Peering into My Future through My Elder Jesuit Brothers

Over the past two weeks, I have been spending a bit of time with the Jesuits in our infirmary here in Spokane, WA. Most have more than triple my own life experience. All of them, having ministered to others for so much of their Jesuit life, now rely on the help of others to fulfill their own basic needs.

One day, if I make it to that point, I too will need others' hands to be my own, to do the things I will not be able to do myself.

It is a humbling experience to be in the presence of these men. As people who greatly value our own independence, our encounter with those who have lost these facilities gives us pause to reflect on our own life, our own humanity, our own mortality.

They, too, were young once.

A few days ago, I accompanied one of the Jesuits to his eye appointment. The doctor had put yellow dye in his eye for whatever reason--I'm not a doctor, hell if I know why. When he came out, I thought it was one of the coolest things I had seen. It was like he had some inherent mutant powers that were just beginning to manifest in his old age. Storm's eyes become cloudy just before lightning strikes--I teased what supernatural occurrence might come our way. Well, later that day, I went out for a walk with him and asked him about the appointment. By that time, however, he had forgotten that he had gone to the eye doctor and asked me multiple times what day it was. He could tell me stories about events 30-40 years ago with amazing clarity, but the recent past becomes all but forgotten. He was a military chaplain who, in his career, received (if I can remember correctly) four purple hearts. I brought him around GU campus--to reflect at the statue of Ignatius at Cardoner, to contemplate the influence of Fr. DeSmet as one of the first people to venture out to the Northwest, to marvel at the simple beauties of nature on campus, finding God in the midst of it all. As we neared the end of our walk, I told him: "well, you can't help now but cherish the present moment. I'll remember it for the both of us--at least to the best of my ability!" It's a young memory, so it'll probably keep better.

All of these men have served in tremendous ways, and I don't think I will ever truly know what their life was like before my first encounter with them--who they have touched, what they have built in their lifetime. Yet, towards the end of their life, the elderly among us all too often become the forgotten. As the young go out to build memories, I think the old yearn to share their own--for those who will listen. But, I think they also enjoy hearing our stories as well--I think sometimes it makes them feel young again to see the life and energy of budding youth.

I've imagined myself if/when I reach old age--it's difficult not to when you become involved in the infirmary. What will sustain me? Where will I find life? I imagine that it is at this time, more than ever, that we find ourselves turning to our faith, relying in God. I can't help but think about Pedro Arrupe and his famous words after experiencing a debilitating stroke--words that continue to be incredibly moving and powerful for me. I will let his words end my post today:

More than ever I find myself in the hands of God.
This is what I have wanted all my life from my youth.

But now there is a difference;
the initiative is entirely with God.

It is indeed a profound spiritual experience
to know and feel myself so totally in God's hands.

-- Pedro Arrupe SJ,

More Book Reviews for Loyola Press

During my 8 day retreat, I was able to read two other books from Loyola Press of which I would like to offer my own thoughts. The first book is entitled An Ignatian Spirituality Reader: Contemporary Writings on St. Ignatius of Loyola, the Spiritual Exercises, Discernment, and More by George Traub, SJ and A Friendship Like No Other: Experiencing God's Amazing Embrace by William Barry, SJ.

I think both books have some great material in them, and I would give both of them two thumbs up.

Traub's book is actually a collection of essays on the following topics: the life of St. Ignatius, finding God in all things, prayer, the Spiritual Exercises, and Discernment. Here, Traub offers to us well-written essays from a variety of authors on these specific topics. Furthermore, at the end of each section, he offers other recommended readings in case the reader is interested in continuing her/his exploration on a specific topic. The essays that Traub offers us, then, are not meant to be the definitive word on these topics.

Personally, I loved this book. I felt that many of these essays articulate Ignatian Spirituality very well. During my retreat, I definitely felt that my reading of these essays enriched my understanding of it. Also, since Traub offers us more than one essay per topic, I was not getting just one perspective. I appreciated, therefore, the variety of viewpoints on Ignatian Spirituality--viewpoints which, although different, were not contrary to one another. For anyone who is interested in learning about or enriching their understanding of Ignatian Spirituality, I highly recommend this book. It is an excellent resource in so many different ways.

