand more and more the ways that God was working in his life and the way God was working in the world. Ignatius was often so moved that he would tear up just thinking about how beautiful, for example, the Trinity was, as it seemed to him to be like three harmonious musical keys.

And, on his way to present himself to the Pope, Ignatius had a Kairos moment in the Chapel of La Storta, where the Father came to him in an intimate way and placed Ignatius with his son Jesus. I imagine the intense feeling that Ignatius was having during this vision, and how this vision sought to confirm the deep desires he believed Christ was placing within him.

Ignatius’ heart was set on fire by our Lord, and he could not help but want to share and enkindle that fire with others.

I think this is why GC 35 truly wanted to remind us about how our charism is founded upon this inner flame given to us in God’s time. For all of us, I would venture to guess that all of us have had Kairos moments in our lives prior to entering the Society in which we felt ourselves to be on fire with the love of God—a flame so strong and intense that we sought to enter into such a radical life. And why? Because God had lit a fire within us, and we had a burning desire to respond to his Call. Like Ignatius, we received something from God that was so profound and so intimate that we could not help but want to share the life of God given to us with those around us. As first year novices, we then all entered into the Spiritual Exercises, in which we devoted a full month of silence where we truly dedicated our lives to Christ—a Kairos month meant to ground our lives as Jesuits even to this day. In those days, we encountered the living God in a real and intimate way, and we might have found ourselves like the disciples, in which our hearts burned because of Christ’s real work within us.

As Jesus was his disciples on the road to Emmaus, and as Jesus was with Ignatius, so too is Jesus with us, even when we are blind to his intimate presence. All time is Kairos—all time is God’s time, for He is always with us, never leaving our side.

In my humble opinion, the people of God deserve nothing less that Jesuits who are on fire with the love of God. And we should expect nothing less of our Jesuit brothers than to know that each of us have this flame within. Of course, I’ll be the first one to admit that I have not always tended well to my flame or to that of others, nor do I expect to feel on fire everyday for the rest of my life. Just the same, in spite of my own weaknesses and faults and blindness, You should expect me to have a burning heart for Christ that grounds my life and vocation as a Jesuit, and I would expect nothing less of all of you. And I personally don’t think that is too much to ask. Only with hearts truly aflame can we set the world on fire and make present to all the already present presence of our living God.

As we approach the table, let us come before the Lord, as the psalm says, with hearts that rejoice in his presence. Here, in the proclamation of his Word, and especially in the breaking of the bread, we believe that God is here with us in an intimate and special way. Every liturgy for us is a Kairos moment for God’s grace to enter ever intimately within and to renew our flames. This is God’s time. Jesus is here, alive, and with us. Alleluia!

Back with Big News!!!

2011-04-01T15:55:00.006-07:00

So, my last posting on here was in late November, so it has been way too long since my last update. Well, I'll be writing another update in the next few days about news that is going on in my end, but I just wanted to share about a new mission that I have been given that is super exciting!

Anyway, you probably would not have known, but much of my silence has been due to the fact that I have been secretly cultivating a program that will be introducing a new frontier to the work of the Jesuits that I am now ready to share with the world. I call this new ministry the ministry of smiles. As a Jesuit, one of the ministries you are apt to hear about is called the ministry of presence. I think my new program will revolutionize the way we think about the ministry of presence and bring us to a new frontier where we can boldly go where no man has gone before.

Let me explain this in a simple way:

Ministry of presence does not necessarily entail smiling.
Ministry of smiling necessarily entails smiling.
Everybody likes smiling.
Therefore, everybody will like the ministry of smiling.

In order to develop this program, I have been working every day to develop a smile that is new, revolutionary, and avant-garde while still retaining traditional elements pleasing to all. Let me tell you my superiors have been completely blown away by this new program that I am proposing, and when I pray about it, I know that God is all smiles.

As one theologian puts it: "The one who smiles prays twice."

I thought I would post a few pictures that shows the fruit of my five-month silence and that this period of time has not gone to waste. I think these show quite evidently how successful the ministry of smiles will be.

Mass Reflection for Daily Mass

2010-11-26T08:49:00.004-08:00

Well, I said I'd be away for a bit, but it's been my custom since having my blog to upload my once-a-semester mass reflections that I offer for the community. So, here it is. As always, these reflections are typically aimed at my Jesuit audience, but perhaps you may find some fruit in it. A belated happy thanksgiving to all of you!

During my second year as a novice, I had the opportunity to work at a L’Arche community in Tacoma, WA for about two and a half months or so. We had three core members at the house I was staying at, and one of those core members was named Bobby. I think I’ve probably told some of you about Bobby before.

Bobby was never able to develop in the way most humans do over time. Although he is about two years older than I am, he never was able to mature past the mental stage of infancy. He is unable to talk, and he cannot do most things on his own. As a live-in-assistant, some of my duties included clothing, toileting, washing, and feeding Bobby. Whenever you fed him, you had to put an apron on him because it could get a little messy. In the morning, I would have to gingerly attach him to a machine that lifted him out of his bed and would slowly placed him on to his wheelchair, and he was no small guy. Also, throughout the day, I would have to check to see if he had soiled his diaper and would have to change him on a regular basis. Changing the diaper on a baby is much different than changing the diaper on a grown man.

I imagine that many who come across Bobby are bound to feel sorry for him and the sad state of life he finds himself in. If we placed ourselves in Bobby’s shoes, what kind of life would that be? Knowing that we were that helpless and that we were so entirely dependent on others for our livelihood. Feeling the degeneration of our own human dignity because of our stark infirmity?

Whenever I think about Bobby, though, I do not feel pity or remorse for Bobby. Actually, whenever I think about Bobby, most of the memories that arise in me are memories of laughter and joy. Bobby was always laughing, and I would always think to myself why he was laughing. I would actually sometimes ask him: “Bobby, why are you laughing?” and look at him as if I was expecting an answer. Although he couldn’t communicate verbally to me, I read his laughing as a sign of his happiness and his smiles as his joy. Curiously, I consider Bobby to be one of the happiest people I’ve ever met in my life, and I truly believe that God in his mysterious power, was communicating something quite profound to me and to many others through Bobby.

In today’s gospel, Jesus asks us to consider the fig tree, and that when we notice the buds bursting, that this is a sign of summer. All around us are signs for us to interpret in the same way that Jesus asks us to interpret the sign of the fig tree. Sometimes, those signs are very ordinary. When we see that the fridge has suddenly become filled with Gatorade bottles and coconut juice, that is a sign of that the shoppers have gone shopping. Or, when the bathrooms are restocked with toilet paper, that is a sign that someone has done his manualia. Or when we are able to go to class because our bills are getting paid, that is a sign that Rich has been up to no good. Or, when we saw the amount of food before us during thanksgiving, that is a sign of all who pitched in before hand has taken the time to prepare the food. Contrary to popular belief, though, just because you score low on the karaoke machine is not a sign of the mic’s prejudice. But, I tend to think of these actions as presencing God in the smallest of ways.

Christ uses the fig tree to help us to be attentive of the signs taking place which are expressing how that the kingdom of God is near. But, clearly, unless God was playing a major joke on us, I think it would be difficult to think about the nearness of the kingdom temporally. It’s been almost two thousand years after the fact—where is this kingdom? It certainly doesn’t seem to be near. But, I would like to suggest not the temporal nearness of the kingdom but the physical nearness of the kingdom. For me, Bobby’s life was a sign for me that the kingdom of God is near. When I was in Bobby’s presence, as I mentioned earlier, I truly felt that God was near, and that each smile and laugh that he imparts on others is another brick offered for the kingdom. As we hear in today's responsorial psalm: "Here God lives among His people."

And, I think we are all challenged to be like Bobby in the certain sense. Of course, one of the themes that Joe has been reminding all of us throughout the semester is that we are who we are. I am me, and you are you, and you are not me. I am certainly not Bobby, nor should I be exactly like Bobby. But, during my time with Bobby, I was able to recognize the gifts and talents that he was able to share with the world—gifts and talents that are uniquely Bobby’s. In the same way, we must recognize the gifts, the talents, and the life that we have been given by God and to lay down our own bricks for the kingdom. We must challenge ourselves as Jesuits to make God present to others through the graces that God is pouring out for us on a daily basis. Through our prayer and our examen, we are challenged to notice and to be grateful for the ways in which Jesus seeks to nourish and sustain us and to be attentive to the signs made present to us on a daily basis in our Jesuit vocation. In being attentive to the signs, we ourselves can form ourselves more and more to become signs and witnesses to the kingdom of God. When we do that through the help of our Lord, then we are indeed helping to bring the kingdom of God closer to those around us.—especially to those who feel the kingdom to be tragically distant.

So, for your prayer, as we continue our celebration in which we believe our Lord to be very near to us in the Eucharist, I may suggest that we pray about those people or those experiences in our life that have been signs of the kingdom. Let us pray in thanksgiving to the many people who have touched our lives in this way, for those who have laid down those bricks in our lives. Let us also pray for the continued grace to be witnesses and signs to the kingdom, that our lives and vocations as Jesuits may help others to see and recognize that the Kingdom of God is indeed near.

Retreating from the blog

2010-11-17T15:56:00.004-08:00

This post should come as no surprise, as I have barely updated the blog since I arrived back in New York this past August.

I imagine in this last year of studies that I will not be updating the blog very much. As much as I would like to devote more time and energy to it, I find that most of my mental energy is directed towards study and paper writing, leaving little left in my reserve to offer anything of substance at the current moment.

A blogger should have something to say, but unfortunately I currently find myself having little to offer at this current time. Unless a wave of inspiration hits me, I imagine that you probably won't be hearing from me too often for the time being.

Until next time, I am retreating from the blog (which I already have been doing anyway). I have less than a year left to learn from and to listen to those who know much more than I do before I enter into full time ministry. It is primarily a time for me not to teach, but to be taught and to take in from the wisdom of others. The journey over the past two years at Fordham have certainly been tough in a lot of ways, but I believe the academic formation is important in a world that increasingly sees faith and the Church with greater skepticism. Hopefully, by the end, this time of study and reflection will have prepared me to offer words of greater depth and insight.

God Bless. AMDG

An Update On My Final Year in First Studies

2010-10-10T16:15:00.009-07:00

Over the past week or so, I've received a few inquiries about how I'm doing since I haven't updated the blog in over a month. Currently, I am at Boston College for the weekend primarily to support one of my fellow Oregonian brothers--Alejandro Olayo, SJ--who was ordained as a Deacon this past Friday (for those training to become priests, it is customary first to be ordained as Deacons. This is simply a temporary phase for those training to become priests, and these new Jesuit deacons around the US will later become ordained as priests around June or so). One of my favorite moments of ordination is when the bishop tells each ordinand: "Believe what you read. Teach what you believe. Practice what you teach."

Today, I had the pleasure of witnessing Alejandro's first Mass (in Spanish) as a deacon and listening to his beautiful homily. During the ordination and the Mass, I was edified to see how happy he seemed in this new phase of religious life and the energy he brought into his ministry. I remarked to him afterwards: "You're a natural!" Here's a pic following Mass.

Alejandro hosted a nice lunch yesterday, and we had quite the gathering of Oregonians present. Here is another pic! (We had to get at least one pic in to give the impression that we like each other =p Truly, though, it was great to be with them)

Now, because tomorrow is a holiday at Fordham, and Mondays are typically quite a busy day for me, I thought I would finally write an update about how things are going.

Typically, I find philosophy studies to be quite exhausting mentally, but I find it even more so in my final year here. Unfortunately, my capacity to invest more time mentally into the blog has been quite diminished. I think part of it is due to the fact that I have practically been in school since I was 4 years old, and almost all of my life has been spent in the classroom. I also find myself quite ready to move onto a new stage of formation in which I am no longer a student but rather one who is ready to integrate all of that learning into full-time work. Yearning for the future, however, is not so helpful in approaching the present situation, so I find myself praying for the ability to fully engage myself in this final year without checking-out too soon.

On that note, I recently met with my new superior for Formation, Fr. Jerry Cobb, and it seems most likely that I will be going to teach at one of our high schools in the Northwest next year (we have four schools in the Oregon Province: Jesuit High in Portland, OR, Bellarmine Prep in Tacoma, WA, Seattle Prep, and Gonzaga Prep in Spokane, WA). I very much enjoyed working at Gonzaga Prep for a few months as a novice, so I very much look forward to this new opportunity.

So, I am taking four classes this semester: Natural Law Ethics, Integration Seminar, Introduction to Old Testament, and Philosophy of Religion. I actually don't need to take philosophy of religion, but prior Scholastics of Ciszek Hall have recommended the course. Plus, I figured that it would be useful to wrestle more with the question of religion and how we think about religion. Although I have found some of the readings and discussion helpful, I have not found myself really in love with any of my classes at the current moment. Curiously, during this past week, I found myself beginning to appreciate and actually liking the topic of metaphysics. I must be going crazy =p I think, however, there is something to be said for humans to ask those philosophical questions about the origins of the universe and why things are the way they are. I believe these sorts of questions and the way we answer them do very much affect the way we perceive and interact with the world around us--that is, if we even give pause to consider such questions. Of course, the Catholic response to these questions centers on our belief in God who created the world and sustains its existence, and such a belief is harmonious with our natural powers of reason and not contrary to faith (see JPII's encyclical, Fides Et Ratio)

Studies aside, I have also begun a new apostolate this year. In my previous two years, I worked as a catechist at the local parish here in the Bronx, St. Martin of Tours, and prepared 6th/7th graders for the Sacrament of Confirmation. I wanted to tap into my musical side this year, so my apostolate now is to provide music for the 9:30AM Sunday mass at the parish. The pastor really wants to promote this Mass more, and one of the ways to encourage such participation is to enhance the music at the liturgy. Two other Jesuit brothers of mine are helping me at this particular Mass, and in our debut performance, we had quite a number of parishioners truly thanking us for providing this ministry. I'm quite aware that it's not good to form something, only to leave it after a year. I'm hoping that once I leave, I will have been able to set something up that can be sustained in the future. Prayers are appreciated in this regard.

In addition to the music, I continue to help lead a CLC group on campus, which I began last year. It is always great to come together with the group to dedicate a moment of our week for prayer and reflection.

In all, I have found things to be rather busy and stressful this year. In the midst of the busyness, I recognize my need to make moments in the day that I dedicate for silence and prayer. One of my Jesuit brothers recently talked about his prayer as a contemplative in the world, and that he strives to make his life and his work a prayer in itself. As Jesuits, I think that is the proper attitude for how we approach our life and ministry. On the other hand, I recognize in myself a personal need to carve out actual moments in my day in which I temporarily retreat from the world in private prayer. As always, there's room for improvement on my part =p

Finally, I thought I would provide a new picture of the Ciszek Hall community this year, which was taken about a month and a half ago, lol. I believe, in total, that we are 26 Scholastics and 3 priests. This year, we have 6 new first year men as well as a new superior, Fr. Joe Sands. Our bright and smiling faces expresses how excited we are to study philosophy and to share this mission with one another =) These are my Jesuit brothers whom I share this vocation with, and together we strive as vowed religious to root our lives centrally in Christ--Christ who is our light and our life. One of the first things that Joe asked of all of us in the first weeks was to support each other by praying for one another, and I would like to end this by offering my prayers of thanksgiving for my fellow Jesuit brothers at Ciszek Hall, that God may continue to pour forth the Holy Spirit to inspire their work, and that they may be given the graces they need at this time to become formed more and more as religious who will spend their lives laboring in the vineyard of our Lord. AMDG

When Jesuits Leave

2010-08-25T16:54:00.003-07:00

The bonds that Jesuits form with one another are special relationships in which our shared life connects us to each other in a very unique way. We live together, labor together, and pray together. We are men rooted in the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius in which our intimate experiences of Christ unite our hearts and minds together with the Lord. We share a life that appears quite foolish to the outside world yet makes sense to us as Jesuits only in light of our lives of faith.

When Jesuits decide to leave the Society, as a result, it can be an extremely jarring moment for us when we hear the news. This past year, we saw many men in our company who chose to leave their lives as Jesuits. We ask the question ‘why?’ and wonder what events transpired that led to such a decision. There is that feeling that a member of our spiritual family who has been with us for so much time has decided to leave us. These departures inevitably challenge the vocations of us who continue on with this life as we ask ourselves why we stay. This vocational challenge, however, is not necessarily a bad thing.

About a month ago, while I was taking my day off from my work in LA, I was relaxing at our LA villa house near Redondo Beach when I received a phone call. I was excited to see that it was from John and very much looked forward to sharing our summer experiences and how it was going so far. John first asked about how my summer was, and I shared a little bit about what I was doing at Dolores Mission and Homeboy Industries. After I was done sharing, John went on to remark: “So Ryan, I’ve made my decision…”

I knew exactly what John meant when he said that, but I didn’t expect this phone call would be “that” time.

I remember feeling devastated back in January when John mentioned to me that he was thinking about leaving the Society. During my time at Ciszek Hall, he became one of my best friends in the house, and last year we became next door neighbors. John was one of the type of friends you would have who often poked fun at you, but deep down you knew he really valued and respected you (although he would never admit that easily). Not only could we have fun and joke with one another, but we could also vigorously argue about philosophical/theological viewpoints and eventually also discuss highly personal things. When he told me that his leaving was a possibility, I remember feeling myself enter a place of deep desolation and the need to talk to my superior and spiritual director about it. In those talks, I recognized a desire to want what was best for John—even if that meant that he would leave. I often prayed for Christ to lead him in his discernment and to follow where God was leading him at this time of his life.

Over the next few months, we would have a few conversations where I would ask him how things were going with the discernment. Sometimes, he didn’t want to talk about it, but I respected that. I only wanted him to talk to me about if he felt free to have the conversation and wanted to discuss it. In those conversations, it was apparent that John’s leaving was a possibility, but not necessarily a certainty. John spent quite a bit of time thinking about this because it was not clear to him during the semester what he would do.

So when John remarked that he made the decision, I became very aware that his subsequent words would be big ones for him to share with me. I did not have a clear sense in me what he had decided, so I awaited anxiously to hear what he would say. Finally, he said: “I’ve decided to leave the Society…”

Upon my arrival back to the Bronx, I have recognized a real sense of loss within me. When I walked past his door, I was deeply reminded about those words he shared with me a month ago. But, on the other hand, I carry with me a lot of gratitude for the friendship and brotherhood we developed over the past two years at Ciszek. I also carry with me a sense of peace, because I believe in this specific situation that John would not have left unless he felt that God was calling him into a different place. John was open with his superior, his spiritual director, and his formation assistant for quite some time, and so I trusted his discernment and those who were leading him at this time in his life.

Although men enter and leave the society for various reasons, I think John’s time in the Jesuits served as a special time for his own development and growth as a person. I had the opportunity to speak on John's behalf about two weeks ago, since he asked if I could be one of his references for a full-time youth minister position he is seeking. I remarked to the pastor that John's time with the Jesuits and being formed by Ignatian Spirituality was a major asset to this position that makes him quite unique among the pool of applicants. Although his decision to leave is difficult, I pray that John is able to flourish in this time of major transition and that he may always know and experience the love of God who constantly pours forth his grace.

Summer Reflections: R&R and Personal Highlights of Province Days

2010-08-15T19:27:00.005-07:00

Following my time in LA, the past two weeks or so have primarily been a time of R&R for me. I spent some time in Sacramento to be with the family, see some friends in Seattle, and also to indulge my own introvertedness by taking some personal time here and there to be by myself.

I am reminded during these past two weeks how blessed I am to have people in my life who are so generous to me. My siblings remark how my grandma pities my being "poor" ("he always wears the same clothes") and tells them to give me money. I chuckle to myself about that thought, since I am well taken care of and believe that oftentimes less is more (I read a bumper sticker in NY that read: "the more you know, the less you need"). I don't need a lot of things in my life to be happy--my happiness is not rooted in material wealth. I make sure, though, that I have the things I need to function. At the same time, I'm not going to say no to going out to yogurt or getting an Asian massage =)

The past few days or so I have been in Spokane. Because we didn't have ordinations this year, the Oregon province centered our province days around the First Vows of the novices. It is highly unusual to have the Vows in Spokane, as we usually have them in Portland where our novitiate is located. Spokane has the main perk of having Gonzaga University where many of our Jesuits in the province reside. Also, our retired men usually cannot come to the First Vows due to health reasons, so having them in Spokane allowed them to have the rare opportunity to participate in the festivities.

These events continue to remind me how much I love and admire my brother Jesuits here in the Northwest. I personally continue to find great consolation when we come together and to see so many of the men I am not able to see throughout the course of the year due to being on the East Coast.

A few moments were especially moving for me this year. First, I found our Vow Crucifix ceremony quite moving. It is the custom of the Vow men to choose from a number of crosses that were owned by previous Jesuits who have passed away over the years. During the ceremony, Jesuits are invited to share stories about the Jesuit who previously owned that cross. This year, however, one of the men chose a cross that came from an unknown Jesuit. What I found particularly moving was that we were invited to share stories about Jesuits who often go unnoticed and hidden--those men whom we often fail to recognize. Yet, often their work is a symbol of the hidden work of God in our lives. They labor without even a nod or a thank you, yet they continue to work out of a sense of love and service.

