I've been meaning to write during this Holy Week, but I have found myself extremely busy this past week. On this Holy Saturday, however, I would like to offer my own prayerful reflection of the fruits of this day.
I was looking through my diary at a time I was in 30 days of silence. Monday, Nov. 27, 2006 @ 3:33 PM. I began the entry: To Jesus.
I had written a eulogy.
Our own feelings and emotions immediately following the death of a loved one is often jarring, excruciating, heart-wrenching. Tears flow in disbelief, our sense of time and reality distorts as we tell ourselves that it's all a dream, that it's not real.
The day after, when you wake up from the weariness of the prior day's intensity, a somewhat eerie silence greets you in the morning. You realize that yesterday did indeed happen, but rest has calmed, at least a little, what you were experiencing. At least, that is the way I have experienced death.
On this Holy Saturday, I wonder how the disciples felt after experiencing the death of Jesus. Their despair. Their hopelessness. What Mary felt in losing her son. The questions of why. And, I wonder how they felt the day after.
As I read my eulogy that I wrote over two years ago, I realize that it was my own way of trying to make sense of what had happened. I was affirming the impact He had on my life, as I wrote: "You changed my life...In the midst of my deep hurt, you came to me. You listened to me. You allowed me to cry. You hugged me and comforted me. For the first time in my life, I realized what it truly meant to love myself, to be loved."
And then, feeling the pain of pondering how He who changed my life was ridiculed, scorned, mocked, tortured, crucified, and put to death.
Of course, for Christians, we celebrate and have faith in Christ's death and resurrection of around 2000 years ago, so it can be difficult to truly enter into this Holy Saturday, of experiencing the-day-after feeling. This is what we are commemorating, however.
Have you had those day-after feelings? What was that like for you? I invite you to bring such memories to your prayer on this Holy Saturday, to put yourselves in the shoes of the disciples, of Mary, and all those who directly witnessed the cross of our Lord.