Out of all of the Loyola Press books that I have read, this one is probably the most academic in nature. Yet, it is also very personable at the same time.

There's is actually a companion volume to this reader, entitled A Jesuit Education Reader. I would imagine that this book would be of great interest to teachers and educators in our Jesuit institutions.


Now, on to Barry's book, which I also enjoyed very much. In his introduction, Barry writes: "What I hope you will find in this book is an invitation to engage in a relationship of friendship with God and in a dialogue with me. In the book, I do not provide answers so much as make suggestions and ask you to either try a suggested approach or reflect on your own experience in light of my suggestions. I hope that this will help you become a friend of God; the book will not attain my purpose if all you get out of it are ideas" (xviii). Barry writes in a way that is meant to engage you. Littered throughout his book are probing questions and exercises that he asks you to consider. If the reader does not feel moved to reflect and engage these, the book will likely lose much of its flavor.

Much of the book is meant to explore the question: what does God want in creating us? Barry answers this question with the title of his book. He writes: "My stand is that what God wants is friendship." Because of my experience both as a student in Jesuit institutions as well as being a Jesuit myself, this understanding of God that Barry proposes is very much in line with my own belief in God. In my own prayer, I have experienced God as One who is very personable with me, who loves me deeply, and who desires to grow in relationship withe me (I'm sure Aquinas would have his own views on this matter). Thus, what Barry does is this book is not radically new for me.

Barry, however, seems to write this book more specifically for those who have a difficult time relating to God in this fashion (everyone has a history). Barry is aware of the complexities involved in his view that God wants friendship with us and is not afraid to engage these complexities. I applaud him for his courage to tackle some of these difficult questions, and I think many will be quite moved by some of his responses.

For those who are seeking to have friendship with God, or even for those who think friendship is not possible, I highly recommend this book. Just be prepared to engage it!

Prayer Songs Series - 'Like a Child' and 'My Redeemer Lives'

I thought I would upload the last of my two videos at once, since I would like to do other things this week. So, today's songs are "Like a Child" (which comes from Psalm 131) and "My Redeemer Lives" (this version is not the traditional one).

I wanted to do more fast and upbeat songs, but it's very difficult for me to play and sing at the same time to begin with, so I can only do simple songs.

Happy Corpus Christi!

Like A Child Rests in its mother's arms, so will I rest in you (x2)

(Vs 1) My God, I am not proud,
I do not look for things to great.

(Vs 2) My God, I trust in you
You care for me, You give me peace.

(Vs. 3) O Israel, trust in God
Now and always, trust in God!

I know that my redeemer lives
the One who calls me home
I long to see God face to face
to see with mine own eyes (to ref)

(Ref) I know that my redeemer lives
that I shall rise again (x2)

I know that I will see one day
the goodness of the Lord
When God will wipe away our tears
and death will be no more (to ref)

The last day I shall rise again
shall be remade like God
My home shall be by God's own side
the dying, rising Lord! (to ref)

Prayer Songs Series - "Salve Regina"

A Jesuit favorite. I actually first learned this song in my Liturgy Workshop class in high school.

Salve, Regina, mater misericordiae:
Vita, dulcedo, et spes nostra, salve.
Ad te clamamus, exsules, filii Hevae.
Ad te suspiramus, gementes et flentes
in hac lacrimarum valle.
Eia ergo, Advocata nostra,
illos tuos misericordes oculos
ad nos converte.
Et Iesum, benedictum fructum ventris tui,
nobis, post hoc exsilium ostende.
O clemens: O pia: O dulcis
Virgo Maria.

(*eng translation)
Hail, holy Queen, Mother of Mercy!
Our life, our sweetness, and our hope!
To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve,
to thee do we send up our sighs,
mourning and weeping in this valley, of tears.
Turn, then, most gracious advocate,
thine eyes of mercy toward us;
and after this our exile show unto us the
blessed fruit of thy womb Jesus;
O clement, O loving, O sweet virgin Mary

Prayer Songs Series - "Humbly Lord, We Worship You"

Yesterday, I decided to try-out recording a few songs, so I'll be uploading them here over the next few days. I don't consider myself an all-star at piano/singing by any means, but I thought I would share with you nevertheless a way that I enjoy to pray.