This theme carried into the following day where we were invited to share in small groups after a formal talk (our lay colleagues also participated) about three themes: the hidden work of God in our lives, our experiences of suffering, and finally our experiences of resurrection. David Murphy, a lay companion who works as the house manager of the Jesuit Community at Seattle University, talked about his own hidden work in the community. He first remarked how ironic it was that in a room full of intelligent Jesuits that he would be asked to speak. Yet, he did a magnificent job talking about his day-to-day work such as dealing with plumbing, mechanical problems, and the car issues that are bound to come up in a Jesuit community. He talked about his own romantic notions of what it would be like to work for a group of Jesuits, only to realize in his work how human the Jesuits actually are (as if we would be anything besides human. Sometimes it's good to remind people about that). Yet, once he got past that illusion and saw us in our fraility, he also talked about the great beauty of our lives. He talked about being moved by Ignatian Spirituality and how doing the Retreat in Everyday Life has been so important in his life. He was able to see in our humanness and weakness how God somehow finds a way to work even with us! My sense is that he loved his job and the men that he serves.

Gloria Rothrock, from Africa, talked about her battle with cancer and yet shared how blessed she feels in her life. In the midst of her own suffering, she still is able to find God active in her life blessing her with many gifts. It is quite amazing when you encounter people who have such faith and hope in their lives despite great trials.

Lorenzo Herman, a fellow Scholastic studying at St. Louis University, spoke about research he did about his family lineage in which he uncovered that he had English blood in him--blood of a slave owner who had two sets of kids, kids with his actual wife and kids with one of the slave women. Lorenzo is a by-product of his many-greats grandmother who was enslaved by a man with the last name Harvard. Yet, he spoke about how if that had never happened, he would not be here today. Perhaps one way to put it is "finding grace in the midst of shittyness." Jesuits speak about finding God in all things, and that includes finding God in the most difficult times. Such is our vocation. In the Oregon province, we are certainly called into that sentiment in the midst of our bankruptcy.

Pat Twohy, a Jesuit in our province who has worked with Native Americans for many years, read a letter he wrote to Father General who posed the question to the province: "why are you still working with them?" His letter was remarkable and moving as he described the history of the Jesuits with the Native peoples in the Northwest (we were actually invited by them) and the great pain and suffering he has witnessed in his ministry. Pat remarked that we stay with the Native people at this time not because we are not done with them, but because they are not yet done with us. In his eyes, he felt the province had a great deal to learn from them about how to carry pain and suffering as they have carried it for many generations. So many of them in our apostolates, despite what is happening in the province, support us in our work and continue to stand with us in this difficult time.

Finally, witnessing the Vows of Perry Petrich and Sean Towey, two grads from Bellarmine Prep in Tacoma, was quite moving. I had a great seat since I was conducting the Jesuit choir for the first time (I "conducted" last year from the piano, but actually conducting where you wave your hands and hope people follow is quite a different experience. I've always imagined an experience where I would tear up while conducting a choir and genuinely had that first-time experience). We are lucky to have these two young men enter more fully into the Society who beautifully professed their Vows before friends and family.

Well, I am now back in Seattle and will be returning back to the Bronx later this week. I look forward to to this upcoming school year with a lot of gratitude, strengthened by the many graces and consolations that I have received this past summer. AMDG

Summer Reflections: Looking back at my time in LA

2010-07-28T23:13:00.005-07:00

Sometimes I watch shows like "America's Got Talent." My little sister earlier today was watching "So You Think You Can Dance" and I was watching a bit of it with her (and making fun of her about it too). I find myself quite inspired by the way these contestants pour out their heart and soul into their work, and you can tell the ones who truly love what they are doing.

This past summer has been filled with experiences in which I have often thought to myself: "I truly love this Jesuit life that I lead." My vocation as a Jesuit is something I have poured my heart and soul into, and I have experienced things I would never had an opportunity to otherwise. Sure, it has had its fill of challenges, but I truly cannot imagine myself at this moment doing anything else. After being in the Society for almost four years now, I am beginning to notice how my Jesuit Spirituality is beginning to shape more and more how I view and experience the world. I find myself finding Christ more and more in the everyday--that Jesuit motto of "Finding God in All Things." It is like a language where, initially, you are spending quite a bit of time just trying to understand the grammar. But, you come to a point when learning a language where you are no longer trying to figure out how to say things. The words just come to you naturally. I find myself beginning to see things as a Jesuit more and more naturally.

One of my desires in my Jesuit life is to work in an educational setting. I think probably high school, but I am not completely opposed to the University setting. Although, my time at Dolores Mission has shown me that I would love to be a pastor as well (if I can avoid the administrative duties). For myself, I have sought to challenge myself in my Jesuit life and to insert myself in places that are not the most comfortable for me with the opinion that the more types of experiences I have, the better I will be able to serve in the future.

This summer, I spent quite some time with the homeless at Dolores Mission and ex-gang members at Homeboys--a segment of the population I have had little interaction with. I didn't want to read about them simply in books--I wanted to get to know them and to build some relationships. In listening to their struggles, their fears, and their hopes, I realized how my life is quite removed from theirs. For example, I don't know what it's like to become homeless because I couldn't pay my medical bills. Yet, anyone in ministerial work must learn how to place themselves in the other's shoes and understand where s/he is coming from in order to communicate more effectively with them. And sometimes, it's not what you say to people--sometimes it is just enough just to be in their company. When you feel yourself oppressed, unloved, and forgotten, sometimes all you need is someone who shows up and believes in you despite what you have been hearing for a majority of your life--someone to become like Christ to you. One homie who graduated from the school at Homeboy's remarked to his teacher: "thank you for believing in me when no one else did. You are the reason I graduated."

Being now at home in Sacramento to visit my family, I am reminded that one of the things I learned from my dad growing up is that when you are generous to others, others will be generous to you. I did my best being generous to this summer experience and to the people I became involved with. In turn, I felt so many people were generous to me. This weekend was filled with beautiful prayers and well-wishes from so many different people. At the 6pm mass this past Sunday, for example, I was invited towards the front of the Church where I was surrounded by quite a number of the GHP men. Their blessing was immensely moving and an experience I will remember for quite some time.

I find myself immensely grateful at this moment in my life, and I truly believe that Christ has been with me and continues to walk with me through all of these experiences. For that, I am truly blessed, and I cannot help but want to continue pouring my heart and soul into this life I lead.

In Gratitude for the Women at Dolores Mission

2010-07-20T11:36:00.005-07:00

(Pictures are from a leadership meeting from today)

Every Tuesday, I have the opportunity to attend CEB meetings. These meetings are like CLC meetings--they come together once a week to pray, to reflect on the upcoming Gospel reading for Sunday, and simply to spend time with one another and to enjoy each other's company. Here at Dolores Mission, these CEB groups are almost entirely composed of women--women who play a very active role in the life of the Church. Last Tuesday, we reflected on the passage from Luke about Mary and Martha, and I used that time to acknowledge the role that the women played at Dolores Mission.

I remarked: "As I reflect on this Gospel passage, I am reminded how important women are in the life of the Church. Of course, we already know that, but I think it is important for us to acknowledge and to highlight from time to time the vital role of women in our community. During this past month or so, it has become very clear to me that this Parish would not be able to operate without women. You are the ones who come to these CEB meetings. You are the ones who come to Daily Mass. You are the ones who have important leadership roles here at Dolores Mission. You are the ones who march for peace in the community and who lobby for justice with our local government officials. Without you, this parish would truly die. I want to take this time to thank all of you for the very important work that you do. Thank you so much for your inspiration and your ability to breathe life into the different ministries of the parish."

It is no secret that the number of priests in the U.S. is diminishing. We are not getting enough vocations to replace the many priests who are approaching retirement. Parish priests will begin to feel themselves overextended and will simply not have the energy to do all of the things they are asked to do. Some parishes are already hiring "Parish Life Directors" who essentially run the parish excluding Sacramental ministry. This is a big help to priests who were never trained anyway to run the business-side of parish life. Most of these Parish Life Directors will probably be women.

In the Gospels, the women are marked by their strong faith in Christ, and I have certainly witnessed the strong faith of the women here at Dolores Mission. I am very grateful for the positive role that women have played in my life, and I know that the future of the Church will very much be shaped by their work and contribution.

Praying with a Grieving Family

2010-07-09T16:27:00.003-07:00

I was recently asked due to some circumstances to lead the Rite of Christian Burial/Commital for baby Abraham. It was my first time ever to lead a service of this kind, and it was an especially delicate situation since these young parents who were given great joy in conceiving him were quickly moved into great pain upon his death. Most of the priests here in the house were away at this time, and so Fr. Scott asked the parents if they wouldn't mind having a Scholastic lead them in prayer. He explained that it would not be a Mass, but--if they were okay with it--I would lead them in prayer during this time and perform all the actions that a priest would do excluding the Eucharist. They agreed, and so I was given the unique opportunity at this stage of my formation to walk with these two young parents in their moment of grief.

It's been a few months since I have last worn my clerics, but this time felt very special to me. I brought with me an alb, holy water, and incense, and I have never before felt as priestly as I did today. I was given a taste of what the future holds in store for me should I hopefully make it to ordination. It felt very natural and right to me--a huge gift for me. Today truly was a special day in my journey as a Jesuit.

I had been wrestling the past few days about what I would say during my reflection. What words could I provide that would give them comfort and peace during this time? As I prayed, I began to realize that I would not be the one giving words of comfort. Ultimately, I believed that God would be the One who would carry them during this time, and I would simply be an instrument that provided them the opportunity to have faith in His work during this difficult time.

We prayed the rosary at the beginning, and during this time the casket was open. I saw this precious little child before my eyes and was moved with profound sadness. Not long ago, this child had been in his mother's womb. Now he was eternally sleeping in this little casket.

During my reflection following the reading of the Gospel, I first shared with the parents that I could only imagine what they were going through at this time. It is only natural to feel intense pain and grief at this time--a pain I do not pretend to understand. The pain and grief is very real, and we are fooling ourselves if we think that we are not hurting at this time. They loved him dearly--how could they not feel pain? I gave them permission to cry and to feel that hurt that they currently feel.

In my prayer, four images came to me that I shared with the family. The first image I offered was the image of Mary, in which it is written in Scripture that her heart would be pierced with many swords. This is a striking image of the type of pain a mother feels when losing her beloved. I shared with them that Our Mother knows as well as anyone the pain of losing a child, and I invited them to ask Mary to teach them how to carry their suffering at this time.

In the first reading taken from the prophet Isaiah, we heard how God would wipe away all of our tears. This was another image I offered to these young parents--that God will comfort them in their sorrow and will wipe away their tears of grief--both external and internal. God wants to help us carry our load if we allow Him to.

We heard from psalm 23, and I offered to them the image of Christ as our shepherd who leads us through the valley of death into the springs of new life. I invited them to have faith in Christ who would shepherd them in their difficult time if they placed their trust in Him. I also invited them to have faith that He was leading Abraham into new and resurrected life, for this is our faith, and this is very much what we believe as Catholics.

Finally, we listened to the Gospel of John, in which Christ tells his disciples not to be troubled, but to have faith in God and faith in Him. For He will prepare a place for them and will always be with them. In this final image, I again invited the parents to trust that God has prepared a place for Abraham, a place in which he has entered into new life. Again, this is our faith, and more, now than ever, I invited them to trust in the work of Christ who has prepared a place for all of us.

Throughout my Jesuit life thus far, I have always relied on pre-typed words to aide me when offering reflections during Mass. Yet, Fr. Scott said that the less I relied on typed notes, the more I would be able to relate to the family. I trusted that insight and prayed that God would speak through me--an insight strengthened by today's daily Gospel reading, where Christ shares that in our hour of need, the Spirit of God will speak through us if we open ourselves to it. Today was the first time ever that I have given a reflection without typed notes, and it was a consoling experience of allowing the Holy Spirit to work through me.

At the cemetery, I had a moving experience in which I invited whoever wished to take the holy water I had brought and to bless Abraham's grave. Some of the little children came up and blessed the ground, and I found myself immensely moved by this gesture.

By the end, I had the sense that although the family was still hurting, they were immensely grateful for this opportunity to bring their grief and sorrow before our God and to enter into greater faith.

I find myself at this moment so very grateful for this opportunity, and I very much find myself as a result strengthened in my own vocation. At this time, I pray for all families who have lost loved ones, especially those who have lost children. May God wipe away their tears, and may they have faith that God has prepared a place for their departed children at His side.

A Day in the Life: A Photo Tour

2010-06-25T21:51:00.012-07:00

I felt inspired recently to document a normal summer day for me here in Los Angeles through photos. Gives you a glimpse into the places where I am spending time. Hope you enjoy!

This is Casa Luis Espinal, the current Jesuit community that I am staying. It is a relatively small community with four other Jesuits currently living here. Two are involved with Dolores Mission and two are involved at Homeboy Industries. I very much have appreciated living in an Apostolic community during this summer thus far.

Around 9am in the morning, I walk for about ten minutes to the nearby metro station at Mariachi Plaza in order to get to Homeboy Industries (I know...it's weird taking public transportation in Los Angeles). I find myself praying quite a bit during my walks. Recently, my morning prayer has been to pray the rosary--perhaps being influenced by the Mexican community's devotion to Our Lady of Guadalupe and probably to quench my neurosis of walking in the neighborhood. Personally, I find the rosary roots my prayer in Christ, as each mystery allows me to go back to those powerful images of my silent retreats where I prayed over the Gospel scenes. It also centers my prayers of petitions for the day.

A few stops down from Mariachi Plaza is Chinatown station, the stop to get to Homeboy Industries. I must admit that I was quite surprised to see what Homeboy looked like--it's a lot nicer than I thought. One Jesuit remarked that the location is strategic--it is located in a place where a gang has not claimed territory. I'm sure some people don't like this place in their backyard. However, during my time at Homeboys, I often see many different groups of people being given tours around the place. They come because they often find Homeboys to be an inspiration and an example of how to approach the gang situation. Unfortunately, Homeboy is going through some financial difficulty, so the place is much emptier than before.

I recently watched a documentary: Father G and the Homeboys, which is narrated by Martin Sheen. It's received quite a number of film awards. If interested, you can read about it here.

Here is a view of the main lobby of Homeboys.

Here is Homegirl Cafe. Their tarts are soooo good. I've had lunch here on occasion. Very tasty!

On this floor, they provide different services such as counseling.

Here is one of the Jesuits: Fr. Mark Torres, who works on this floor.

Today, I had the privilege of sitting in on a healing circle with some of the Homies. During this time, I was given a very consoling image of a horse who carries me in my travels and guides me on the way--which I connected to Christ in my life. I was honored to listen to their stories, their struggles, and also their hopes.

In the afternoon, I head out to Dolores Mission to be with the men at GHP (Guadalupe Homeless Project). The walk from the house is another ten minutes or so, and I find myself during this time often praying for peace in the community, in our families, and in the world. As I mentioned in an earlier blog posting, the neighborhood has a sad history of violence. I recently visited a family who was commemorating the death of their daughter/sister caught in the line of fire between rival gangs while riding her bike a number of years ago. Her death, however, spurred community members to speak out against the violence; their street, now, is now more well lit and has speed bumps as deterrents. Dolores Mission has served as a beacon of hope for the community and a place where people come together to help bring change in the neighborhood. This is a picture of the School across from Dolores Mission.

At 5pm, I typically go to the daily mass here at Dolores Mission, which is celebrated in Spanish. I had the terrifying task of reading today (I have a hard time saying Nebuchadnezzer in English let alone Spanish). I think they understood me...

Here is the outside of Dolores Mission. To the right is the place for the GHP men. At night, a number of them sleep in the Church. Usually, I just spend time with the men, getting to know them and such. Jesuits talk about justice for the poor and lifting them out of poverty. I firmly believe that if we are going to help the poor, we need to spend time with them and get to know them. As one of the men told me today, the pain of being homeless is the pain of feeling invisible in society--the pain of feeling that no one cares for them. Yet, I find it quite inspiring that so many of these men talk about their faith in God and that they trust what He is doing in their lives. They tell me that they appreciate someone just taking the time to listen to them and to be with them. They desire to be treated with dignity and respect--as people created in the image of God, they assert that such treatment should not be conditional. When I spend time with them, I don't really consider them as homeless people. Some of them I simply just enjoy spending time with. One of them was joking with me today and asking when I will be pope. I replied: "if that ever happens, then we're in trouble!"

While I was with the GHP men today, I caught a glimpse of a group of teenagers across the street, and one of them was wearing a Jesuit t-shirt. I thought to myself: "Oh, I wonder if they're from Jesuit High in Sacramento." After a few minutes, I decided to go up to the group, and I ended up running into my junior social justice teacher, Mr. Tim Caslin! When I think about what spurred my interest in social justice, I typically think about him--he was the one that first opened up my eyes to the inequalities that exist in our world. He invited me this evening to spend a little time with them and to share about who I am and what I have been doing as a Jesuit. Such a small world! This group from J-high has been doing an immersion experience here in LA as part of their service learning requirement as seniors. It was a great gift for me to spend time with them and to share in some Jesuit High brotherhood.

Today was a little unusual because of my meeting with the Jesuit High guys--I ended up getting home a little before ten o'clock. Usually, I am home by around 8pm or so.

The rest of my time here in Los Angeles primarily will consist in the sorts of things I have just shared with you today. So far, I feel very blessed to be here and to learn from the different sorts of people that I have been encountering. Truly, it has been a gift to me, and I have been learning quite a bit. I have no regrets about being here--I feel that I am exactly where I need to be at this time in my formation, and I believe that God has been with me every step of the way. Such sentiments are worthy of offering praise and thanksgiving.

We're better than this: The Call for Immigration Reform

2010-06-17T19:31:00.006-07:00

The Jesuit provincials of the U.S. have recently written a letter to President Obama and Congress calling for immigration reform. In their opening paragraph they write: "Through our ministries, we witness the tragic consequences of our current immigration system. This is not the America that any of us desire. We can and must do better."

Sometimes, when I read internet comments to news articles relating to immigration reform, I am greatly saddened at the extent of hate and cruelty that I find. I think Americans are better than the type of discourse that colors our commentary on this issue. I understand the anger that some feel against those who enter the country illegally and who do not go through the lawful means of obtaining citizenship. At the same time, I do not believe this gives us the right to treat illegals as if they are less than human. Many go through great lengths to come into this country because they find a lot of hope here in America. They think they will be able to find a better life here in this country and support their family, and they risk a lot in order to do so. This is a compliment to America as a country and what we represent. Americans are a people who I believe are greatly generous to those in need. Although many Americans are currently struggling in the current economic climate, I truly believe that Americans are better than simply demonizing "the other" and spewing out hate.

Indeed, our history is a history of immigrants, of those who fled their own country in order to establish a better life here in the United States. The founding story of America is not much different from the many people who flee their own country to come here today. The first immigrants were "illegals." They did not have papers or wait years before given citizenship. They came into a land that was primarily populated by people who looked unlike them out of necessity.

For all of the Jewish, Christian, and Muslim people who live in this country and who look to Abraham as one of our founding fathers of faith, we do well to remember that Abraham himself was an alien in a strange land. Abraham knew what it was like to be a stranger and to venture forth into the unknown. Many Abrahams today are in our midst, and they simply seek a better life. Could we not, at least, treat them with respect instead of trash to be thrown away? People of faith believe that we are made in the image of God. God does not see us as Americans or Mexicans or illegals. God sees us as His own children whom He loves very much. I do not believe God sees the divisions; let us try to imitate His sight.

Our current immigration system rips families apart, encourages people to live in fear, and destroys lives. America is better than that. We have been a country that illustrates itself as a beacon of hope and of freedom. Let us live up to that image and not paint ourselves as a people of hatred and resentment.

Am I being too idealistic? Is my picture of America wrong?

In any case, I think many would be in agreement that America is very much in need of immigration reform. I recommend reading the provincials' letter, which you can find here. They put forward some principles that will improve our current system.

Summer Reflections: Initial Thoughts and The Challenge of Forgiveness

2010-06-13T08:09:00.005-07:00

Before I came onto the site to write a post this morning, I noticed that blogger had some new features to toy around with. I don't think I've ever radically changed the layout of my page before, but I figured it was about time to give the blog a different look. Since my primary mission at this time in formation involves books, I thought the current background was quite apropos to the work I do. I rather like the new look.

Anyway, after being here in LA a week, I am beginning to have the feeling that this experience is exactly what I needed at this time in my formation. Although the time thus far has not been without its challenges and difficulties, I have found myself mostly in consolation. Most of the difficulties center around my own introversion and going into a new place and meeting a gazillion new people (but that's the Jesuit life!) Furthermore, I am far from being fluent in Spanish, so it is not like I can easily strike up a conversation with a number of the new people I meet here at Dolores Mission which serves primarily a Spanish-speaking population. Yet, I have found my first week to be primarily one to be very lifegiving, and that gives me a lot of hope and excitement for the rest of the summer. Despite the difficulties and suffering that the people face, I find them to be a people of great faith dedicated in the fight for peace in their communities and homes. The history surrounding this area is extremely violent, but as one ex gang-member shared with me at Homeboy industries, he believed the way to peace was to help lift the poor out of its poverty. Homeboy's motto is: "Nothing stops a bullet like a job." Youth here who find no hope in their lives will turn to gangs.