Sing along =p Today's song is "Humbly Lord, We Worship You"

Humbly Lord, we worship You
Our Eternal King
You who died to give us life
Hear us as we sing (to ref.)

(Refrain) Jesus, God and Lord of all
Come to us, we pray
Thus united in Your love
May we live this day

Jesus, Lord, we offer you
every act this day.
May we live our love for You
and your will obey (to ref.)

Lord, forgive us all our faults
Others we forgive
May we strive with all our souls
Christian lives to live (to ref.)

May we love You in each soul,
and each soul in You.
One in our eternal goal
One in all we do (to refrain).

Rooftops (A Liberation Broadcast) as a Prayer Moment

During the end of my 8 day silent retreat, I was listening to the song "Rooftops (A Liberation Broadcast)" by Lostprophets introduced to me by one of my Jesuit brothers at Ciszek (we used it to work out). It became one of my favorite songs to play on Guitar Hero when I was home for Christmas. Anyway, I almost never listen to secular songs for prayer, so it was one of those 'being-led-by-the-spirit' moments. I had also never listened to the words of that song until that time, since I usually pay more attention to the music rather than the lyrics.

As I listened to it, I thought about where I was. Hayden Lake is an immensely beautiful place. Sometimes the lake sparkles, depending on the time of day and the location of the sun. The day is filled with birdsong and the serenity of the countless trees. I was so thankful for what I had been given, of all that God has done for me in my life. In the First Principle and Foundation of the Exercises, Ignatius writes: "Man is created to praise, reverence, and serve God." Being at Hayden Lake and witnessing the immense beauty of creation, it's difficult for me to respond other than in praise and reverence of God's work (as a first year novice, this passage initially gave me scruples). I imagined myself, standing on a roof, looking back over my life and God's work in it, looking out upon the beauty of a sunset, so touched and moved by how much I have been blessed that I could not help but scream a firm and resounding "Yes!!!!"

In the silence of my heart, I filled with awe and thanksgiving to God's mysterious ways.

It was a huge surprise, then, to go on Youtube and watch the music video of this song, which you can watch here (unfortunately, I can't embed the video here, probably for copyright reasons) The way I interpreted the song when I listened to it is in stark contrast to the way the producers of this video interpreted it. Whereas I saw awe and wonder, the producers saw anger and angst.

Well, I like my interpretation better. And, despite what the band may have intended, this is how I experienced the song, and I am grateful for the God-moment that I received.

Here's a Guitar Hero version of the song, though, that I found:

I changed it, again

Well, the recent title to my blog didn't stay very long.

It seemed like a good idea at the time, but I began to dislike the title more and more. Not that I have anything against being in God's embrace, but I don't feel like it fully captured what I had been doing with my blog and what I want to be doing. And, I wanted the word 'Jesuit' to be in the title, for different reasons.

During my 8 day retreat, one of the title's that I came up with was "In All Things." I was actually quite excited about this new title, because it captured more the spirit of the blog. Unfortunately, it's hard to be original these days, and that title, much to my chagrin, was taken by one of America magazine's blogs.

So, I sat here, wondering how I could rename this blog, and I started reading Gerard Manley Hopkins "As Kingfishers Catch Fire", one of my most favorite poems of his. His poem serves as the inspiration for this new title, since he writes about each thing in nature doing what they are meant to do, and ultimately speaks of Christ's nature.

Really, what I want to do in this blog is to be myself, not someone that I think others think I should be. To be that human being that God means me to be. That, for me, is to live the call that God has given me, and that calling happens to be with the Jesuits.

It's not the catchiest title, and it's not the most creative thing I've ever come up with. But, then again, I could sit here forever and never be satisfied with the titles I come up with, so I think this will do.

Well, I'm hoping this title has more sticking power. I have a better feeling about it, but no promises! It's my blog, and I do what I want to (with God's inspiration, of course!)