I had the privilege last Tuesday of attending a Liturgy Planning meeting with the Parish staff. During part of their meeting, they reflect on the Gospel reading for the upcoming Sunday (which happens to be today). In the Gospel, we hear that famous passage of the woman who washes the feet of Christ with her tears. As I listened to the Gospel, I shared with them that I was reminded of a scene in The Mission with Robert DeNiro, who plays a ex-slave trader who had killed his brother in a fit of rage. He is plagued by his past and cannot let go of the shame and guilt that he feels. In this scene, he is brought face-to-face with the people that he helped enslaved, and they have every right to pay him back with his own death. You can watch what happens here:

For me, this scene provides a strong image for how sin and forgiveness works in our lives. We often carry a lot of shame and guilt in our lives for some of the things that we have done. The Pharisees chastise Jesus for allowing the woman to come so close to him. Jesus knows what she has done, but he cannot help but look upon her with great love and mercy. He does not define her by her sins, because her sins do not define her. Rather, I believe that Christ sees only a person made in God's image, for this is what primarily defines her. I believe that Christ sees only that goodness within her that she cannot see herself. This so profoundly moves the woman that she cannot help but offer her tears of gratitude and thanksgiving. The forgiveness of Christ cuts her load that she was unable to let go of herself.

Well, the pastor here, Fr. Scott Santarosa, liked hearing about that so much that he has decided today to show as part of the homily this clip to the congregation during all of the Masses and ending with a moment of reconciliation in the community. As you can imagine, I was quite taken aback by this, since I didn't expect my sharing to amount to this sort of action. But, I am grateful that it will provide a moment of reconciliation for the people.

Like the woman, I think all of us are in need of forgiveness and healing in our lives, and we are lucky to have Christ whose gaze is the epitome of love, that love that we are all called to imitate in our lives.

To Dolores MIssion for the Summer

2010-06-05T11:36:00.004-07:00

The past few days, I have been spending time here in Spokane preparing for my upcoming summer. As I have mentioned earlier, I will be going to Dolores Mission Church in LA. I came across its website, which you can find here.

I must admit that I find myself a little nervous about going. There were a number of reasons that I wanted to go: to practice some Spanish, to be in contact with poorer populations and to learn from them, etc. I wanted something that would push me and stretch me beyond my comfort zones, and I think this experience will certainly do that. Despite my nervousness, I have been given thus far in my Jesuit vocation the grace of of being able to see Christ in all of my experiments, and I believe Christ is very much at work in the place I will be going. I seek always to place my trust in God and to be open to God's movements in my life.

During my silent retreat, I was reading two very different books. One was Kierkegaard's Works of Love. Probably a little heady for some, and not too philosophical enough for others. For a thinking person of faith, it is right up my alley. The other was Fr. Greg Boyle's recent book Tattoos on the Heart: The Power of Boundless Compassion. His book has a number of real stories that are both profoundly moving and challenging to read. Really, though, the primary content of these books are the same--God's incredible love for us and the challenge of accepting that love and imitating it despite our human weakness and frailty.

I mention especially Fr. Boyle's book because I will be spending some time as well at Homeboy Industries--a ministry targeted at ex-gang members. If you are interested in learning more, you should pick up his book.

So, I leave for my home state tomorrow morning. I ask for your prayers as I embark on my summer. God bless

At Mt. St. Michael

2010-06-03T22:32:00.005-07:00

During my eight-day silent retreat, I had the privilege of visiting Mount St. Michael, the place in Spokane, WA where many of the Jesuits in the Oregon province have been buried. Since my work in the infirmary last year, three Jesuits have passed away whose graves I was able to visit. Another one will be buried there tomorrow--Fr. Alex Mcdonald.

Hayden Lake this year was unusually wet. We had only two full days of sun--the first day we arrived and the final day of the retreat. My visit to the Mount came on an especially rainy Memorial day. Curiously, though, a window of sun came through right at the time of my visit. Shortly after leaving the Mount, it proceeded to rain quite heavily again. I took it as a sign that God was blessing the visit.

My visit to the Mount was an immensely consoling experience. I recently tried to construct a poem about it, but I don't find myself to be much of a poet. I think I'll just convey a sense of what I experienced.

While I was praying, I got a keen sense that what I was experiencing was something quite profound--an experience that defies the simple perception of things. I wasn't simply seeing the graves of the men or noticing all of the white stones in front of me. Of course I was seeing that. But I was seeing so much more as well.

A cemetery usually reminds one of death. I had the opposite experience. I paradoxically experienced a lot of hope and life in my visit. I saw in my memory the smile of a man who took delight in sharing his love for tennis. I experienced around me the beauty of the earth, the warmth of the sun, and the song of young birds. I meditated on the lives of these men who each had their own flaws and weaknesses, yet they heard the call of God and lived as best they could to offer their lives in service. I was in the company of Jesuits who sought to ground their gaze upon Christ--the One who looks out over the world with great love and compassion and the One whom they sought to imitate as best as they could. I had a felt sense that I was on Holy Ground and had a transcendent experience of joining in song with them the "Salve Regina." The Mount overlooks the city of Spokane, and I experienced these men looking out over the world with a desire to bring that light and life of Christ out to those who thirst.

Call me crazy, but here, I did not find the dead. I found the living who have risen in Christ and inspired me in my own vocation. Words do not do justice to what I experienced (which is true for most of my silent retreat where God abundantly showered me with grace and consolation). I believe such an experience would not have been possible for me without the richness of my prayer during my silent retreat in which many of the Gospel scenes came to life to me in a way I had not experienced before. It was a retreat laden with images rich in affect, and that carried over into my experience at the Mount.

I encountered a stone with a poem written by John Masterson. I thought I would end with his words.

While others find this place
deserted, it will be
ever pulsing with life
for me.

For over simple stones
On this wind caressed height
A host of vibrant men
stand bright.

Their eyes and words more clear
Than any I now know
In all the crowded town
below.

I see the living here,
Though spirits may have fled,
And moving numbly there,
the dead.

A little update

2010-05-24T11:39:00.002-07:00

After a long and exhausting semester of academic study at Fordham, I am now back in the Northwest for a little bit--specially in Spokane at Gonzaga University. I will be going out later today to Hayden Lake, ID as I did last year to make my eight day silent retreat, which I am very much looking forward to. My brain feels like it has not stopped working this past month, so the time in silence will be quite welcome. Any of your prayers would be greatly appreciated.

After the eight day retreat, I will be spending a few days in Spokane before I fly out to Los Angeles for the summer. As I mentioned some time ago, I will be spending time at Dolores Mission and Homeboy Industries--simply to witness the work that is going on over there while also having some time to practice Spanish. Like any new experience, I feel a little nervous and apprehensive about it, but I trust, like in the past, that God will be very much present and active in my life during this summer.

Once I am out of retreat, I hope to update my blog a little more often than I have been this semester. Since I devoted all of my creative writing energies to my papers, I felt that I had no energy left to offer to the blog. Hopefully my battery will be recharged so that I can write again outside outside of the academic setting. But, I feel very pleased with my work this semester and hopefully I can share some of what I have learned.

As I mentioned in my last post, I hope to write something about religious vocation in the current climate. Also, I just watched the series finale of LOST yesterday and feel compelled to write something about this as well. I personally found it to be very consoling and an occasion that enriched my own faith--but more on that at a later date.

So, I hope to come back writing within the next week and a half or so once I return from the silence.

Until then, I leave you with a music video done at Ciszek Hall this past semester. I'm sure a number of you have come across it, but if not, here it is. The one playing the piano at the beginning is Mikey Wood, my piano student and also the one who made this excellent video.

Enjoy the Jesuit nerdiness =p

Another Jesuit Blog Advertisement

2010-05-03T08:13:00.003-07:00

I recently received an e-mail asking to promote a website sponsored by the Jesuit Community at Regis College in Toronto. Check it out!

The Jesuit community at Regis College (www.regiscollege.ca) in Toronto, Canada, has launched a prayer website ForThisWePray.com. The website has been developed to encourage people to pray online, an avenue for shared prayer across the world . People can submit their prayer requests online (www.forthiswepray.com), prayers are kept confidential and the Regis College community and the Regis Jesuits include all petitions received in their weekly Wednesday community mass at the college on campus.

Also, we have designed a special prayer e-card that can be personalized and sent to Mom with prayers for Mother's Day.

The Regis community also keeps a blog www.friendsinthelord.com, if you'd like to subscribe or add to your blogroll.

On an unrelated note, the recent news with the Catholic Church has been on my mind quite a bit lately. I have some thoughts to share on this matter, but I will probably set this aside until my work load diminishes somewhat amidst this busy academic part of the year.

Mass Reflection

2010-04-14T20:33:00.003-07:00

Ever since I began my blog, I have been in the habit of posting my once-a-semester Mass reflections. I primarily write these with my Jesuit brothers in mind as they are my immediate audience, but perhaps you may find something of value here. God bless.

Brothers,

Today, we hear in the famous Gospel passage that God so loved the world that he sent his only Begotten Son, that through Christ, God was able to communicate and continues still to communicate that wondrous love he has for all of us. For you Greek scholars, the word used here is ‘agape,’ a love which is quite different from ‘eros’ or ‘filia’. ‘Eros’ is an erotic love, a love that you fall into almost as a result of an arrow from cupid. ‘Filia’ is a kind of friendship and relationship that two people have exclusively for one another. The love of God is ‘agape’ because His love is like the sun whose light radiates on both saint and sinner alike. It is radically unconditional and self-emptying, and although much of the world may turn away from His rays, it does not negate how the Son continues to shine forth upon us.

I think it is fitting during this Easter season that we contemplate the ‘agape’ of God, and indeed this is an important reflection for us as men rooted in the Spiritual Exercises. In the fourth week, we are challenged and called into that important contemplation to attain love, which I believe is more specifically a contemplation to attain ‘agape.’ In one of my favorite lines of Hopkins poetry, he writes: “Let him easter in us, be a dayspring to the dimness of us, be a crimson-cresseted east.” During this joyous season, God easters forth his ‘agape’ to us all. We are called to be disciples of Christ, to let our light shine forth unto the world in His imitation.

For the remainder of this time, I would invite you to pray with me briefly as I touch on the points Ignatius has us contemplate in the fourth week. Let us place ourselves in the presence of the angels and saints, that stirred to profound gratitude for the love God has given to us, we may become better able to love and serve Christ and the world.

Two preliminary notes: first, love ought to manifest itself more by deeds than by words. Second, love consists in a mutual communication. God is the lover, and we, the world, are the beloved.

First point: Let us consider how much God has given us. All of us here are very talented individuals each with our particular God-given gifts. What are those unique and important gifts in your life? What gifts do we take for granted? Which gifts need to be cherished? How can I best use my gifts and offer them up for the greater glory of God?

Second point: Let us consider how God dwells in the world and gives all things their existence, their life, sensation, and intelligence. Without God, we would literally be nothing. We are all temples of the living God, created in the likeness and image of his Divine Majesty. Can we see ourselves as God’s temple? Are we able to see how God dwells in each other? Can we find God dwelling here in the Bronx, hard as that may seem?

Third point: Let us consider how God continues to labor in the world. God is active in the world and in our lives. God is not simply a concept to be grasped, but is that mysterium tremendum et fascinans who dares to be in active relationship with all of us. How is God currently active in our lives? Can we see how God is laboring in our world and in creation?

Fourth point: Let us consider how all good things come to us like the rays from the sun. God is the light of the world; whoever lives the truth comes to the light, so that his works may be clearly seen as done in God.

In all of these points, we reflect upon ourselves and consider how we cannot help but respond to this ‘agape’ of God for all of us. What have we done for Christ? What are we doing for Christ? What will we do for Christ?

We conclude as one making an offering with deep affection:

“Take Lord, receive, all my liberty,
my memory, my understanding,
and my entire will.
Whatsoever I have or hold
You have given me.
I give it all back to you and surrender it,
Wholly to be governed by your will.
Give me only your love and your grace
And I am rich enough, and I ask for nothing more.

In the name of the father, and of the son, and of the holy spirit.

An assortment of things

2010-04-08T19:42:00.006-07:00

First off, I would like to extend to all of you a very belated Easter. It is a beautiful time of the year in which we are called into new life and to rejoice in the resurrection of our Lord.

I personally have found myself quite busy since the beginning of Holy Week, singing in the Fordham Choir and helping out with the festivities here at Ciszek. I feel in some ways that I have been going non-stop ever since with plenty of things such as paper writing, cooking, preparing for our recent Minor Ministries Mass, etc. Papers are also looming ahead, so as you can imagine, it is that crazy time of the year for us students.

My postings, as a result, will probably be a little more infrequent in these upcoming two months (but who knows, maybe I will write more frequently =p). However, it looks like my summer will be spent in LA, where I would like to spend time with Dolores Mission and Homeboy Industries. I am sure I will have plenty to write about during my time there.

I find my disposition in prayer these days simply to stop what I am doing, take a few moments to breathe, to place myself in the presence of God, and to pray in gratitude for my blessings.

I would also like to write a little bit about my April 1st post, since I have received mixed responses from it. Clearly, my April 1st posts these past two years have been resounding successes...maybe third time's a charm?

Primarily, I would like to apologize for any harm that may have been caused to those who took it quite seriously (and subsequently, I have taken it down as a result). It certainly was not my intention for the post to be a serious rant against my fellow brethren, and I realize that the post could be quite damaging. I was writing in a quite hyperbolic way and blowing small issues that a community may talk about completely out of proportion. It certainly could have been read that I had a major axe to grind.

Like any place, a little conflict is inevitable in religious community, but I believe it is also important to have a sense of humor about these things. Personally, I count my blessings if the biggest conflict in my life is wondering why someone hasn't restocked the bathroom with toilet paper. Clearly, many people around the world deal with much more serious problems in their lives on a daily basis. Again, though, I apologize for any misunderstanding and harm that may have been caused.

In the end, we are called to be like Christ to one another as best we can in our communities and in our homes. I believe the home to be the primary place where love must be cultivated and practiced if it is to be shared with the wider community. Indeed, as Jesuits, we have been in recent conversation about community as mission, but in the wider context, we can also speak about the home as mission.

Again, I wish you all a blessed Easter season! I leave you with a link to Holy Week at Seattle University which brought me many good memories.

Good Friday Music For Reflection

2010-04-02T07:24:00.004-07:00

First, I hope those who read my post noticed what day it was yesterday. I was just having a little fun with the blog.

On a more somber note, Christians everywhere today remember in our hearts the kenotic act of Christ crucified on the cross--an act that still very much speaks to us in the present, an act that continues to reveal the capacities for hatred and violence that resides within the hearts of all humankind. And yet, on the cross, Christ's arms are paradoxically nailed in its most outstreched position, a position through which He is to communicate that unconditional, radical love for humanity despite our sinfulness.

I thought I would share today a favorite choral song of mine that I have sung in the past: Crucifixus by Antonio Lotti. May it aide you in your contemplation on this Holy Day

Beset by Weakness

2010-03-30T20:16:00.003-07:00

"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who has similarly been tested in every way, yet without sin...He is able to deal patiently with the ignorant and erring, for he himself is beset by weakness."

Before I entered the Jesuits, my spiritual director gave me an article entitled "Because beset by weakness..." by Fr. Michael Buckley, SJ. I think many of my Jesuit brothers are probably acquainted with this beautiful reflection which I link here for your reference. In this article, he advocates the position that all those who desire to enter the priesthood must be beset by weakness--a man open and capable to the experience of suffering and utter helplessness--one completely touched by the frailty of human nature, and thus one who can be in touch by the weakness and frailty of others. If he does not understand that pain himself, how can he ever serve and minister to those who grapple with pain all their lives?

My spiritual director probably gave me this article since the tapes that ran in my head (and still do, although I now have a greater awareness of how the dark spirit works in this regard) often said things like: "I'm not good enough"; "I'm not strong enough"; "I don't pray enough;" etc. etc. In giving me this article, what my spiritual director was really trying to tell me was that those sources of weakness that I saw in myself are exactly the places in which God paradoxically brings out great strength. My own experience of suffering and weakness can help me to connect to those who have experienced similarly. This is probably what Anthony de Mello meant when he said: "Be grateful for your sins. They are carriers of grace."

I find for myself that the people that I tend to gravitate towards and highly respect are those people whom I sense have an understanding of this weakness in their own lives. They are not perfect people by any means, but I also wouldn't have it any other way. A number of recovering alcoholics that I have met exemplify this weakness par excellence. I am fascinated by their experience of hitting rock bottom, of losing complete control of their lives, and the realization--really the conversion moment--that they will not be able to correct the course in their lives until they have the courage to tell themselves that they need help, help that they cannot give themselves. When you meet someone who has been sober for something like 25-30+ years...those kinds of people you cannot help but admire and respect. And indeed, you find those types in the Society.

I especially admire those who carry their weakness with great humility.

The one beset by weakness I believe is ultimately one who is able to truly embrace the world despite its many flaws. The one beset by weakness does not scoff at the world or constantly pick at the splinters in his neighbors' eyes. In the end, he can love the world many deem unlovable.

It is perhaps fitting as we enter Holy Week to contemplate the weakness experienced by Christ during his journey to the cross. The sort of weakness he must have felt when the people condemned him to die, or the weakness he felt as he looked into the eyes of those who drove the nails through his flesh. Yet, it is precisely this weakness through which Christ was able to display his great love for the world. His moment of weakness became the source of our greatest hope.

Row towards your life

2010-03-05T07:02:00.003-08:00

You are young. So you know everything. You leap

into the boat and begin rowing. But listen to me.

Without fanfare, without embarrassment, without

any doubt, I talk directly to your soul. Listen to me.

Lift the oars from the water, let your arms rest, and

your heart, and heart’s little intelligence, and listen to

me. There is life without love. It is not worth a bent

penny, or a scuffed shoe. It is not worth the body of a

dead dog nine days unburied. When you hear, a mile

away and still out of sight, the churn of the water

as it begins to swirl and roil, fretting around the

sharp rocks – when you hear that unmistakable

pounding – when you feel the mist on your mouth

and sense ahead the embattlement, the long falls

plunging and steaming – then row, row for your life

toward it.

~ Mary Oliver ~

A Glimpse Into My Prayer-Relationship

2010-03-02T20:16:00.004-08:00

I've been thinking about my relationship to God lately during this season of Lent. What is my relationship like at the current moment? What are the hopes/desires of the relationship? Have I allowed myself to listen and be receptive of God's movements, or am I doing most of the talking in this relationship?

Like anything, it's one of those things where I say: "well, it could be better."

In many ways, I feel that what I often desire in my relationship with God is what I often desire of my closest relationships: intimacy (in the non-sexual sense of the word), authenticity, openness, understanding...a relationship that is stripped of the masks, where I can genuinely share not only life's struggles but also life's joys. A relationship open to growth and to challenges rooted in love. A relationship where I can simply laugh, smile, and be grateful for the time spent together.

Sometimes some of the most profoundest moments of a relationship can be spent in utter silence.

I have found myself particularly grateful for a number of shared moments I have had with some brother Jesuits. Deep, spiritual conversations on the subway, random hallway chatter, esoteric philosophical/theological debates, daily crossfit exercises, shared prayers before the Lord's table, even playful "pwnings." When I look back at these moments in prayer, I cannot help but simply say "thank you" and bow before holiness clothed in ordinariness. For, in those moments, I often find glimpses of the living Christ, glimpses which often go unrecognized until conscientious prayer moments bring them into the light.

If there is one thing I have been recognizing lately, it is that I have been very much learning about my relationship with God because of what I have been learning about my relationship to those around me. Good, healthy relationships take time to develop, and I very much feel that way about my relationship with Christ. It is a relationship I strive to tend to everyday, but of course, some days are better than others. But, God has always been there, always offering His unconditional love whether I take notice or not.

On the flip side, I have also noticed that my relationships with others is greatly improved when my relationship with God is in right order. When I have not been tending to my prayer life, I notice a stark difference in the way I am able to relate to others. Symptoms include irritability, heightened sensitivity, and even a little "bitchiness."

In my experience, a healthy relationship with God leads to a greater ability to do works of love, and works of love are the bricks through which the earth becomes built like heaven.

Charged with the Grandeur of God

2010-02-24T08:01:00.004-08:00

In Hopkins arguably most famous poem God's Grandeur (I don't think it's his best one, personally), the opening line reads:

"The world is charged with the grandeur of God."

Curiously, I began to think about this poem while reading from the philosophy of Karl Marx, who holds religion to be the opiate of the masses. Religion as the ideological skin that humanity must shed if it is to realize its true nature both individually and as a society.

Of course, as a Jesuit, I do not agree with such sentiments. Yet, such sentiments arguably arise because religion can become an all-too-comfortable boys club that is no longer able to bear witness to its true spirit. God becomes a means to an end. The message of the Gospels becomes stripped of its vitality in order to further personal, political agendas. Clothed in religious language lie hearts of pride, selfishness, and greed.

Yet, I do believe that the world is charged with the grandeur of God--a world radiating with the light of Christ. The spirit of the Trinity is found in creation, in each and every one of us. God animates and electrifies the life of this world--past, present, and future. And we are charged with the task to bear witness to the spirit of God within us--a task done at its best with alacrity and joy.

I do not believe that humanity attains its true being when it casts off belief in God. On the contrary, I believe we become alienated from our true selves, selves that ultimately only make sense when we are in relationship with God--God who loves us incredibly, radically, unconditionally. When we bear witness to that true love, we should have no need to defend our actions or our faith. Our actions should speak for themselves.

Despite our sinfulness, I believe there is great good found within all of us. I have seen this and experienced this with my own eyes. If we can recognize this good--this divinely-charged life--within our brothers and sisters and draw out that goodness from within humanity, we are well on our way towards the Kingdom of Heaven, where all the world is embraced with Bright Wings.

A Lenten Blog on the Spiritual Exercises

2010-02-15T15:55:00.003-08:00

Since there have been a number of generous souls who have promoted my blog on their site, I thought I would pay it forward and promote a new Lenten blog where one of the contributors is a fellow Ciszek brother, David Paternostro S.J. For those who would like more contact with the deep treasure of the Spiritual Exercises, this blog may provide you with a rich opportunity to learn more about Jesuit spirituality.

An excerpt from their site:

Welcome to the Spiritual Exercises blog! This blog is a collaborative effort between David Paternostro, S.J., John Brown, S.J., Deacon Kevin Dyer, S.J., and Fr. Chris Collins, S.J. In it, we will offer daily reflections over the course of Lent based on the prayers proposed by St. Ignatius Loyola, S.J., in his Spiritual Exercises. By Easter, one who has followed these reflections regularly will have a basic introduction to the whole of the Spiritual Exercises.

Definitely check it out! Especially as we soon enter into the season of Lent, I'm sure this blog can enrich your prayer during this upcoming Liturgical season. You can find it here

The Gift of Inspiration

2010-02-14T20:40:00.005-08:00

"The Lord God formed man out of the clay of the ground and blew into his nostrils the breath of life, and so man became a living being (Genesis 2:7)."

I was recently attending to my private night prayer, slowing myself down and consciously breathing in the Holy Spirit, when I felt the consolation of noticing God's inspiration within me. From the Latin word Inspirare (In-into + spirare-breathe). One might also define inspiration as grace--a gift freely given by God.

In a fragment of his poem The Blessed Virgin compared to the Air we Breathe, Gerard Manley Hopkins writes:

"this needful, never spent,
and nursing element;
My more than meat and drink,
My meal at every wink;
This air, which, by life's law,
My lung must draw and draw
Now but to breathe its praise."

Artists, in the most general sense of the term, derive their life's work from inspiration. There is something about much art that goes beyond the artist. Somehow, the art taps into the Divine, is charged with the grandeur of God. God breathes into the artist, and through the art-form, that inspiration is channeled timelessly into the many that come into contact with the inspired creation.

How wondrous is the inspired event of the breaking of the bread?

We do well to take notice, to humbly receive the ever-present gift, and to offer exhalations of thanksgiving.

Homily from My Vow Mass

2010-02-12T02:27:00.000-08:00

I've been wanting to upload this audio file to my blog for quite some time, and I figured I'd use this restless night as a time to do that.

Over the past few weeks, I've been occasionally re-listening to the homily from my Vow Mass in August '08 by my current provincial, Fr. Pat Lee. I find this prayerful recording to be a source of great wisdom that helps me more firmly ground my understanding of this vowed life I live.

The scriptural references come from Daniel 3:39-42 and Mark 12:28-34

My Class Schedule

2010-02-07T10:41:00.000-08:00

Since I am currently missioned to study philosophy, I thought I would share my class schedule this semester. We are already two weeks in, but I am thinking that this current semester will be my most difficult semester here at Fordham. After this semester, I hope never to take four classes again in the MAPR program. (It's a bad sign when you feel stressed the first week of classes)

Anyway, I thought I would give little excerpts from my syllabi:

Nineteenth Century Philosophy (required):
"Situated between Kant's Copernican revolution and Nietzsche's perspectivism, the nineteenth century experienced a radical questioning of the nature of truth and human understanding. The major reflections on the problem did not occur primarily in the abstract discourse of epistemological theory but in the concrete discourses of religious, social, and cultural critique."

I will be reading in this class from Hegel, Marx, Kierkegaard, and Nietzsche.

Philosophy of Literature (elective):
"Philosophy of Literature is a doctoral-level graduate course devoted to examining central questions pertaining to the philosophical assessment of literature and the relationship between philosophy and literature as contested since the beginnings of the Western philosophical traditions...Issues to be addressed include the autonomy of literature, the nature of literary language, the distinction between poetry and prose, the relation of literature to history, the distinctions among literary, scientific, and everyday language, ontological and phenomenological accounts of the literary work of art, and, quite prominently, the status of author and reader in the constitution of the literary work."

Most of the philosophers I will be reading here fall under the realm of Continental Philosophy.

Introduction to the New Testament (elective):
"In this course we will study the origins of Christianity by analyzing its most important literature, now known as the New Testament, in historical context. Theological themes--such as doctrine of God, Christology, sin and salvation--will occupy our attention as they arise in the texts, but they are not our only concern. We will also explore issues of social history, contemporary hermeneutics, religious identity formation, Jewish-Christian relations, gender and sexuality, and political power."

We are reading a lot here.

Analysis for Ministry (required):
"Analysis for Ministry" is meant to foster the reflective habit and analytic ability called for by the Society (of Jesus). This course will attempt to bring faculty together from across the curriculum in order to engage students in a vigorous conversation on social justice and the methods of social and cultural analysis in the Christian tradition. The seminar will begin with a reading of the entire corpus of papal encyclicals on Catholic social doctrine. The course will then progress to relate the principles of this extensive body of magisterial teaching to theology and to economics."

We have about 5 professors team teaching this course. This course helps to form our "habit of reflection in a serious and systematic way on the experience of our human condition in the light of the Gospel."

I think overall that this should be a good semester content wise, but I just need to be able to keep up with the mounds of work already piling up for myself.

The Event with the Divine Word

2010-01-29T12:46:00.000-08:00

Prayer is an event, a special time that brings us into relationship with God--God whom the faithful believe to be very present to us in the here and now.

When we read the bible, or listen to the Word proclaimed at Mass, I believe it is important how we relate to those words on the page or how we listen to the spoken word. Scripture is not simply an occasion in which we figure out what happened to God's people in the past or read about the historical acts of Christ. Of course, there is significance to such an interpretive reading. Yet, in the reading or in the listening, there is also that greater faith element of believing in the immediacy of God's real presence. In those acts, God is speaking to us.

One of the richest Gospel passages for me was read a few days ago: the parable of the sower. We listen from Mark 4:

"Hear this! A sower went out to sow. And as he sowed, some seed fell on the path, and the birds came and ate it up. Other seed fell on rocky ground where it had little soil. It sprang up at once because the soil was not deep. And when the sun rose, it was scorched and it withered for lack of roots. Some seed fell among thorns, and the thorns grew up and choked it and it produced no grain. And some seed fell on rich soil and produced fruit. It came up and grew and yielded thirty, sixty, and a hundredfold. He added, 'Whoever has ears to hear ought to hear.'"

Of course, one way to read this passage is just to skim read it and to glance its meaning. "Okay, plant your seed in fertile ground...duh" You hear it, you've "attained" its meaning, and then you forget about it. In this type of reading, has God's word really taken root?

Those religious who have written about the formal prayer of Lectio Divina understood the significance of prayer as an event. In the slow reading or hearing of a text, they understood prayer to be a means in which God can take root in us, to form us and to shape us, to change us into who we are fully meant to be. We allow God to speak, and we challenge ourselves to actually listen.

In an increasingly technological age of efficiency in which our greatest commodity is our time, the deficiency of our culture is our inability to pause, to be still, and to listen. I say that, because I understand the effects technology has had on my own life--the power of television and computers and iPods, to name a few. It's quite hard nowadays to think of a world without electricity and technology, but those days did indeed exist. I'm sure the experience and relation our ancestors had to time was far different from our experience now. Five minutes can seem like an eternity to us--I'm not sure they would have experienced time like that in the same way.

When I ask my 7th graders to sit silently for a few minutes in prayer, I see how extremely difficult it is for many of them. Yet, after those few moments, I have experienced a greater calm in them than if I did not start off my classes with those moments of silence. If we have not cultivated an inner space of silence in which we can listen to and respond to the Word of God, how can we ever have a real experience of God? How can we ever enter into those relational events with the Divine?

St. Ignatius, with his emphasis on the Spiritual Exercises, understood the importance of the relational event with the Divine in his promotion of using our senses and imagination with respect to the Gospels. For Ignatius, the words become more than simply bearers of meaning. The words become the bearer of God himself, the Word, through which, by faith, we are able to have a real and immediate experience of God. The words open up a world unto God's self, a realm in which His grace radiates forth in the here and the now.

It is perhaps a good question for us to consider our own relationship to Scripture--of how we read and hear the Word of God. What kind of soil are we cultivating through which God desires to take root in us? Where do we need tending? Where are the weeds?

Why Am I a Jesuit?

2010-01-21T19:27:00.000-08:00

"It is often said nowadays that the present century thirsts for authenticity. Especially in regard to young people it is said that they have a horror of the artificial or false and that they are searching above all for truth and honesty.
These "signs of the times" should find us vigilant. Either tacitly or aloud-but always forcefully--we are being asked: Do you really believe what you are proclaiming? Do you live what you believe? Do you really preach what you live? The witness of life has become more than ever an essential condition for real effectiveness in preaching."
~Pope Paul VI, Evangelii nuntiandi, S76

I've been thinking about this question of being a Jesuit recently. I find myself wracked with uncertainty and overwhelming weakness, wondering if I have the capacity and the strength to live this life amidst the challenges and the struggles that I inevitably face. Can I give authentic witness to this vocation?

There's a part of me that feels selfish about writing this post as I compare my own struggles with the suffering that the people of Haiti are going through and think to myself: "my struggle is nothing compared to what they are going through. How dare I complain about my own struggles."

On the other hand, I feel my struggles to be quite real, and it would be silly for me to ignore the reality of what is going on inside of me. It is silly anyway--almost bordering on dangerous-- to play the comparison game of who suffers more.

As I was praying earlier, I felt called to write this because I need to write this for myself more than anyone else. In the midst of this time of First Studies, I need to rekindle that fire that led me first into the Society.

Why am I a Jesuit?

I have probably referenced this well-known quote of Fr. Pedro Arrupe before, but I continue to draw inspiration and strength from it:

"Nothing is more practical than finding God, that is, than falling in love in a quite absolute, final way. What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination, will affect everything. It will decide what will get you out of bed in the morning, what you will do with your evenings, how you will spend your weekends, what you read, who you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you with joy and gratitude. Fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything."

I was recently reading the letter that I wrote to my former provincial before I took vows during my 8-day retreat. I remember thinking that I was not going to take vows unless I truly believed in what I was going to profess.

My introductory paragraph read:

"Dear Fr. Provincial,
As I compose this letter to you, I am surrounded by our Lord’s grandeur here at Hayden Lake. I am overwhelmed by the abundance of God shown forth through the beauty of the earth and am moved with awe and thanksgiving. Here, in this most sacred place, God has touched me, deeply and profoundly, yet again. I feel wholly unworthy, yet still God beckons, invites me into a greater mystery beyond my own understanding. God has led me to this point, and as I imagine the prospect of taking vows this upcoming August, I feel at peace. I have found my home, have found where I feel I belong—in the vineyard of our Lord. Therefore, with humble heart, I ask your permission to profess on August 16, 2008 simple perpetual vows into the Society of Jesus and to be admitted into first profession."

These words were not fluff to make the provincial think highly of me. I believed these words profoundly. It is funny to read how unworthy I felt myself to be in God's sight--the story of my life. Yet, God still calls. God sees something in me worth sharing to the world, and I have to believe that because I often do not believe that of myself. That has been echoed in so many people who have been as Christ to me and who have affirmed my decision to be with the Society.

The fire, though, needs greater tending. Anyone can offer herself/himself to God without necessarily being in religious life. Why am I a Jesuit?

I don't want to answer: "because what else would I do with my life?"

As I think about this, I am coming to realize that it is absurd for me to think that I can fully and completely answer this question. Tending to one's fire is, in many ways, the task of a lifetime. I imagine that all people must necessarily ask this question as they grow in years. And perhaps what originally fed the fire must now be fed differently.

I think answering this question presumes that I completely understand my vocation. Yet, I alluded in my vow letter that I felt led into a vocation greater than my own understanding. That this life that I wanted to lead was wrapped in mystery, yet I believed that God would walk with me through thick and thin and strengthen me through His love and mercy to enter fully into this life.

I became a Jesuit, in part, because I felt the amazing power of God's love in my life, and I wanted to respond and share that with others. I saw the Jesuits as a conduit through which I could best share what I have been given to those around me. As a Jesuit, I have grown in faith and in love for our Lord, heartened by these brothers of mine who have taught and formed me into becoming more and more a Jesuit.

Yes, I am a Jesuit. But, in a different sense, I am always in the process of becoming a Jesuit. At this midway point in my time in first studies, I am called to revisit that question: "why am I a Jesuit." Do I have the grace to imitate Christ who humbly became as one of us up til death?

Only by God challenging me in this way can I really grow in my vocation, and I must be open to this challenge. And, that I can be open with this challenge is a grace for which I am thankful for. And, I know I do not enter into this challenge alone.

In my experience, religious life has been a very enriching life thus far, and I have grown in ways I never would have otherwise. But, this life is also not a walk in the park, and there are many painful graces to be experienced.

I hardly ever ask this of anyone (I have been recently), but please pray for me at this time. We religious pray for the world daily, but I think our vocations are strengthened by those who pray for us as well--that we might faithfully and authentically serve God and God's people with integrity. Please help us and support us to be the best people that we can be for the Church and for the world.

Back from the Grips of Irrelevancy!!!

2010-01-18T02:06:00.000-08:00

People of earth, I am back!! Back from the woe and wretchedness of obscurity, back from the sad state of insignificancy, back from the (insert catchy alliterative phrase) of (insert catchy thesaurus word)! Trust me reader, there is nothing so deplorable to the serious blogger than to see one's blog gather cobwebs and the chirping of crickets.

Oh, who am I kidding? I have no readers.

Alright, you probably think I have gone crazy, so I promise to check myself into the crazy-house. Actually, now that I think about it, I don't really have to move anywhere...

Mostly kidding aside, I have been wanting again to get back into my old practice of writing. A month and a half since my last post, no? It usually is that last month in the semester when my already crazy-self goes into that super-crazy mode of overly obsessing about my work. The thought of writing anything outside of my 20-page papers almost made me want to vomit. Of course, being a good Asian, I don't care about my grades =p

So what brings me out of that comfortable hole of blog-silence? Well, honestly, part of the reason is that I have been waking up in the middle of the night lately and have a terrible time trying to get to bed. It's been a number of days since I've been able to have uninterrupted sleep. But, if you notice when I wrote on my blog last time, I did it in the wee hours of the morning. Well, I figure instead of wallowing in self-pity for three hours that I would actually make the most of that quiet time. There really is something to those early morning hours that I can find quite peaceful.

Of course, a big reason for my silence is a struggle anyone who writes goes through: what really do I have to say that is worth sharing? I mean, there are millions of people on the intraweb and far more interesting blogs out there to read. Why would I ever want to keep up this blog?

Well, I've thought about it, and the only answer that makes sense to me is insanity.

Really, though, I do like writing, so why wouldn't I write? Well, to write is to be vulnerable. And, who wouldn't want to be vulnerable in this pollyanna society in which we support and constantly affirm one another?

Maybe it's masochism...

Anyway, I really do want to get back into a rhythm of writing, and hopefully I'm just not saying that. Well, knowing me, I'll wait two months, wake up in the middle of the night, and write another post about how I haven't written for two months and how I would like to write again. Lord...

Well, to spur myself to write, there are a few things I've been wanting to blog about (in no particular order):
1) A reflection on the horrific events of Haiti
2) Mapping my faith journey. Why am I a Jesuit?
3) Discerning my summer
4) More reflective writings on my spiritual life
5) Something music related

Before I end, I would like to say that I find myself very grateful at this time to those who support me--for their immense generosity, charity, and love. I am also grateful to know of God's continued work in my life. Undoubtedly, without God's grace, this life that I lead would personally be close to impossible.

Alright. Thank you to my two readers out there, you are the best! Also, happy Martin Luther King day! Let us pray for an end to racism in our world and in our hearts--that, despite differences in color, we may acknowledge the dignity and worth of all peoples. Let us also continue to keep close in our prayers our sisters and brothers of Haiti.

A (Somewhat Lengthy) Update on Life

2009-11-17T02:10:00.000-08:00

Well, I went to bed intending to get a good night's rest. I know, however, that if I wake up in the middle of the night, around the hours or 3-4, I'll have a hard time getting back to bed. So, I thought I'd just write a post in the meantime--I've been wanting to write an update about how things are going on my end anyway.

One might notice over the past few months that I have not been as active with my blog posts as I was earlier this year. When I first began the blog, I told my formation assistant that I wanted to try out a blog, just to see how it would go. But, I wanted a certain detachment from it--a certain freedom, you might say. It would be a place for me to write when I felt moved, not a place where I felt obligated to produce. I think it has been this semester where I have truly felt for the first time that freedom with my blog.

So, where to begin...

This semester, I mentioned when the school year started that I have three classes: History of Christianity, Classical Modern Philosophy, and Kierkegaard. I'll offer briefly just a little blurb on each class:

Hist. of Christianity: Last week, one of the class members began one of his remarks by declaring that he didn't want to throw napalm on the discussion. Of course, when you hear that, it means napalm is going to be thrown into the discussion. You never know what new and exciting things will come out of your classmates' mouths each week
Classical Modern: This has been my first experience of having classes run through the internet. Unfortunately, that is because our professor has to be close to her dad during this time of his life. Now, although I have more than a year of philosophy left to study, I will come out and declare now that this period of philosophy is definitively my least favorite. Just a heads-up reader--you are a mode.
Kierkegaard: Love it! Professor is well-known for being a hard grader, though, but I don't mind. Am I here for a grade, or am I here to learn??

Overall, I think the studies aspect to my life is going quite well in the sense that I been fairly good at keeping pace with the workload. It's about that time of the year, however, when the stress begins to pack-on, so I'm bracing myself for the work I need to put in during this next month or so.

I have continued my apostolate from last year which has been to teach catechism at the local parish to 7th graders. I joked with my class that I have had them for over a year, but I still don't really understand them. Last year was a constant juggle of figuring out what works and what doesn't. Finally, I think I have been able to get a grasp on my kids and have found a flow and rhythm to the class that works.

I start off the class with a few minutes of silence--both because they need the silence as much as anyone, and it's also a time for me to get settled and prepare myself internally for what I am about to do. Then, I give a little blurb for the upcoming Sunday Gospel reading. My students complain that they don't understand the priest when he preaches, so I try to make it more accessible to them (who knows if I succeed at that!). Then, I have thought it important to engage my class with reading comprehension exercises. I'm sure any help they can get in their education will be a boon for them in the long run. This semester, I have been wanting my class to get to know the lives of the Saints and the way they strove, each in their particular way, to serve God and the world. So, I bring into class a reading excerpt for my students to read and have them answer a number of questions based on the reading. I have been quite surprised how well this has worked not only in terms of their learning but also in terms of my sanity. Their behavior has been at an all-time high when I am not just lecturing at them for an hour but actually require them to take the learning into their own hands. Finally, I try to do something creative with them at the end. Last time, I had them write AIM chats to God (inspired by the colloquies of the Spiritual Exercises), which were quite the hit. I think I will continue with these.

Besides CCD, I am now a leader of a CLC group (Christian Life Community). CLC are small groups of about 7-8 people that meet on a weekly basis to deepen and share our faith with one another. When I was at Seattle U, I was a part of a CLC group my freshman year and tried leading one the following year. In my time at SU, though, CLC's had a difficult time thriving, and my group eventually dissolved. At Fordham, however, CLC's seem to be a growing ministry, and I have certainly experienced that with my own group. My group is mostly comprised of freshmen, and it has been a gift for me to journey with them and to help develop their faith lives. It's also been a great way for me to get more involved with the wider Fordham community. Jesuits in the midst of studies can get rather caught up in our bubble of books and papers.

A few weeks ago, I had the great privilege to help lead a silent retreat. Specifically, I had the unique opportunity to "direct" a retreatant. I put that in quotes, because I believe very much in Ignatius' wisdom that God is the primary director in this setting--the director serves only as a means to help the retreatant discern the movements of her/his prayer. I must say that, although this was my first time, I felt right at home with this type of ministry. It was a joy and a blessing to share this rather intimate time they were having with God and to see how it was inspiring them to live their lives. I was also humbled by how open they were with me--I got a glimpse of what it might be like to hear one's confession. I found myself often throwing out the phrase that has been thrown out to me so often in direction: be gentle with yourself. I think spiritual direction is something I would LOVE to do as a Jesuit.

My other "apostolate" has actually been with one of my Ciszek brothers. Every week, I have been giving him piano lessons. It was one of those things where he asked me to teach him, and I was more than happy to help him with this. Of course, I told him there is a price to pay for such a request: bruised hands, harsh whip-lashing, and naturally some bitter tears. He keeps coming back, so I figure he's a glutton for pain.

Generally, things here at Ciszek-land are going quite well. I must say that I have felt rather at home here this past semester, which has been a gift for me to feel. I get along with them quite well and haven't felt the need to punch anyone in the face. In the face (it's all in the delivery). Anyway, one of the things that I have found myself being particularly grateful for are our community masses. There is an energy and prayerfulness to our Masses that I have found quite edifying. It has been a source of much life for me here. A few of the many other things that I have felt lifegiving include my morning crossfit group, Wednesday glee club, and a number of intimate fraternal conversations that I have had.

Although I have certainly had my moments of struggle, I would wholeheartedly say that I have felt God very present in my life. I look back on this semester thus far with much thanksgiving and praise for God's work.

Well, I hope this post finds you all well. Many prayers and blessings!

Feast of All Saints and Blessed of the Society of Jesus

2009-11-05T20:13:00.000-08:00

I had the privilege today to offer at Mass in the community a reflection on today's very special Jesuit feast day--the Feast of All Saints and Blessed of the Society of Jesus.

Whenever I prepare things like this, I do not typically like to waste words. In my writing, I tend to be quite meticulous in the way I convey my ideas. It is not just a matter of content for me--I hold the expression of that content to be just as important as the idea itself. How ideas are expressed in verbal speech, however, can come across quite differently than the way they come across in writing. Rather than simply reading what I have prepared, I have been challenging myself to be more spontaneous--to be able to speak from the heart at the present moment and not play it too safe simply by reading words.

So, the way I have been preparing for these moments is to actually write out the reflection. But, as soon as I get up in front of the audience, I set it mostly aside and look at it only for key points that I wanted to make. The downside is that I can sometimes stumble in my words and forget some of what I wanted to say, but the reward is that the reflection can become more organic and have a more natural feel to it.

So, I would like to share my reflection today. This is not completely how it came across at Mass today, but this is how I prepared it in writing (although I have made some revisions and additions for this blog post). I addressed this primarily with a Jesuit audience in mind.

Happy Feast day!

"Brothers,

Today is clearly a very special day for us. It is a time for us to commemorate and celebrate the lives of our brethren who have gone before us. It is also a time for us to recognize how greatly the Church has acknowledged the works that the Society has done over the centuries. For example, just look at the sheer number of Jesuits Blessed and Saints that we have. I was recently looking on the Company Magazine website that has a detailed list of all of the Feast days that we could celebrate liturgically. As I tried to count all of those Feast days, I found myself having to start over a few times because I kept losing count. I think I counted 112...

That's almost a third of the entire year in which we could have a Jesuit Feast Day. I don't know about you, but I find that to be an astonishing number. How lucky we are that we can call all of these men brothers and friends in the Lord!

Of course, there is so much that we could say about these Jesuit brothers of ours. But, I would like to take the opportunity to make a few observations about the life we lead as Jesuits and to connect that with these men who have led extraordinary lives.

First, we are all men who are rooted in prayer and in the Spiritual Exercises. All of us have had that deep experience of God in our lives, in which we believe that God has dealt directly with us (and who subsequently continues to deal directly with us), has allowed us to experience His love and grace in a profoundly intimate way, who has called each of us by name, and who beckons us all to follow Him. The Exercises, passed down to us by our founder, provided us the means by which we were invited to open ourselves completely to God's work in us, to experience the Lord in a way which we have never before experienced.

In having this profound experience of God--as many of our novice brethren are having at this time--we are asked to consider our response to God. How can we but say Yes! to what God is doing in our lives? How can we but proclaim our Magnificat and to live out that Magnificat as best we can?

I think what the Church recognizes in the lives of these Jesuit brothers of ours is the recognition of how they responded with a resounding Yes! by the way in which they subsequently lived their lives. They went out into the world with hearts on fire, inflamed with a love that strove, as much as humanly possible, to imitate Christ, our rock and our foundation. They lived their lives in such a way that they could not imagine doing otherwise.

Even, as we well know, to the point of death.

They recognized that God had given so much to the world--how could they not but offer themselves in the same way. When we hear the words of today's gospel "whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life will preserve it," those words are not meant for us to lament the state of our existence or to fall into deep despair. Rather, I think it is a matter of attachment. For what reason are we to act in this world? If we act out of selfishness, greed, pride, etc., then Christ states simply that we cannot be His disciples. Our lives are not simply for our own glory--they are for the glory of God, the one who seeks to bring the world into radical life. To be a disciple of Christ is not to lead a self-serving life, and our Jesuit brethren had an acute sense of that.

In order to live out our Yes! daily, it is so important for us, then, to be grounded in our prayer, to stay connected to Christ in the way that inflamed us in the Exercises. If we get out of the daily practice of allowing Him to take root in our hearts, then we begin to wither--our passion for this life begins to dry. Rooted in our prayer, we allow God daily to continue to pour life into our vocation.

Second, I am sure there were many Jesuits who were contemporaries of these Holy men and who did not immediately recognize their brethren to be Saints. Who can blame them? It sometimes takes centuries for the Church to canonize a Saint. As I look around this room, however, I cannot help but think that I am living with men who potentially have the ability to do great and amazing things with their lives. Who knows...in a century or two, there might be one among us whom the Church will recognize as a Saint.

I mention this as an invitation for us to see in our fellow brothers what we have the potential to become in our lives, to invite us to see each other in the way that God sees us. That we may encourage each other in our vocations and recognize that we may not immediately see the possibilities in each of our brothers.

Finally, we are called to trust in the work of God. Our lives are quite shrouded in mystery by virtue of our vowed life. We do not know where we may be sent or which peoples we may encounter. Certainly, for those Blessed and Saints sent off into unknown lands, I imagine how important and necessary it was for them to have faith and trust in where God was leading them. If we cannot trust, then we close ourselves off to the working of the Holy Spirit. Possibilities become fears, and fears turn into despair. When we cannot trust, we become blocked in our ability to follow completely where God is leading us. But, as the saying goes: "With God, all things are possible." If we trust, what wonders God can do in our lives.

We are so lucky to have these Jesuit Saints and Blessed who paved the road for us and who teach us how to be friends in the Lord. Let us call upon their intercession at this time. And, as we soon approach the table of our Lord, let us pray the words all of us are familiar with

"Take Lord, receive, all my liberty, my memory, my understanding, and my entire will. Whatsoever I have or hold, you have given me. I give it all back to you and surrender it, wholly to be governed by your will. Give me only your love and your race, and I am rich enough. And I ask for nothing more."

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

A Favorite Biblical Passage

2009-10-20T19:21:00.000-07:00

While I was sitting in my History of Christianity class today, the professor posed an aside question: "if you found yourself in the South (my professor is a Southerner) and were asked what your favorite bible passage was, how would you respond?"

No passage immediately sprang to mind, which I found curious. Certainly, as someone in religious life, one would of course have a favorite biblical passage! Now, I haven't spent the last few hours trying to figure out my favorite biblical passage. On the contrary, after my initial surprise of the lack of an immediate passage, I gave it no subsequent thought. The passage came to mind, surprisingly, while preparing for my Kierkegaard class tomorrow--well, maybe not so surprisingly since his philosophical writings are overtly religious. But, I didn't go out of my way to find this passage that came to mind. A grace, one might say.

Anyway, I am probably writing this blog post because I haven't finished my homework yet and am looking for an excuse not to finish it. But, once I had thought about it, I believed it worthy of the time spent.

From Philippians 2:5-11

Have among yourselves the same attitude that is also ours in Christ Jesus,
Who, though he was in the form of God, did not regard equality with God
something to be grasped.
Rather, he emptied himself,
taking the form of a slave,
coming in human likeness;
and found human in appearance,
he humbled himself,
becoming obedient to death,
even death on a cross.
Because of this, God greatly exalted him
and bestowed on him the name
that is above every name,
that at the name of Jesus
every knee should bend,
of those in heaven and on earth and under
the earth,
and every tongue confess that
Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father.

In theology circles, this passage describes kenosis, that act in which Christ emptied himself by coming into likeness with human beings--God, because of his love, chose to become like us so that we would know Him more fully and be redeemed through his self-emptying. God sleeping in a manger, God riding a donkey, God humiliated and put to death. In so doing, entering into his greatest glory.

This passage was an important passage for me during my 8-day retreat prior to taking vows. I read this in the context of the vow of obedience, contemplating that obedience which Christ had even up til death, an obedience rooted in a love for the world. Why else would Christ do this? At that time, I understood my vows as a call from God as a way of loving the world. Our vows are not ends in themselves, but means by which our way of life strives to manifest Christ's love. They are not meant, ultimately, to be places of burden, but ultimately places of life not only for the Jesuit but especially for the people which we serve.

I have also loved the paradox of how Christ came into our world, described beautifully in this passage. "But, That is not how God is supposed to act!" Yet, God did something so magnificent in the most improbable, most incomprehensible way. Why else would God do it in this way if not for his great love?

When we strive to imitate Christ, we do well to recognize the great humility in which He came into our world. Christ came to serve, not to be served. Through his revealed self, he gave us the means to understand more fully what it means to be human, to become more fully who we are meant to be.

And, for that, our response in praise and glory would only be the natural response.

Joy and Consolation

2009-10-05T17:36:00.000-07:00

While I was praying before Mass today, I found myself suddenly overcome with a deep sense of peace and joy. There was no particular cause to the incident. I had spent most of the day with a headache trying to sort through the myriad of Spinoza's philosophical proofs and propositions, and I came home from class frustrated by the onerous philosophical study. This joy I therefore experienced came as quite the surprise to me. Ignatius has a term for this spiritual movement: "consolation without preceding cause" (from the Discernment of Spirits for Week II of the Spiritual Exercises). Jesuits believe this to be the work of God within us. It is a grace. It is gift.

I cherish these moments in my Jesuit vocation. As I began to experience this joy, I could not help but respond with a sense of awe and thanksgiving. God was doing something within me that I had not necessarily asked for. In these moments, I find myself in a place of surrender. It is the call to let God in, to get out of the way, and to trust in the work that is taking place.

This is one of the ways in which I understand our 'Suscipe' Prayer: "Take Lord, Receive, all my liberty, my memory, my understanding, and my entire will." In offering these faculties over to God, it removes the focus on self and redirects it towards God's action. Paradoxically, in the surrendering of self, we, in a sense, become more liberated, more free. By allowing God to take root and to take hold, to inspire and to animate, we become more fully who we are meant to be.
We become more human.

I feel blessed to be living religious life. Because of my vows and the life I have chosen to live as a Jesuit, my life must necessarily have God as my center if I am to live this life with passion, integrity, and joy. And, I am called everyday to live into this relationship that I have freely chosen to enter. God knows that I often fail at this. But, I try my best. And sometimes, I become surprised by joy.

The Vow Crucifix

2009-09-21T16:05:00.001-07:00

Before novices--at least in my province--take First Vows, a multitude of Jesuits gather together the night before Vows for the Vow Crucifix ceremony. The novices take a few days of silence before Vows to ground themselves in prayer and to prepare themselves for the celebration ahead. They also use this time to pray over a number of vow crucifixes that have been gathered over the years and to choose one that speaks to them. Almost all of the crucifixes that the novices consider are ones that used to be owned by Jesuits who have since entered into a new life. These now-deceased Jesuits probably spent much time in prayer and petition with their crucifixes, and we younger Jesuits are gifted with a crucifix imbued with their many years of prayer.

Since coming back to the Bronx, I have been finding my prayer highly enriched by the use of my Vow Crucifix. It was something I hung on my wall last year but never really used for my prayer. Part of my inspiration comes from the Vow Crucifix ceremony that I attended this past August. During the Vow Ceremony, the novice director reveals to the community the Jesuits who used to own these Vow Crucifixes which the novices now choose. The community, upon hearing the name of each Jesuit, is invited to share stories of each one, to remember the lives of these men who have lived before us. I was struck by the remarkable nature of their lives, of their love and devotion to God and to the people whom they served. These are men I would have wanted to meet but only know through stories.

Fragments of these stories have stuck with me. The Jesuit who, deep in prayer, was asked what he was praying about and replied: "I'm praying for all of those people with whom I will ride the Greyhound bus today." I have thought about that sometimes when I ride the bus or the subway. The Jesuit who, while watching Bill O'Reilley (not because he liked him), remarked seemingly out of nowhere in crude, Oregonian fashion: "If this Jesus is real, he's f****** incredible!" The Jesuit who, after listening intently to the spiritual problems of a Scholastic, mentions: "I think you need a peanut butter and jelly sandwich."

I realized during the Ceremony that I had completely forgotten the name of the Jesuit whose crucifix I had inherited. The only thing I remembered was that I certainly wasn't choosing the crucifix simply by the name of the Jesuit. As I thumbed through our book which has the names and dates of all those Jesuits in our province who had passed away, I finally stumbled upon his name: Ralph Sudmeier. Ralph Sudmeier...

I never knew him, but his crucifix is now a huge blessing in my life. I have held it close to my heart, asking for Christ to instill in me his wisdom and his love, to form me into the person He desires me to be. I have reached for it when I have been worn and weary, asking for strength and perseverance. I have gazed upon it with awe and thanksgiving, thankful for all that I have been given.

Perhaps Ralph did the same.

To my brother Jesuits: may your Vow Crucifix be a way in which you draw closer to Christ, growing ever deeper in imitation of his life. And may you be inspired by the prayers of our men who have held these same crosses before you AMDG

A Jesuit's Room

2009-09-13T17:36:00.000-07:00

As Jesuits, we often find ourselves on the move, traveling from one place to the next. A few years here, a few years there. One of the effects of our lifestyle is that we often move into new rooms. One day you're in, and the next day you're out.

Because we are always dealing with transitions, I have found that one of the ways to make myself feel more at home is making my room more my own. I am far from being, however, an interior decorator. Fortunately, we often live in community, and we usually live with brothers who have an eye for such things. It is only this year, however, that I actually started asking guys to help me with my room.

Of course, as vowed religious, there is only so much we can do to make our rooms look nice. At the same time, however, that doesn't mean that our rooms have to look cheap either. You make do with what you have, and you make it work. I have often been surprised to see what people can do with limited resources.

So, with the help of a few brothers, I have been trying to create a space that feels homey, that feels right for me. I wanted a nice and clean look to the room while still looking simple. I must say that the room is turning out to be my most favorite room so far that I have had as a Jesuit. I like the blend of colors and I like the woody feel. On loan to me is the classic IHS symbol painted on a beautiful board by one of our elder Jesuits in the community (I love that piece, but I have to give it up next year). My sheets had holes in them and my comforter looked like 10 Jesuits before me had used it and never washed it, so I bought a nice new bed set on sale. Then, after moving things around and around, I have finally found a set-up that I am extremely happy with.

There really is something about Feng Shui.

I still want to do a few more things with the room, like add a new plant, and maybe make some minor changes, but I think the major work has now been done. It is a place I can find myself easily working, resting, and praying.

I started taking these photos after making the room noticeably better, but you get a sense of the progression. Primarily, at the end, I moved the bed under the IHS board and moved my bookshelf towards the windows. Initially, I had the bookshelf right behind me, causing a separation between my work space and the rest of my room. I liked it fine, but I think I like this better.

(bookshelf is right under wooden board)

(bookshelf is moved, lamp is moved, everything else shifted to the right a few feet)

A New Year at Ciszek

2009-09-06T10:15:00.000-07:00

Our community this year welcomed 10 new Jesuits into the fold. We are 28 altogether under 1 roof spanning 13 different provinces (my province, for example, consists of Oregon, Washington, Idaho, Montana, and Alaska). 4 comes from outside the United States - 2 from Jamaica, 1 from Indonesia, and 1 from Mozambique. We all have different backgrounds, stories, ideologies, interests, etc. But, what unites us is our faith, our vocation, and our desire to serve and to love in Christ's imitation. We are human beings marked by our failings and weaknesses, but we all believe we have been touched by the grace of God in our lives -- God who calls us into the world as we are, remaking our shortcomings into places of strength and hope.

Except for our two eldest brothers (who are most excellent formators, by the way), all of us have been asked to dedicate a majority of our time here towards our studies in philosophy -- called, in Formation, First Studies. One of our documents on formation describes philosophy as: "one of the principal means by which the Society forms men, who have reflected on the essential questions which challenge man, who have formed the habit of critical and positive reflection on these question and upon the answers given to them formerly or given today, and who have some understanding of the history of ideas and can relate these things to present cultures." As Jesuits, we have the phrase "Finding God in All Things," and at this time of our formation, we are challenged to seek God in our studies. Hopefully, through these studies and through critically engaging the type of questions that philosophy asks, we become better Jesuits formed to see the world in a different way than when we first began First Studies.

I am taking three courses this Fall - Kierkegaard, History of Christianity I, and Classical Modern (studying philosophers somewhat around the time of Descartes and Hume). Practically 2/3 of our community is in that History class, which should make an interesting dynamic in the classroom. I'm actually looking forward to this semester and think it will be good times all around (crosses fingers). As last school year, I sometimes bring what I have been studying into my blog, so don't be surprised if I use my blog to process what I have been learning.

As a side note, I've decided to be a little more judicious with my writing for the time being. That means I would like to write with some sense of regularity, but probably not the 4-5 times a week like I had been doing at one point in time. I'm aiming for once a week, maybe twice. However, I have been known to do "theme weeks," and if I'm feeling it, I'll throw those in every so often. I have had one request by one of my fellow Jesuit brothers which might show up soon.

By the way, if you couldn't tell, I'm the brown one in the middle =p There's also one who had the audacity to be in the picture even though he would be away at England for the year! We talked about the possibility of photoshopping, so you may see a revised picture in the future (see 2nd row, far right in bright yellow). Shame. /end tongue-in-cheek

A little update

2009-09-01T12:57:00.000-07:00

I have thought about my blog quite a bit over this past month. It might seem otherwise, since I have not posted in almost a month. Honestly, I pretty much lost my desire to write. There were a number of times where I would bring up the blog, sit in front of the posting window, write a sentence or two, and then think to myself: "nope, not feeling it." I think this time is different.

To say the least, the past few weeks have been quite eventful for me. Three men in my province took their First Vows this year, and I had the privilege (and the stress) of organizing the music this year. You can see some of the pictures on the province website here--one includes the choir and myself. It's in my nature to be a constant worrier of things, and I definitely did a lot of worrying about the music. Part of it is because I wanted to help make the experience for the men a special one. So, being the perfectionist, I naturally worried about every detail. I wouldn't necessarily recommend my craziness to everyone. As someone who often imagines the worst, it usually is my experience that the "worst" never comes into realization. Of course, it turned out to be an absolutely beautiful ceremony, and it was a touching experience to witness my brothers publicly profess their love and faith before their family--their blood family but also their Jesuit family--and before God. I think what particularly touched me this year was the moment when the provincial professed his fraternal love and support for the men--his own vow to them.

I returned to the Bronx about two weeks ago to meet the new men here at Ciszek. Based on my initial impressions, I am very excited about our community this year. When I played for our first mass in the house, I was honestly a little giddy because of the new voices I was hearing this year. Truly, any choir director would die to have us =) These are also very good men with good hearts, and so I am very much looking forward to this new year here at Ciszek. A picture of the new community is soon to come (I can't access my g-mail currently, which has the pic...grrrr)

Well, there are other things I would like to write about, but I think I will save them for future posts, or I will be late to mass. During this new school year, your prayers for our community are very much welcomed and appreciated!

Reflecting on Spokane

2009-08-09T12:16:00.000-07:00

Greetings from the Oregon Coast! I am currently on vacation, having spent my last week in Seattle. Currently, I will spend some time at Nestucca before heading to Portland for First Vows.

I thought I would write a short post, processing my time that I spent in Spokane.

People have asked me quite frequently lately how it was working in the infirmary and at Bea House. Typically, I have told them: "well...it wasn't the most exciting and glamorous work that I have experienced in my life, but I am glad that I did it." I feel that I was certainly blessed to be able to spend my summer with the older men in our province. For us younger guys in formation, we have pretty little contact with the men there. Yet, there is a lifetime of experience and wisdom that these men have had in their Jesuit life, and we can learn quite a bit by being in their presence.

I very much enjoyed the walks that I was able to have with one particular Jesuit. Whenever I would make a comment about nature around us, he would often exclaim: "Wow, it's so beautiful!" or "Isn't that marvelous?" or "How magnificent!" He saw great beauty in the world around him, and he wasn't afraid to exclaim his amazement. He is someone I very much admired, and I hope I can see the world like him as I grow older.

I very much enjoyed taking a number of Jesuits on their appointments. Car rides and time in the waiting room were often fertile ground for good discussion, from recent movies we have watched to living life as a Jesuit. Of course, they had many stories to share, and I very much loved to hear about their life. They have lived full lives as Jesuits and experienced all the bumps and bruises involved with that journey. Yet, I believe that they all experienced God's love and grace throughout that time, so I was grateful to learn through the example of their lives.

I also enjoyed witnessing the way that these Jesuits interact with one another as well. Some of them have known each other from 50+ years. Like any family, being around your brothers for a length of time can be quite grating. Yet, I had a deep sense that they cared for one another deep down. As men, sometimes they are not the most open about their feelings. But, I could sense the affection they have for each other. It is their faith that brings all of them together.

Our lay companions who help to take care of our brethren are wonderful people who truly and deeply care about our men. They are probably not the most paid health-care staff, and they could probably find better income somewhere else. But, they really do love our men, and I think we are extremely fortunate to have a health staff who greatly improves the quality of life for them. I think they do acknowledge the unique opportunity to take care of these Jesuits, for it is quite a rare experience to be able to serve them--it is quite unlike anywhere else. They were also extremely warm to me, and I appreciated their welcome.

And, I feel like this experience put my own vocation into perspective. I will not stay young forever, but that does not mean that I have to grow old quickly either. My life is a gift, and I am called to cherish the moments I have as they come, for they will not always be around. I am given so much, and I am impelled to live a life of gratitude, for what we take for granted may some day be taken away from us. Live in the present moment, for in the present is God most present to us.

Although my time in Spokane was not initially what I had planned for my summer, I am most grateful that I had the opportunity. I give thanks for my brothers and lay companions in Spokane and offer them a warm prayer for all they have given me.

Feast of St. Ignatius

2009-07-31T13:31:00.000-07:00

A very happy and blessed Feast of St. Ignatius to all of you, especially to my Jesuit brethren out there. May the spirit of Ignatius continue to confirm you in your vocation, to inspire you in your life and your work, and to walk with you in finding God in all things.

Probably every Jesuit blogger and his mom will write something, if they haven't already, about today's feast day, so I might as well join in on the fun!

In his homily today, Fr. Pat Lee, the provincial of the Oregon Province and one of the Jesuits I have most come to admire, referred to Ignatius as a pilgrim, as a friend, and as a mystic. Ignatius often referred to himself as the pilgrim--he saw his life as an ever-present journey in search of God, God who gave him a heart of fire, God who gave him ultimate meaning in his life. Every moment, every breath was an encounter with Divine Mystery. He had tremendous faith that God was always present--it was just a matter of having the right way of looking, of disposing himself to always place himself within God's embrace. This pilgrimage, in a sense, was an essential part of Ignatius' mysticism. Ignatius' monastery was the world, and he sought to find God every step that he took. Jesuits are to thrust themselves into the heart of society, to carry Christ deep within their hearts wherever they go, especially in those places of great hurt and despair. Especially there, we have the ability to bring hope to the world.

Ignatius grew in great friendship with his Jesuit brothers, but arguably one of his closest, and earliest, companions on this pilgrimage was St. Francis Xavier. If you read some of the letters that Ignatius writes to Xavier while Xavier is away on mission, you can sense a deep fraternal love that they have for one another. As friends in the Lord, they were able to be very open and honest with each other, to share about how God was moving in their lives, probably to also express their regrets, concerns, or struggles that they were facing throughout the day. In the example of Ignatius, I think all Jesuits are called to develop these deep, personal relationships with one another. Not necessarily that we need to do this with every single person we meet, but, particularly as celibate men, we need good, healthy relationships where we can share in the same way that Ignatius and Francis shared with one another.

Finally, we are not called Ignatians, but Jesuits. Of course, throughout history, that term has received a lot of criticism and has been quite the pejorative, but Ignatius wanted it this way because he felt it so important that Jesuits place their focus on Christ, not on himself. Our Jesuit way of proceeding, our formation throughout all of our lives, is to create ourselves more and more into His image, to love the world as He did, with meekness, gentleness, and humility.

Well, many Jesuits from around the province will be heading out to Hayden Lake to spend St. Ignatius day together, and I will be heading out there shortly as well. Again, a very blessed St. Ignatius day to you all. May our founder continue to strengthen us on our journey, to direct us into greater imitation and service for our world. AMDG

With A Mustard Seed

2009-07-27T18:22:00.000-07:00

I was struck today when I was listening to the Gospel today by the recurring theme of God doing great things with what initially looks small and insignificant. I thought I would just excerpt a little bit from today's gospel and share it with you today. May the mustard seeds in your own life grow strong and bear you great fruit, bringing you a taste of heaven.

Jesus proposed a parable to the crowds.
“The Kingdom of heaven is like a mustard seed
that a person took and sowed in a field.
It is the smallest of all the seeds,
yet when full-grown it is the largest of plants.
It becomes a large bush,
and the birds of the sky come and dwell in its branches."

John 6:1-15

2009-07-26T15:40:00.000-07:00

Today's gospel reading comes from John 6:1-15 where we hear the famous passage in which Jesus miraculously feeds the mouths of 5000.

As I was praying over today's readings, I could not help but contemplate about the boy with the five loaves and two fish. I imagine the reaction of the apostles looking out at this vast crowd, thinking to themselves how impossible it would be to feed them. The boy does not think in this way, however. What matters to the child is that he wants to be of help to Jesus. He doesn't have much, but he offers what he has.

In this small, giving gesture, Christ is able to do great things.

I think sometimes we get discouraged in perceiving how we are able to serve the community and the world. As adults, we look out over the world and become overwhelmed at how much work needs to be done. Like the apostles, we see impossibility. In the hearts of children, however, there is an innocent and generous spirit that doesn't see the impossibility--they just merely want to help out. Of course, not all children are like this, but you may have met a number like the ones I am describing.

We may think the things we do to be small potatoes. God, however, can do a lot with small potatoes.

At the Mount

2009-07-22T20:49:00.000-07:00

Many moons ago, the Jesuits here in the Oregon Province used to do their philosophy at what is commonly called “The Mount,” or Mt. St. Michaels. A number of our older men had lived there and certainly have their fair share of stories of the place (and some are quite content never to go back). Although we sold the land some time ago, we still own the cemetery there. Fr. John, whom I recently wrote about a couple of weeks ago, was the latest one to be buried at the Mount.

Two Scholastics, two of our older Jesuits (one of them is the oldest Jesuit in our province at 97 yrs. old and going strong), and I took a little afternoon trip out there. For the younger generation, it was a trip back to our historical roots. For the older, it was a trip down memory lane. The site is actually a historic landmark in Spokane, and the picture comes from this website.

The Oregon Province seems to have historically sold off our land to interesting groups of people. Our former novitiate in Sheridan, OR is currently owned by the Scientologists. The Mount is currently owned by a group of nuns and priests who have separated themselves from the rest of the Roman Catholic world. Or, as they see it, they have retained the true Catholic faith that became heretical after Vatican II (in my opinion, they don’t consider Church history dating past the 19th century, but one could probably write books about this schism. As such, I won't elaborate). As a result, they do not recognize any popes from Vatican II onward. A few years ago, a number of those nuns decided to leave the Mount and rejoin the post-Vatican II Church. Fr. Bob Spitzer, the outgoing president of Gonzaga University, played an instrumental role in their return.

Despite this schism, many Jesuits still find themselves welcome to take a tour of the place. We had a very pleasant tour by one of the staff members there, and the people there were very kind and hospitable to us. They also give a pretty good history of the mount on their website here.

I would wager that many Catholics in my generation have no clue what Vatican II is and don't realize that the current form of Mass celebrated all over the world has only been around for about 40-50 yrs. Or the controversies surrounding it. When you consider how long we've been doing this, it hasn't been that long.

As one of the Scholastics shared with me, part of what Vatican II tried to accomplish was to recapture the spirit of the early church (this is why religious orders were asked to consider their original charism, to go back to the spirit of their roots, and why the Jesuit order went through a major shift during this time). The response of the people at the Mount, then, is a little ironic to me.

My Jesuit Life in Pictures: First Studies

2009-07-19T20:56:00.000-07:00

Jesuits have a lengthy formation process in which the road to ordination takes approximately 11 years, although sometimes it depends on a Jesuit's situation. The steps to ordination are: the novitiate (2 yrs), first studies(2-3 yrs), regency (a time a full-time work, usually at a high school; 2-3 yrs), and theology (3-4 yrs). As I just finished my first year of studies, you can see that I have quite a long ways to go. But, for me, the journey is just as important as the destination--the time is meant to form us into becoming our best selves for the Church and for our world. I'm young, so I still need a lot of forming =) You don't even know

Well, most have the pictures I took this year in New York are touristy pictures that I think I have shared in the past. But, I have a picture of the scholastic community: Ciszek. Ciszek is where I started blogging, so I thought I'd throw in a blogging picture of me holding a book on Augustine. Also, one of my favorite places to go in the Bronx is the Botanical gardens, so I threw in some photos that I took while there. As you might tell, I love nature shots.

I hope you've enjoyed the pictures this week. It was fun for me!

My Jesuit Life in Pictures: First Vows

2009-07-16T21:21:00.003-07:00

After two years in the novitiate, novices take first vows where we become more fully incorporated into the Jesuit Order. Typically, this takes place around the Feast of the Assumption--approximately a month from now. This was a very joyous time for me, and I'm sure it will be so for many of the upcoming novices taking vows around the country.

My Jesuit Life in Pictures: Colombia

2009-07-15T21:06:00.000-07:00

The Oregon Province has a twinning relationship with the country of Colombia. Many novices/scholastics traveled there last year to study Spanish and to be immersed in a different culture and environment. Currently, there are 3 Colombian Jesuits here in Spokane studying English. We recently went to watch the movie Transformers, which they, understandably, felt was pretty incomprehensible.

We were in Colombia when the rescue of Ingrid Betancourt took place. Here, the Colombians took to the streets against FARC, one of the primary groups responsible for kidnappings.

(There's an old Jesuit community here right next to presidential palace. We had a good view)

(Bogota in the background)

My Jesuit Life in Pictures: The Experiments

2009-07-14T21:17:00.000-07:00

In the novitiate, novices are sent out on a number of experiments. These photos were taken in: Pendleton, OR, where I helped out at the mission church there; in Tacoma, WA, where I had my L'Arche experience; and Spokane, WA, where I helped the choir director.

(I took a picture while at the pulpit!)

My Jesuit Life in Pictures: The Novitiate

2009-07-13T21:00:00.001-07:00

Here are some pictures of the novitiate and surrounding area in Portland. The curia is right next door, and they say if you want the latest gossip in the province, you go to the novitiate =p

My Jesuit Life in Pictures

2009-07-12T21:27:00.000-07:00

Over the course of this week, I'd like to share with you some photos that captures different aspects of my Jesuit life thus far. They say a picture is worth a thousand words, so I won't elaborate too much--only to offer a caption or two.

I took these photos recently at our villa in Hayden Lake, ID. Here, the beauty of nature spurs many a retreatant's dialogue with God. The 3rd photo is a mother bird and her two chicks, nestled at one of the corner windows, that I often looked at and pondered during my last 8-day retreat a little over a month ago.

Wrestling with God

2009-07-07T21:01:00.000-07:00

Today's 1st reading from Genesis 33:23-33 has been a source of great spiritual fruit for me whenever I have come across it in my Jesuit life. It speaks to me, as there is something very human about the way Jacob wrestles with God. It is a common experience for us to struggle with God. Yet, it is in that wrestling that Jacob becomes transformed, symbolized by his name being changed to Israel.

"Because I have seen God face to face, yet my life has been spared." (According to the footnotes in my bible, it was an ancient notion that a person died upon seeing God).

The first painting that I found online comes from the artist Gustave Dore. What strikes me about this painting is the lack of effort that the angel seems to be exerting as opposed to Jacob. Jacob here seems intent on his struggle until he receives the blessing he so desires. I do not get a sense from the bible passage that Jacob seeks to overthrow God. He knows that God's power is greater than his own. Despite grave injury, however, Jacob perseveres with God--not to win, but rather to seek God's favor and grace. And, ultimately, God provides that which Jacob seeks, and he becomes a new man.

There's much about prayer life to be learned here.

The second painting is from Rembrandt, and he is depicting the point in which the angel strikes him at the hip. Jacob, however, does not seem to be in pain, nor does there seem to be any malice on the part of the angel. It seems to me that it's rather like what a doctor must do for her/his patient--sometimes, there must be short term pain in order for long term healing. Also, although Rembrandt seems to be painting the strike at the hip, the image looks completely different if you were not aware of the biblical passage. The angel, seen in another way, offers support and an embrace to an exhausted Jacob weary after the struggle.

What do you see? How do you relate to the struggle of Jacob?

On Freedom

2009-07-06T12:43:00.000-07:00

Probably one of the more helpful things about being a philosophy student is that I can look at the image above and ask myself: what does that really mean? Is that a lived reality in the US? You might find those questions silly--I don't. We throw around these terms a lot, especially in the political realm, but I do not think there is one shared understanding of what they truly mean--or even how we go about achieving these goals.

The US was founded on these principles, and it is our duty as US citizens to at least give these principles some critical thought--and I don't mean that in the negative sense.

What does it mean to be free? Is freedom merely the choice of choosing one brand of cereal among five? Even then, you don't have complete choice in the matter, since it's the companies that set the choices before you. Is freedom the ability to say whatever you want? Clearly, we can't just say anything.

Now, I'm not providing answers, but it's important to see that these principles that the country fights for are highly complex with a lot of nuance.

Personally, one of the helpful ways that I have come to see and experience freedom comes from my Jesuit training. One of the most important questions that is asked of us to consider is to reflect on those places in our lives in which we are most unfree. Many of us enter the novitiate with a lot of personal baggage, and we are asked to sort through that. Some of what we carry with us in our hearts is very life-giving, and it is important to be grateful for those memories. Other baggage, however, has shaped us into who we are today--and not necessarily in the best way possible. That may be memories of physical abuse, addiction, abandonment, etc. These moments of great hurt, through God's grace, can be moments of joyous light and reconciliation, but too often they continue to weigh us down in anger and despair. If we are not able to deal with the baggage in a healthy way, it can consume us for the rest of our lives. In a sense, we become people of unfreedom.

St. Ignatius knew this, and the Spiritual Exercises was one of his ways of forming people to lead more free lives. It's about having rightly-ordered desires that give life, not bring death. We are asked to have faith that God can heal us of these infirmities, that God can lead us into fuller and richer lives. If we grant permission, God will carry our burdens in the same way that Christ carried the cross. But, if we cling on tight, we will never be able to let go.

God wants us to be free people. Let us rejoice in that, and let us allow God to lead us into such a life.

Learning from the Pros

2009-07-02T20:00:00.000-07:00

I was watching the tennis match between Serena Williams and Elena Dementieva today and could not help but be in awe at the high level of play between these two highly talented athletes. Although it was a semi-final match, it seemed like a championship game in which both players were a point away from winning. The game ended at 6-7, 7-5, and 8-6. Contrast that to the other semi-final game, in which the other Williams sister, Venus, whooped the top-seeded player, Dinara Safina, 6-1, 6-0.

I used to watch tennis growing up in which the top stars in the game were Andre Agassi, Pete Sampras, Steffi Graf, and Monica Seles. I found great joy in listening to the grunts of the women and found a number of occasions to mimic, or maybe to mock, their sound. Seles was special--she had a double grunt. Although I lost interest in pro tennis later on, part of that has been rekindled during my year at Ciszek hall--a number of the guys watched tennis, and I found myself again enjoying the matches. Here I am during the beginning of my first year at Ciszek at the US Open.

When you watch two highly talented individuals play tennis at the top of their game, it's like watching poetry in motion. There are just moments during the game when your jaw cannot help but drop--all you can say is "wow..." You are glued at those times when the crowd gasps in nervous anticipation as the players continue to scramble for the ball while hitting out-of-this-world shots. These players are passionate individuals who have worked extremely hard to get to where they are today, and the fruits of their labor often result in great beauty.

In many ways, I find great inspiration in watching a well-played sports game. You can tell that a number of these players excel for a sheer love of what they do and a will to be at the top of their game.

I think God wants all of us to always be on our A-game, to give it 110%. Our A-game, however, is not meant for our own self-glorification. True pros not only make themselves better but inspire those around them to be better as well. And, they often acknowledge and offer gratitude to the people in their lives who have helped them and shaped them into the individuals they are today--without them, they would be nothing.

When Fr. Kolvenbach says: "We should recall that mediocrity has no place in Ignatius' world view", I think that is meant as an exhortation to be people on fire, to live with passion, to excel in our lives in things both great and small. That doesn't mean that all of us need to get 4.0's or get the MVP award. But, it does require sweat, and it most certainly involves a special kind of love.

A Prayer of St. Theresa of Lisieux

2009-06-30T11:22:00.001-07:00

When I took one of the Jesuits to his doctor's appointment today, I encountered a prayer of St. Teresa of Lisieux on the wall of the waiting room that I really liked.

May today there be peace within.
May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that
has been given to you....
May you be content knowing you are a child of God....
Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.
It is there for each and every one of us.

Rest in Peace, Fr. John

2009-06-26T08:12:00.000-07:00

He departed for a new life at 2:35 AM this morning.

I thought I would upload this pic of him--it captures so much more than I could describe of him.

At the Bedside of Fr. John

2009-06-25T20:57:00.000-07:00

My first conversation with Fr. John Schwarz was a few weeks ago when I began my work at the Jesuit infirmary. The weather was warm, and he wanted to go outside. We talked about all sorts of things: the current Wimbledon tournament, his time as a history professor at Seattle University, where I was from and how I entered the Jesuits, etc. Fr. John was easy to talk to and had a great sense of humor. I could just feel the warmness of his heart and the generosity of his spirit. At that time, I never would have suspected that he would soon be drawing near towards death.

About a week ago, Fr. John was taken to the emergency room, and I ended up spending a few hours with him there, relieving my other Jesuit brother who was intially with him, Cormac. When I had arrived, he seemed to be doing alright and was in relatively good spirits, considering the circumstances. We shared a few laughs, talked some time about spiritual matters, etc. It was late at night, so I would sometimes just watch him fall asleep and notice the rhythm to his breathing and the jagged mountains they made on the computer screen nearby. I took him back to the infirmary later that night, assuming he would get better.

That has not be the case, however. I noticed throughout this week a stark decline in his health and his ability to converse and could not help but juxtapose that past image of Fr. John outside on that warm day to the present image of him before me.

Today, when I visited him, I broke out into tears a few minutes after I had entered his room. I saw him and thought: "oh my God, he's dying..." I did not expect, nor was I prepared, to see him in his fragile state and to witness the people who were at his side, comforting him and praying over him. It hadn't entered my mind that today may be the last day I see him alive. My other Jesuit brother, Jason, and I sat at his side, as a result, for much of today--Jason moreso than me. He had brought in his laptop to offer some comforting music to listen to.

It is an experience to sit with someone for much of the day as they labor to breathe. I couldn't help but wonder what was going on in his mind. Was he afraid? Was he peaceful? What was it like to have scores of people come to your side, offering their words and comfort in their own way? There's a part of me that wondered if he just wanted to hear a good joke.

In many ways, my time with him today was a real gift to me. The staff who care for him are superb, and I have been able to witness the hard work that they put in day in and day out for him. I could see the real love and concern they have for Fr. John, and their openness to delve into the dirtiness of assisted living. I was able to see the number of Jesuits who came to visit him today, to offer him a blessing, to pray words of comfort, to hold his hand and tell him he was loved. In the midst of death, great beauty can spring forth.

Thankfully, Fr. John's family was able to fly up to see him, and they are currently with him, giving me time to decompress from the day, to rest, and to reflect back. I'm not sure if Fr. John will be alive the next time I see him, but please keep him and all of those close to death in your prayers.

May God's light perpetually shine upon him. Amen

Christ Amidst the Storms

2009-06-23T21:44:00.000-07:00

This past Sunday, the Oregon Scholastics here in Spokane had a day of recollection--a time to pray, to share our faith, to discern our inner movements over the past year or so. Fr. Peter Byrne, a spiritual guru in our province, led our prayer and grounded it in that Sunday's Gospel reading--the Apostles and Jesus in a boat amidst the storms.

From Mark 4:35-41 (taken from the New American Bible Translation)

On that day, as evening drew on, he said to them, "let us cross the other side." Leaving the crowd, they took him with them in the boat just as he was. And other boats were with him. A violent squall came up and waves were breaking over the boat, so that it was already filling up. Jesus was in the stern, asleep on a cushion. They woke him and said to him, "Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?" He woke up, rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, "Quiet! Be still!" The wind ceased and there was great calm. Then he asked them, "Why are you terrified? Do you not yet have faith?" They were filled with great awe and said to one another: "Who then is this whom even wind and sea obey.?"

One of the great gems of St. Ignatius found in the Spiritual Exercises is his belief that all people can have direct contact with God, and one of the ways that he has the exercitant experience this grace is through our power of imagination. He asks the one praying the exercises to imagine herself/himself at the scene, to experience the storm, to colloquy with Christ at this time. And, since we all have our own history, our own experiences, the way we may imagine and experience this storm will probably differ from one another.

I imagine that many people would probably experience a lot of anger and resentment towards God for putting them through stormy situations. I experience it a little differently. I have certainly navigated my fair share of stormy weather during my life journey, but when I look back, I never feel that I was ever alone in the boat. I believe that Christ was always there to lend a hand, to offer words of comfort, to lead certain people into my life, sometimes even to throw me a lifeline when I needed it--even if I didn't recognize His presence at the time. It's not a "I'll believe it when I see it" moment, it's a "I'll see it when I believe it" experience that I cannot describe any other way. The light of Christ pierces even the deepest darkness, calms our raging winds.

At the end of the storm, sometimes you'll encounter a rainbow if you look in the right spot.

In terms of the Oregon Province, one of the ways in which we situate our experience of bankruptcy is through this gospel passage. It's a stormy time for us collectively, but I have personally witnessed a strength of faith and hope in the Jesuits here. We believe Christ is always with us and will lead us through this uncertain future of ours, whatever that may look like. Our material goods may get taken, but we have greater treasure that can never be taken away. And, it is these gifts that we have faith will sustain us. AMDG

A Sunday Stream of Thought

2009-06-21T11:38:00.000-07:00

If you are like me, your mind jumps a lot--a thought leads to another thought. Something I see or read jogs a memory, which in turn reminds me of something else. It's become something of an art form in the literary world.

I was reading the newspaper this morning about the Iranian conflict. Really, I don't know what to think or how to think about the whole matter. Part of me is heartened to see a people who seek change through peaceful protest. Part of me wonders, however, if the elections really were authentic. Can we ever really know in a democratic election whether every single vote was counted correctly? But, what do I know? Seriously. All I can tell is that people are angry and people want to see something different, and some are dying as a result of letting their voices be heard. What can I do, thousands of miles away from that different world tucked away in a tiny pocket of the US, but pray...pray for peace, to ask God to bring about in our hearts seeds of love and compassion towards all of our brothers and sisters? For an end to violence, for an increase in wisdom--that good may come from all of this.

I am just one man, concerned about his neighbors on the other side of the world.

As I continued reading, I came across an article about gang violence on Long Island. An innocent 15-year-old stabbed to death, for no other reason than that he may have been thought to be a member of a rival gang. A family shattered, a best friend wondering why. He was 8 years younger than me.

Even within the same country, the same city, so many of us are worlds apart.

That thought reminded me of my visit back home during Christmas. I went with my family to visit my Auntie's grave. The cemetery was strikingly radiant and festive during at that time, with nativity sets, bright flowers, candy cane decorations, strewn across the entire place. A can of Budweiser sat at the head of one the graves. I was reminded of this time because I was struck by the birth dates of some of these tomes--they were born around the same time as me. Most of them had Latino last names, and I could only help but wonder...

The article later talked about the importance of education, which somehow reminded me of the holiday that we celebrate today. My parents worked extremely hard for my siblings growing up, wanting the best for their children and striving to put all 5 of us through Catholic education. When I was younger, I carried the real burden of success, and I honestly hated them for placing it upon me. As I've grown older, however, I recognize and see the great, although imperfect, love that my parents had for us, of working their tails off so that we could have a better future. And, indeed, all of us are doing quite well and flourishing, and I know that would not have been possible without their sacrifice. So, I am very grateful for my parents, and I thought I would recognize them both since I didn't write anything for Mother's Day.

Well, that's most of what has been percolating in my mind this morning. A pretty normal day.

Feast of the Sacred Heart of Jesus

2009-06-19T20:41:00.000-07:00

Today is one of my most favorite feast days in Catholic worship--the Feast of the Sacred Heart of Jesus.

In the novitiate, one of my novice brothers shared a deep prayer experience he had of the Sacred Heart of Jesus. He recalled during one of his prayer moments that he had such an intimate experience of Christ that it was as if he could feel Christ's heart beat against his. At one point, it was as if their hearts were in sync--his heart joined in union with that of Jesus.

To this day, I continue to be moved by that faith sharing, and it has influenced my prayer on a number of different occasions. Indeed, I have made my own brother's prayer experience my own prayer, and the rewards I have reaped from such prayer have been very great for me. It is that warmness and intimacy of Christ that I so identify with, that connection that I believe He desires of all of us.

At Ciszek Hall, my first homily in the community was about the Sacred Heart, not because it was the feast day, but because we were celebrating St. Margaret Mary Alacoque (who shares a feast day with St. Hedwig), remembered for her strong devotion to the Sacred Heart. She actually had a Jesuit confessor, St. Claude de la Colombiere. One of the Jesuits from Bea house that presided today shared about her life--people thought she was delusional during that time, but it was Colombiere who was one of the first to affirm her prayer experiences. St. Margaret Mary is one whom we can find great inspiration in truly understanding this feast day.

May today's feast day bring you closer to that warmth and love which Christ offers to all of us.

Peering into My Future through My Elder Jesuit Brothers

2009-06-18T13:37:00.000-07:00

Over the past two weeks, I have been spending a bit of time with the Jesuits in our infirmary here in Spokane, WA. Most have more than triple my own life experience. All of them, having ministered to others for so much of their Jesuit life, now rely on the help of others to fulfill their own basic needs.

One day, if I make it to that point, I too will need others' hands to be my own, to do the things I will not be able to do myself.

It is a humbling experience to be in the presence of these men. As people who greatly value our own independence, our encounter with those who have lost these facilities gives us pause to reflect on our own life, our own humanity, our own mortality.

They, too, were young once.

A few days ago, I accompanied one of the Jesuits to his eye appointment. The doctor had put yellow dye in his eye for whatever reason--I'm not a doctor, hell if I know why. When he came out, I thought it was one of the coolest things I had seen. It was like he had some inherent mutant powers that were just beginning to manifest in his old age. Storm's eyes become cloudy just before lightning strikes--I teased what supernatural occurrence might come our way. Well, later that day, I went out for a walk with him and asked him about the appointment. By that time, however, he had forgotten that he had gone to the eye doctor and asked me multiple times what day it was. He could tell me stories about events 30-40 years ago with amazing clarity, but the recent past becomes all but forgotten. He was a military chaplain who, in his career, received (if I can remember correctly) four purple hearts. I brought him around GU campus--to reflect at the statue of Ignatius at Cardoner, to contemplate the influence of Fr. DeSmet as one of the first people to venture out to the Northwest, to marvel at the simple beauties of nature on campus, finding God in the midst of it all. As we neared the end of our walk, I told him: "well, you can't help now but cherish the present moment. I'll remember it for the both of us--at least to the best of my ability!" It's a young memory, so it'll probably keep better.

All of these men have served in tremendous ways, and I don't think I will ever truly know what their life was like before my first encounter with them--who they have touched, what they have built in their lifetime. Yet, towards the end of their life, the elderly among us all too often become the forgotten. As the young go out to build memories, I think the old yearn to share their own--for those who will listen. But, I think they also enjoy hearing our stories as well--I think sometimes it makes them feel young again to see the life and energy of budding youth.

I've imagined myself if/when I reach old age--it's difficult not to when you become involved in the infirmary. What will sustain me? Where will I find life? I imagine that it is at this time, more than ever, that we find ourselves turning to our faith, relying in God. I can't help but think about Pedro Arrupe and his famous words after experiencing a debilitating stroke--words that continue to be incredibly moving and powerful for me. I will let his words end my post today:

More than ever I find myself in the hands of God.
This is what I have wanted all my life from my youth.

But now there is a difference;
the initiative is entirely with God.

It is indeed a profound spiritual experience
to know and feel myself so totally in God's hands.
-- Pedro Arrupe SJ,

More Book Reviews for Loyola Press

2009-06-15T18:55:00.000-07:00

During my 8 day retreat, I was able to read two other books from Loyola Press of which I would like to offer my own thoughts. The first book is entitled An Ignatian Spirituality Reader: Contemporary Writings on St. Ignatius of Loyola, the Spiritual Exercises, Discernment, and More by George Traub, SJ and A Friendship Like No Other: Experiencing God's Amazing Embrace by William Barry, SJ.

I think both books have some great material in them, and I would give both of them two thumbs up.

Traub's book is actually a collection of essays on the following topics: the life of St. Ignatius, finding God in all things, prayer, the Spiritual Exercises, and Discernment. Here, Traub offers to us well-written essays from a variety of authors on these specific topics. Furthermore, at the end of each section, he offers other recommended readings in case the reader is interested in continuing her/his exploration on a specific topic. The essays that Traub offers us, then, are not meant to be the definitive word on these topics.

Personally, I loved this book. I felt that many of these essays articulate Ignatian Spirituality very well. During my retreat, I definitely felt that my reading of these essays enriched my understanding of it. Also, since Traub offers us more than one essay per topic, I was not getting just one perspective. I appreciated, therefore, the variety of viewpoints on Ignatian Spirituality--viewpoints which, although different, were not contrary to one another. For anyone who is interested in learning about or enriching their understanding of Ignatian Spirituality, I highly recommend this book. It is an excellent resource in so many different ways.

Out of all of the Loyola Press books that I have read, this one is probably the most academic in nature. Yet, it is also very personable at the same time.

There's is actually a companion volume to this reader, entitled A Jesuit Education Reader. I would imagine that this book would be of great interest to teachers and educators in our Jesuit institutions.

Now, on to Barry's book, which I also enjoyed very much. In his introduction, Barry writes: "What I hope you will find in this book is an invitation to engage in a relationship of friendship with God and in a dialogue with me. In the book, I do not provide answers so much as make suggestions and ask you to either try a suggested approach or reflect on your own experience in light of my suggestions. I hope that this will help you become a friend of God; the book will not attain my purpose if all you get out of it are ideas" (xviii). Barry writes in a way that is meant to engage you. Littered throughout his book are probing questions and exercises that he asks you to consider. If the reader does not feel moved to reflect and engage these, the book will likely lose much of its flavor.

Much of the book is meant to explore the question: what does God want in creating us? Barry answers this question with the title of his book. He writes: "My stand is that what God wants is friendship." Because of my experience both as a student in Jesuit institutions as well as being a Jesuit myself, this understanding of God that Barry proposes is very much in line with my own belief in God. In my own prayer, I have experienced God as One who is very personable with me, who loves me deeply, and who desires to grow in relationship withe me (I'm sure Aquinas would have his own views on this matter). Thus, what Barry does is this book is not radically new for me.

Barry, however, seems to write this book more specifically for those who have a difficult time relating to God in this fashion (everyone has a history). Barry is aware of the complexities involved in his view that God wants friendship with us and is not afraid to engage these complexities. I applaud him for his courage to tackle some of these difficult questions, and I think many will be quite moved by some of his responses.

For those who are seeking to have friendship with God, or even for those who think friendship is not possible, I highly recommend this book. Just be prepared to engage it!

Prayer Songs Series - 'Like a Child' and 'My Redeemer Lives'

2009-06-14T10:59:00.000-07:00

I thought I would upload the last of my two videos at once, since I would like to do other things this week. So, today's songs are "Like a Child" (which comes from Psalm 131) and "My Redeemer Lives" (this version is not the traditional one).

I wanted to do more fast and upbeat songs, but it's very difficult for me to play and sing at the same time to begin with, so I can only do simple songs.

Happy Corpus Christi!

Like A Child Rests in its mother's arms, so will I rest in you (x2)

(Vs 1) My God, I am not proud,
I do not look for things to great.

(Vs 2) My God, I trust in you
You care for me, You give me peace.

(Vs. 3) O Israel, trust in God
Now and always, trust in God!

I know that my redeemer lives
the One who calls me home
I long to see God face to face
to see with mine own eyes (to ref)

(Ref) I know that my redeemer lives
that I shall rise again (x2)

I know that I will see one day
the goodness of the Lord
When God will wipe away our tears
and death will be no more (to ref)

The last day I shall rise again
shall be remade like God
My home shall be by God's own side
the dying, rising Lord! (to ref)

Prayer Songs Series - "Salve Regina"

2009-06-12T09:37:00.000-07:00

A Jesuit favorite. I actually first learned this song in my Liturgy Workshop class in high school.

Salve, Regina, mater misericordiae:
Vita, dulcedo, et spes nostra, salve.
Ad te clamamus, exsules, filii Hevae.
Ad te suspiramus, gementes et flentes
in hac lacrimarum valle.
Eia ergo, Advocata nostra,
illos tuos misericordes oculos
ad nos converte.
Et Iesum, benedictum fructum ventris tui,
nobis, post hoc exsilium ostende.
O clemens: O pia: O dulcis
Virgo Maria.

(*eng translation)
Hail, holy Queen, Mother of Mercy!
Our life, our sweetness, and our hope!
To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve,
to thee do we send up our sighs,
mourning and weeping in this valley, of tears.
Turn, then, most gracious advocate,
thine eyes of mercy toward us;
and after this our exile show unto us the
blessed fruit of thy womb Jesus;
O clement, O loving, O sweet virgin Mary

Prayer Songs Series - "Humbly Lord, We Worship You"

2009-06-10T16:08:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I decided to try-out recording a few songs, so I'll be uploading them here over the next few days. I don't consider myself an all-star at piano/singing by any means, but I thought I would share with you nevertheless a way that I enjoy to pray.

Sing along =p Today's song is "Humbly Lord, We Worship You"

Humbly Lord, we worship You
Our Eternal King
You who died to give us life
Hear us as we sing (to ref.)

(Refrain) Jesus, God and Lord of all
Come to us, we pray
Thus united in Your love
May we live this day

Jesus, Lord, we offer you
every act this day.
May we live our love for You
and your will obey (to ref.)

Lord, forgive us all our faults
Others we forgive
May we strive with all our souls
Christian lives to live (to ref.)

May we love You in each soul,
and each soul in You.
One in our eternal goal
One in all we do (to refrain).

Rooftops (A Liberation Broadcast) as a Prayer Moment

2009-06-09T18:56:00.000-07:00

During the end of my 8 day silent retreat, I was listening to the song "Rooftops (A Liberation Broadcast)" by Lostprophets introduced to me by one of my Jesuit brothers at Ciszek (we used it to work out). It became one of my favorite songs to play on Guitar Hero when I was home for Christmas. Anyway, I almost never listen to secular songs for prayer, so it was one of those 'being-led-by-the-spirit' moments. I had also never listened to the words of that song until that time, since I usually pay more attention to the music rather than the lyrics.

As I listened to it, I thought about where I was. Hayden Lake is an immensely beautiful place. Sometimes the lake sparkles, depending on the time of day and the location of the sun. The day is filled with birdsong and the serenity of the countless trees. I was so thankful for what I had been given, of all that God has done for me in my life. In the First Principle and Foundation of the Exercises, Ignatius writes: "Man is created to praise, reverence, and serve God." Being at Hayden Lake and witnessing the immense beauty of creation, it's difficult for me to respond other than in praise and reverence of God's work (as a first year novice, this passage initially gave me scruples). I imagined myself, standing on a roof, looking back over my life and God's work in it, looking out upon the beauty of a sunset, so touched and moved by how much I have been blessed that I could not help but scream a firm and resounding "Yes!!!!"

In the silence of my heart, I filled with awe and thanksgiving to God's mysterious ways.

It was a huge surprise, then, to go on Youtube and watch the music video of this song, which you can watch here (unfortunately, I can't embed the video here, probably for copyright reasons) The way I interpreted the song when I listened to it is in stark contrast to the way the producers of this video interpreted it. Whereas I saw awe and wonder, the producers saw anger and angst.

Well, I like my interpretation better. And, despite what the band may have intended, this is how I experienced the song, and I am grateful for the God-moment that I received.

Here's a Guitar Hero version of the song, though, that I found:

I changed it, again

2009-06-07T22:31:00.003-07:00

Well, the recent title to my blog didn't stay very long.

It seemed like a good idea at the time, but I began to dislike the title more and more. Not that I have anything against being in God's embrace, but I don't feel like it fully captured what I had been doing with my blog and what I want to be doing. And, I wanted the word 'Jesuit' to be in the title, for different reasons.

During my 8 day retreat, one of the title's that I came up with was "In All Things." I was actually quite excited about this new title, because it captured more the spirit of the blog. Unfortunately, it's hard to be original these days, and that title, much to my chagrin, was taken by one of America magazine's blogs.

So, I sat here, wondering how I could rename this blog, and I started reading Gerard Manley Hopkins "As Kingfishers Catch Fire", one of my most favorite poems of his. His poem serves as the inspiration for this new title, since he writes about each thing in nature doing what they are meant to do, and ultimately speaks of Christ's nature.

Really, what I want to do in this blog is to be myself, not someone that I think others think I should be. To be that human being that God means me to be. That, for me, is to live the call that God has given me, and that calling happens to be with the Jesuits.

It's not the catchiest title, and it's not the most creative thing I've ever come up with. But, then again, I could sit here forever and never be satisfied with the titles I come up with, so I think this will do.

Well, I'm hoping this title has more sticking power. I have a better feeling about it, but no promises! It's my blog, and I do what I want to (with God's inspiration, of course!)

30 day retreat e-mail reflection: Week 4

2009-06-05T06:00:00.001-07:00

Week IV

Alright! Almost there! I'm giving myself a self pep talk.

This resurrection week was very interesting for me. It was actually a difficult week for me, because I was really beginning to yearn to come out of silence. I was watching the calendar closely and the time. Just wanting it all to end. Running up the walls, so to speak. Yet, I knew that I needed to spend the time, and when I did, I always felt grateful of having spent it.

Ultimately, this week was a reflection of what the resurrected life means for me. What does it mean to go out into the world with this "new life" given to me during the retreat?

I had a hard time at first with prayer. I was imagining the resurrected scenes, but I was mostly watching them like a movie, with funny moments here and there. I wasn't entering into the scenes as I had in the second week. This was kind of an unintended result of my reflections during the third week, since I felt called just to watch those scenes unfold and not to interact too much with them. What I was doing more was watching without reflecting. Paul pointed it out to me like it was almost a game, seeing what would come to my mind. It was a calling back to reflect with the union of mind and heart, and not with just mind alone.

This matter of the heart was an important insight for me. The belief that God is speaking to me in my heart, and that my heart is where God resides. And to follow my heart after the retreat, to follow my instincts. In my prayer, I strove for it never it to be merely a matter of an intellectual exercise, but to infuse my heart into it. That was where the authenticity was; that was where the true me was. It's good to remind myself of that...I've already forgotten it.

Also, the enormous gift I received from this last week was the gift to be thankful. To give thanks for all that was given to me for me was so important. In the act of giving thanks, it daily reminds me not to take for granted what I have but to cherish them. For Jesuits, it is the challenge to "See God in All Things." Indeed, I have much to be thankful for. And, personally, there's just something liberating and freeing about giving thanks, a feeling I have throughout the day that I miss when I haven't spent those few moments to do so.

Closing of E-mail

What a funny subheading. Or, maybe I just think it's funny...

Well, if you have read through all of this, you are definitely a trooper. I hope in this long reflection that you were able to gleam something from it.

I pray that all of you are doing well as we enter these final weeks of the year. Especially for those in school and are in finals, you are in my thoughts.

While we were in this retreat, it became very apparent to us how many people were praying for us. The Jesuits from outside the community who would say Mass for us would say: "the 3rd graders next door are praying for you", "I was in California and they are praying for you," "Our Brother Columbians are praying for you," "The elder community at Regis is praying for you." In all of it, in all of our differences and beliefs, there is something very powerful in being able to transcend our prejudices and misgivings about one another and to just pray for each other, to hold others up in your thoughts, no matter how much you don't like the other. Indeed, some of the most influential and inspiring leaders have attested to the power of prayer.

So, I am so thankful for all of the support that I have been given.

I'll be sure to write when my next big adventure comes! If you have any questions about anything, just shoot me an email! Also, I'd love to hear how you all are doing.

You are all in my prayers,
Ryan

30 day retreat e-mail reflection: Week 3

2009-06-03T06:00:00.002-07:00

Week III

Hmm, is anyone still reading this??? I wonder...I guess this is me getting all of this out of me after being in silence. Well, I won't have a month of silence to write about again for quite a long time. The next time Jesuits enter into this month of silence after the novitiate is a few years after they are ordained. Maybe 14-15 years from now??? We'll see

Well, I spent an exhaustive two days just witnessing the Passion and Death of Christ using Ignatius' "contemplation of place," and spent one day ritualizing the death using incense. It was...truly graphic. I saw him scourged, beaten, pounded to the cross, and labor in agony until his last breath. God-Man, tortured and killed. The madness of it all. And, to think about where we continue to do this in our society today. The cross, the instrument of death, for us Christians becomes the instrument for our life due to our belief in the resurrection. The belief that Jesus became more powerful than ever because of his humbleness and submission unto death.

I was reading Gary Smith's book Radical Compassion again at this time. Something very powerful reading this again, both because I now recognize the places that he talks about in his book, but also in the context in which I am reading. Just reflecting on the suffering that continues to take place in our world, and, as I see it, it is as if Jesus continues to suffer along with them. His one story about a "leper," a term he used to describe his story with a man with AIDS, caused me to weep for 20 minutes after my one midnight meditation following Week I.

It planted the seeds for a possible experiment I am discerning about, which is serving in an AIDS hospice. We'll see... (this hasn't happened, 3 years since I posted this)

I find Gary's book so inspiring because he doesn't just theorize and make statistics of these marginalized people that he's encountered. He tells their stories because he's been with them. And they are painful. But, it burns me with desire for service for the least of our brothers and sisters among us, to tend to the deep wounds they have experienced. As I have often found in my service, though, they unexpectedly give me so much in return.

(to be continued)

30 day retreat e-mail reflection: Week 2

2009-06-01T06:00:00.000-07:00

Week 2

Man, this e-mail is getting long. A breather maybe? I might as well write a book while I'm at it...

The Life of Christ. This was the longest Week of the retreat, and the most peaceful and joyful one for me. For me, this is where Ignatius' "contemplation of place" really kicks in. The use of the imagination. We are invited by Ignatius to place ourselves in these gospel scenes, from the time the Angel appears to Mary up to the time where Jesus is betrayed. Moreover, it is not just watching a movie. We are invited to bring ourselves into the scene, to authentically interact with it. This is the power of the imagination for Ignatius, and this is why God can "directly deal with his creatures."

So, at every prayer period, I was placing myself at a scene, bringing all of my senses into the imagination, talking with the people involved. Essentially, I experienced the Gospels like this for the rest of the retreat.

Let me tell you that this is utterly exhausting and can be very difficult. Physical exercise is no different, however. I know, since I was experiencing this with all the exercise I was doing this past month. At first, it was so difficult, and I was getting tired of it although I hadn't been doing it very long. But, the more you do it, the more the body adjusts and the easier it comes. The same with prayer and composing myself at these scenes. Ignatius, however, recognized that we can lose heart and not feel like we can do it and give up. For him, this was all the more reason to stay true to the hour of prayer. I definitely had my moments where I just needed to fight internally to keep that hour going. But, in the end, it is worth it.

A few insights I'd like to talk about.

This first one is perhaps theological talk, but, I think for any Christian, I have come to see it as one of the most fundamental beliefs. Jesus as God-Man; or, Jesus as fully divine and fully human.

There's something I think that is lost in the belief if Christians discard the notion that Jesus was both fully divine and fully human, holding one up over the other. For me, there is something utterly profound going on when I think about this story about how God placed Jesus in the womb of an ordinary woman, Mary, (well, not ordinary for Catholics, but at the time) who gave birth in basically a farm surrounded by animals because she was continuously rejected to be brought into any of the inns. How Jesus was placed after birth into a manger. I thought about this word manger, and realized I didn't know what it was. I looked it up in a dictionary: "a bed for the food of the animals." Basically, the birth of Jesus, whom millions of people across the globe have come to believe in, slept in the food of the pigs, as the story goes anyway.

One would think this God-Man would have more higher places he could be.

But, this image of being as the least among us continues for the rest of the gospel stories. He breaks every conceivable taboo that existed in his day.
"Um, why are you talking with that Samaritan woman?"
"How can you sit at the table of a tax collector?"
"He's healing on the Sabbath!!! Heresy!!"
"She's a prostitute for crying out loud!"
"Ahh...look! He walks with those 'unclean' people!"

If Christians believe that Jesus is fully human and fully divine, then how striking it is to reflect on about whom this God-Man associates Himself with. He is a God-Man that uplifts the poor, who shatters the invisible wall of racism, who heals the blind, the stigmatized and much much more. If you can capture the work that Jesus does, you can capture the work that we Jesuits strive to do and where we are called to be. Not to say that we do any of this perfectly, God forbid. And not to say that we only minister to the poor, because we obviously don't. It's difficult to serve the poor if you can't turn the hearts of the rich. But, essentially, the Jesuit Order, an Apostolic Order, seeks to be like Jesus by serving as best we can as Jesus in the world. And, it takes actual discernment about who Jesus actually is before true discernment of service can be done.

It shakes up the system. Jesus shook things up, frankly. This is a difficult call to discern because it makes people angry. Angry enough to plot about his death.

In all of these scenes, I continued to foster my own relationship with Jesus, to grow in love of Him as a child, and to want to follow in his footsteps as a child. A growing desire to do service in the world. That is me, of course, becoming idealistic in my hopes for being able to be of service to others. I think we all need, however, a dose of idealism now and then to burn our hearts anew.

I wanted to end this week about Jesus' entrance into the city where he is crucified. I loved being in this scene just because I was looking at Jesus ride "majestically" on an ass into Jerusalem. Quite the procession of a King.

(to be continued)

30-day retreat e-mail reflection: Week I

2009-05-30T06:00:00.003-07:00

Week I: Meditation on Sin

Now, I would have to hands down say that this week was the most difficult week
for me. This was the week where I had to deal with myself. If any of you are
like me, there's something about this word "sin" that totally turns me off.
Imbedded in this week were meditations on Satan, hell, my sin, and the sin of
Adam and Eve.

My spiritual director, Paul, had an extremely difficult
time when he did the exercises with the Adam and Eve story, and I did too. "You
mean to tell me that because of this one sin, we had to put up with all this
crap??!!!"

I was reading a book during the retreat in which I came
across a passage about this. Forgive its possible offensive language, but it has
a point. It read something like this: "We forgave the Jews for killing Jesus.
Yet we can't forgive Eve for eating an apple??"

Food for thought.

In my prayer, for me, Adam and Eve's sin wasn't the eating of the apple.
It was the hiding, being ashamed of themselves before God, who sees them anyway
because of this knowledge attained. I was relating to them by thinking about how
often I "hide" and feel ashamed in God's presence.

Anyway, I really
really struggled in this week. Here's some inner dialogue that took place within
me during one prayer period, which I'm kind of portraying in dramatic fashion. I
don't know if it's all that dramatic though because my emotions were as intense
as what is going on here. This was probably about the fourth or fifth day into
the retreat. The language maybe isn't exactly what I was thinking, but it gets
the point across.

"What the hell is sin?"
"Why am I even meditating
on this?"
"Argghhh!!! I hate this week!"
"God, You are soooo selfish!!"

I was really angry and confused. I remember talking about it with Paul
and I just remember him laughing about it. I was laughing about it too when I
was thinking back to it, but at the time I was really serious.

As I look
back, it was very necessary for me to struggle, to wrestle like that; kind of
like Jacob in the book of Genesis who wrestles with "God" (kind of ambiguous)
but in so doing, he is renamed Israel which roughly translates I think into "one
who wrestles with God." In the struggle, I began to delve more deeply into the
areas of my faith that I had questions about, that I needed to wrestle with. In
the end, strengthening my relationship with God and being thankful that God
allowed me to struggle with him.

The hardest part for me of this week
was to name "my sin." Paul kept harping me about it. I created the best laundry
list I could...well, I do that, and I do that, and I do that. And, in talking
about it, I still hadn't found "it." This caused me great frustration and
wondered whether there was even an "it" at all.

In writing this, I
realize how difficult it is to truly explain without going into massive detail
about how I worked my way into finding "it." It took me about 8 days. It was
triggered in one of my sessions with Paul when he said, "Ryan, you beat yourself
up too much."

His saying that to me really caught me off guard. I
brought it to prayer for a day and meditated on this, because he struck a chord
with me. As I began reflecting on it, I couldn't believe how true his statement
was.

"Man, I'm not praying very well."
"I wish I looked better."
"I could be a better brother to my brother novices."
"I don't sing very
well."
"I'm not fit to be a Jesuit."
"I don't know how to meditate on
this Week. It must be me."

Why do I do this?? This came to my "core sin"
-- perfection. It's not that having high standards for what I do is not
necessarily a bad thing. It's the way I react when these standards are not met,
and I often fall short of my own expectations. Coupled with my standards with
perfection was the inclination to inwardly beat myself up. I had just named two
nasty demons that reside within me. I would say that these demons have been the
source of what I call my inner hell.

In my sociology classes at Seattle
U, we often talked about built-in inequalities in our society. How, inherent in
a Capitalistic society, for example, is the drive to make money at the expense
of others. Arguably a demon/sin built into the system. I began turning my
sociology eye inward, and couldn't believe what I saw. Built in to me, this
demon of perfection was fed at an early age, fostered by parents who only wanted
the best for their children, which in turn fed the demon which kept telling me
that I wasn't good enough. Growing up, that was a source of intense resentment
and anger. This is my history, a story that I will always have with me. This sin
business also gave me a different lens of what I had learned through my classes.

Meditating on this showed me, though, that I cannot ignore this, as if
it doesn't exist. I would imagine that for all of us, unnamed demons reside in
us who have been with us ever since our childhood. They are sins in the sense
that they are extreme burdens for us that prevent us from being free. The naming
of it, though, has proven to be one of the most profoundly liberating
experiences I have ever had in my life. In the course of the remaining weeks and
even today, I have been able to recognize these behaviors in me that are so
prevalent. The challenge in the naming it is how to deal with it. For me, it is
a matter of faith and surrender. Sins that I daily need to offer to God, whom I
believe is only more than willing to take these burdens off of me. That is God's
unconditional love given to me. A grace daily received. Also, the naming of it
has been profound in my being able to reconcile myself with my family.

In talking to some of my brothers, their "core sins" are different than
mine; Ignatius' own "core sin" I learned today was vainglory. But I think it
says something to our authenticity of experience. If we deal authentically with
ourselves before God, we will authentically begin the healing process. The
silence was fertile ground to achieve this, which is why I believe having some
semblance of silence in our lives is so necessary.

(to be continued)

30-day retreat e-mail reflection: Introduction

2009-05-28T06:00:00.001-07:00

(this is the beginning of an e-mail that I wrote following my 30-day retreat)

First, let me say that when people first heard that I was going into this retreat, one of the immediate responses was: "Oh my God. Thirty days???!!! I don't know if I can even do one day." Keeping in mindespecially two of my brothers, I would have to say that if they can do it, anyone can. Hahaha

But, on a more serious note, there truly is something that frightens people in having to be silent for this long. In my own experience, it meant that I actually had to seriously spend time with myself, deal with myself, and just be with myself. I had to listen to myself. To listen to my surroundings. To quiet down, to slow down. If you can thus imagine the personal empowerment that happens in doing so, you will understand how, on some level, this retreat changed my life. Not drastically in that I had a complete conversion experience but rather that I have been given, gifted, graced with new lenses, new ways of looking both at myself as well as the world that I never had before. More importantly for me, new ways in seeing how God works in my life.

Just an aside. Ignatius believed that it is possible for everyone to have direct experiences with God. This caused him to be heavily scrutinized by the Church leaders at his time. Was seen as almost heretical, being in line with people like the alumbrados. I think that was like a mystic sect or something. Perhaps a link on the right will appear about them if you use Gmail. Anyway, on a number of occasions, he was brought under questioning by the Spanish Inquisition, and it's quite a wonder how he stood his ground against their accusations upon him, but he believed he was in the right. He never wavered against them but probably grew strength from it as a result from gaining positive sentences from them.

I write that aside because I truly believe I was having direct experiences with God in this past month. And that belief probably makes me appear foolish or crazy. But, I stand my ground. Some may say: "it was just your imagination." Maybe so. But I believe, in my case, God worked strongly with my imagination. In fact, the imagination is an essential part of Ignatius' exercises. A faculty we grow up having as kids but is stifled as we grow older. As I've been with the Jesuits, I have been reclaiming that aspect of myself that was lost many years ago; it has been profoundly liberating.

I've given some thought as to how much information I should actually be sharing. Listening to my heart, though, I think it's important for me to be as open as I need to be in my experience since I think that maybe something may be gained from your reading it. Who knows? Maybe not. Wishful thinking

So now, a little explanation about the Exercises and what my day
looked like.

My days

I was required to pray four hours a day, or pray four times a day an hour each, sometimes five if I did the midnight meditations. I stopped doing those because they took a toll on me and would have affected the other four prayer periods. Besides that, I had my daily meetings with my spiritual director, Paul Fitterer, in the morning for 45 minutes, the normal meal periods, and then Mass daily at 5:00 PM. So, in the meantime...let's just say I got a lot of exercise in and a lot of reading, with a few days here and there where I would take the bus to downtown. For someone who rarely exercises (ask my family and former roommates, there's something striking about being able to jog on the treadmill 2 to 2 and a half miles almost everyday towards the end of the retreat.

Just a note about Paul. There's something wonderful when I think about how great it was that Paul, who is in his seventies, still is filled with energy to guide four of us in these exercises. A work that gives him, in his age, renewed life and strength. And this is new work for him, since he is as new to the novitiate as we first year novices are.

Anyway, being in silence isn't a matter of cloistering yourself; rather, it is a mode of being. So, I could be somewhere like the mall yet still retain my being of silence. But, for the most part, I spent my time in the novitiate.

What I was doing during those prayer periods were the Spiritual Exercises, the fountain of Jesuit formation. During this past month, writing in my journals was my primary form of praying. This becomes most apparent because I filled a journal and a half worth of my prayer experiences. So, I think I may have prayed approximately 175-200 pages worth in this past month. Took a toll on the $50 dollars I receive every month ( I decided to buy the fancy journals just for this month, knowing this would be a special time for me). But, for me, it was worth the price.

The Spiritual Exercises

Let me begin by saying that if you understand what is going on in the Spiritual Exercises, you will understand, at least in my perspective, what makes the largest Catholic order of men tick -- what inspires us to be "Contemplatives in Action."

I'll try my best to explain them. But please know that this is my perception of the Exercises, and I know that my other novice brothers had different experiences of them.

The Exercises are broken up
into Four Weeks.
Week I: Meditation on Sin
Week II: Meditation on
the Life of Christ
Week III: Meditation on the Death of Christ
Week IV:
Meditation on the Resurrection of Christ

There is a reason the name of the Jesuits is "The Society of Jesus." Our lives are grounded in our understanding and relationship with Jesus. If you are able to understand how we understand Jesus and His role in our lives, you will grasp the essence of the Jesuit (of course, this is an ideal for us, to follow in the path of Jesus, but we fail countless times. But that, in part, is the beauty of
it)

(to be continued)

Annual 8 day retreat

2009-05-27T15:41:00.003-07:00

I will be entering into my 8-day silent retreat today, which I am very much looking forward to. In the meantime, however, I have prepared a number of posts that will automatically be posted throughout the next week or so.

While I was in the novitiate, I was quite the prolific mass e-mail writer, and I would often e-mail lengthy e-mails about my time in the Jesuits. I wrote a very lengthy post after coming out of my 30-day retreat, and I thought I would share that with you.

So, what you will be reading in the next week is something I wrote in my first few months in the novitiate.

My prayers for all of you as I enter this time of reflection and of deepening my relationship with God.

Ignatian Spirituality and Right Vision

2009-05-25T13:50:00.002-07:00

At the beginning of his book, Fr. Fleming writes:

It's often said, "I'll believe it when I see it." but Ignatius Loyola reverses the saying: "When I believe it, I'll see it."

He begins with this quote because he asserts that "Ignatius thought that the right vision lies at the heart of our relationship with God." As religious who espouse the ideal of seeing God in all things, Jesuits and those involved in Ignatian Spirituality must necessarily believe that God can be found in all things if they are to see God in all things.

I think there is something to be said about "self-fulfilling prophecies." For example, if I sit at table and immediately judge that the next 30 minutes will be excruciating pain with the person I am sitting with, then that outcome is probably more likely to pan out. But, as people made in the image of God, I think we are called to see each other in the way that God sees us. Despite our sins and our failings, we continue to be loved unconditionally, no exceptions. I don't think we could ever love on the level that God loves, but we can certainly image that love of God towards one another.

Ignatian Spirituality is a calling into deeper and greater life, and Jesuits believe that greater life to be found in God. We seek to marvel at the work of God around us, in us. Where were those moments of great joy in our day? Where can God be a source of healing and reconciliation in our lives? We recognize the work of God as True gift in our lives--what were those moments in our day that were gifts to us? Do we believe God to be found in those gifts? Can we see God as a result of that faith?

A healthy spiritual life is a healthy way of seeing the world, of seeing one another, of seeing ourselves. Oftentimes, however, our way of seeing is very unhealthy. Distorted vision can lead to very unhealthy practices, leading to metaphorical and even literal death. Ignatian spirituality seeks to get us in the practice of seeing in a healthy way through the grace of God. Through prayer and the examen, we seek to instill habits that bring us life.

Let us pray for the grace of seeing the world in the way God sees, that our eyes can more readily recognize God's gifts throughout our life. And, let us pray that new ways of seeing may form us into the people that God desires us to be.

Book Review: What is Ignatian Spirituality? by Fr. David L. Fleming, SJ

2009-05-23T19:00:00.006-07:00

A thing that I have come to notice about the books from Loyola Press, at least the books that I have received from them, is that they avoid trying to be too "heady". These books, then, seem to be written for those who are interested in the spiritual life but are not looking for something overly intellectual. Fr. Fleming's book certainly falls into this mode. In his introduction, he writes:

I try to answer the question 'What is Ignatian spirituality?' not by systematic analysis but by describing the ideas and attitudes that make this spirituality distinctive. Ignatian spirituality is not captured in a rule or set of practices or a certain method of praying or devotional observances. It is a spiritual 'way of proceeding' that offers a vision of life, an understanding of God, a reflective approach to living, a contemplative form of praying, a reverential attitude to our world, and an expectation fo finding God daily.

For those who are seeking to gain a greater understanding of Ignatian spirituality, I think Fr. Fleming's book provides some valuable insights into the Ignatian way of proceeding. When he is asking 'what is Ignatian spirituality?', I think he is also exploring what it means to be a Jesuit. Those who desire to understand Jesuits better can find a lot of good information here.

As I was reading this book, it struck me that it is impossible, at least for me, to get through this book in one sitting. It would be like eating your food all at once without really enjoying each bite. This happens to me a lot when I engage in spiritual reading. I feel like I need to digest each point, to allow the insights to sit and marinate for a while. Certainly, I feel like this is the case with Fr. Fleming's book. I could get a general sense of what Fr. Fleming is doing in this book in one sitting, since you could probably read this quickly in about an hour or two. But to do that, I think, would be missing the point of the book. He writes more for the heart than for the mind, a point he makes about the Ignatian way of proceeding--all that we do should be a response of the heart. I think someone who hopes to get the most out of the book can only do so by a prayerful reading of it, not of an academic reading of it.

Thus, over the next few days, I hope to prayerfully explore some of these points that he makes, so the upcoming posts are not a strict review of his book. Rather, it will be more an engagement with his book, since I think the question of Ignatian spirituality is a big one if you are interested in the question of what it means to be a Jesuit. You are welcome to join me as I explore a few of these insights.

Book Review: The Catechist's Toolbox

2009-05-21T10:16:00.003-07:00

Well, here's the first installment of a number of book reviews that I will be doing this summer for Loyola Press. Our first book is The Catechist's Toolbox: How to Thrive as a Religious Education Teacher, by Joe Paprocki.

Having taught CCD to 6th graders this year, I can honestly say that being a religious education teacher is difficult work. At least in my experience, there is no formal training for Catechists. Those who are new to the experience tend to learn how to do it on the fly. How to prepare lesson plans, how to present the material to a specific age group, how to manage a classroom, etc. are all details that we have to consider. And, since CCD is not a graded class, the Catechist must necessarily keep the material fresh and interesting, especially for the younger generation.

The cover image on Paprocki's book is an apt one. Paprocki uses carpentry images throughout his entire book as an analogy for teaching CCD. For example, sockets come in different sizes, and you need to use the right-sized wrench. In the same way, he says that one should consider the age group when coming up with a lesson plan. It wouldn't be a good fit to teach high schoolers like they were in 2nd grade.

Paprocki's book approaches the teaching of CCD in this manner. It is a very readable book and offers some good practical advice. I also very much enjoyed the various anecdotes sprinkled throughout.

The book is primarily geared towards new catechists/teachers, so more seasoned teachers may not find the book as helpful. Still, I would say that even these teachers can learn a thing or two here. What I found helpful about the book is that it gave me a number of points to consider when approaching CCD, to assess what I can do differently in my teaching. I felt, in my first year of teaching CCD, that I constantly had to re-evaluate and re-assess how my classes went and to think about how I can improve. Paprocki's book certainly offered some practical tools that I felt were helpful for me.

Tools, however, are only as helpful as the one who knows how to use them. Every catechist is different, so some tools that may be helpful for some may be completely unhelpful to another. In order to be a successful teacher in general, though, you must necessarily have a level of self-knowledge, to weigh in one's gifts/talents and one's weaknesses. Without that knowledge, you might end up using a square wrench for a round socket without realizing it.

So, I think it is safe to say that some may find this book really helpful and some not so helpful. By no means is it a strictly academic work that provides an in-depth analysis in pedagogy. If you are a young CCD teacher looking for some tips, I think this would be a very helpful resource for you.

Heading out West

2009-05-20T12:31:00.002-07:00

I thought I would write a short, last post before I headed out of the Bronx and back out west. It's also the last time I get to write in my current room, so I thought I'd take my parting photo before I move into a new room.

In Jesuit life, you necessarily deal with constant transitions. It's always been one of the harder things for me personally to deal with, because I don't like saying good-bye to people. Part of that probably comes from my mom, since she always cries whenever I leave for the airport terminal. It's her way of saying that she'll miss me and loves me.

But, we pray for each other and wish each other well on the journey ahead, trusting in God's presence in all of our lives. We disperse likes the disciples after Pentecost, seeking to bring God's inspiration and love to the different peoples we minister to. It's a comforting thought for me.

Well, I'm sure you will be hearing from me not soon after I arrive in Spokane. For all who are traveling and moving forward to new phases in their lives, my warm prayers for you as you embark on this new journey. May God's light shine upon you all the days of your life.

Back from a little break

2009-05-17T19:10:00.003-07:00

It wasn't my intention to stop writing on the blog for this long, but the end of the school year took quite a toll on me. So, I took a break since I was just mentally exhausted from the constant writing I have been doing.

First, an update on my summer plans. A few weeks ago, I had shared that I would be going to Seattle to work on the 4-weeks-a-Jesuit program that would be starting this year. Unfortunately, the program fell through, and so I have been recently reassigned to work at the Jesuit infirmary in Spokane, WA. Of course, I was very much looking forward to spending time in Seattle, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed to be reassigned. After praying over this new development, however, I feel much more at peace with this decision. I felt that God was telling me that my elder brothers in the infirmary had need of my presence, that I had something to offer them--and, that I had much to learn from them. Being open to the experience, and trusting in God's continued presence and work in my life. So far, in my young Jesuit life, I have found the vow of obedience to be one that has brought me a lot of life, as it has opened me up to possibilities that I would not have envisioned for myself. Indeed, those places which I have been sent have been extremely positive experiences, and I have been able to find great joy. So, I trust that my time in Spokane at the infirmary will be a time of much enrichment and growth for me, and I know that the Jesuits there will be appreciative of my presence.

Now, some upcoming attractions for my blog during the summer:
1) A few months ago, Loyola Press was gracious enough to send me a stack of books for free for my own spiritual reading. I promised to offer reviews of these books, and I intend to follow through on that.
2) Music videos. Well, if I can find a good, quiet place with a piano in it.
3) I love Star Trek, and I love Battlestar Galactica. I might write a few posts about this at some point. Yes, I'm a huge nerd
4) More dance videos...maybe. Last time I posted one, I made the NJN, of which I was not particularly aspiring to be showcased.
5) Finding things to write about that inspire me

Quotes: Love

2009-05-08T05:46:00.002-07:00

Each time anyone comes into contact with us,
they must become different and better people
because of having met us.
We must radiate God's love.
We must know that we have been created for greater things,
not just to be a number in the world,
not just to go for diplomas and degrees,
this work and that work.
We have been created in order to love and to be loved.
Love does not measure...it just gives.

~Mother Teresa

Quotes: Humor

2009-05-07T10:49:00.003-07:00

If there's one thing I know it's God does love a good joke.

~Hugh Eliot

Quotes: Silence Speaks

2009-05-06T11:44:00.003-07:00

Silence speaks, the contemplatives say. But really, I think, silence sorts. An ordering instinct sends people into the hush where the voice can be heard. This is the sorting intelligence of poetry, marked by the unbroken certainty of rhythm, perfect pitch, the placing of things in right order as in metrical form. Not rigid categories, but the recognition of a shape always there but ordinarily obscured by -- what? By noise, which is ourselves trying to do the sorting in an order that may be a heroic effort but is bound to be a fantasy.

Silence, that inspired dealer, takes the day's deck, the life, all in a crazy heap, lays it out, and plays its flawless hand of solitaire, every card in place. Scoops them up, and does it all over again.

~Patricia Hampl