Praying with a Grieving Family

I was recently asked due to some circumstances to lead the Rite of Christian Burial/Commital for baby Abraham. It was my first time ever to lead a service of this kind, and it was an especially delicate situation since these young parents who were given great joy in conceiving him were quickly moved into great pain upon his death. Most of the priests here in the house were away at this time, and so Fr. Scott asked the parents if they wouldn't mind having a Scholastic lead them in prayer. He explained that it would not be a Mass, but--if they were okay with it--I would lead them in prayer during this time and perform all the actions that a priest would do excluding the Eucharist. They agreed, and so I was given the unique opportunity at this stage of my formation to walk with these two young parents in their moment of grief.

It's been a few months since I have last worn my clerics, but this time felt very special to me. I brought with me an alb, holy water, and incense, and I have never before felt as priestly as I did today. I was given a taste of what the future holds in store for me should I hopefully make it to ordination. It felt very natural and right to me--a huge gift for me. Today truly was a special day in my journey as a Jesuit.

I had been wrestling the past few days about what I would say during my reflection. What words could I provide that would give them comfort and peace during this time? As I prayed, I began to realize that I would not be the one giving words of comfort. Ultimately, I believed that God would be the One who would carry them during this time, and I would simply be an instrument that provided them the opportunity to have faith in His work during this difficult time.

We prayed the rosary at the beginning, and during this time the casket was open. I saw this precious little child before my eyes and was moved with profound sadness. Not long ago, this child had been in his mother's womb. Now he was eternally sleeping in this little casket.

During my reflection following the reading of the Gospel, I first shared with the parents that I could only imagine what they were going through at this time. It is only natural to feel intense pain and grief at this time--a pain I do not pretend to understand. The pain and grief is very real, and we are fooling ourselves if we think that we are not hurting at this time. They loved him dearly--how could they not feel pain? I gave them permission to cry and to feel that hurt that they currently feel.

In my prayer, four images came to me that I shared with the family. The first image I offered was the image of Mary, in which it is written in Scripture that her heart would be pierced with many swords. This is a striking image of the type of pain a mother feels when losing her beloved. I shared with them that Our Mother knows as well as anyone the pain of losing a child, and I invited them to ask Mary to teach them how to carry their suffering at this time.

In the first reading taken from the prophet Isaiah, we heard how God would wipe away all of our tears. This was another image I offered to these young parents--that God will comfort them in their sorrow and will wipe away their tears of grief--both external and internal. God wants to help us carry our load if we allow Him to.

We heard from psalm 23, and I offered to them the image of Christ as our shepherd who leads us through the valley of death into the springs of new life. I invited them to have faith in Christ who would shepherd them in their difficult time if they placed their trust in Him. I also invited them to have faith that He was leading Abraham into new and resurrected life, for this is our faith, and this is very much what we believe as Catholics.

Finally, we listened to the Gospel of John, in which Christ tells his disciples not to be troubled, but to have faith in God and faith in Him. For He will prepare a place for them and will always be with them. In this final image, I again invited the parents to trust that God has prepared a place for Abraham, a place in which he has entered into new life. Again, this is our faith, and more, now than ever, I invited them to trust in the work of Christ who has prepared a place for all of us.

Throughout my Jesuit life thus far, I have always relied on pre-typed words to aide me when offering reflections during Mass. Yet, Fr. Scott said that the less I relied on typed notes, the more I would be able to relate to the family. I trusted that insight and prayed that God would speak through me--an insight strengthened by today's daily Gospel reading, where Christ shares that in our hour of need, the Spirit of God will speak through us if we open ourselves to it. Today was the first time ever that I have given a reflection without typed notes, and it was a consoling experience of allowing the Holy Spirit to work through me.

At the cemetery, I had a moving experience in which I invited whoever wished to take the holy water I had brought and to bless Abraham's grave. Some of the little children came up and blessed the ground, and I found myself immensely moved by this gesture.

By the end, I had the sense that although the family was still hurting, they were immensely grateful for this opportunity to bring their grief and sorrow before our God and to enter into greater faith.

I find myself at this moment so very grateful for this opportunity, and I very much find myself as a result strengthened in my own vocation. At this time, I pray for all families who have lost loved ones, especially those who have lost children. May God wipe away their tears, and may they have faith that God has prepared a place for their departed children at His side.

A Day in the Life: A Photo Tour

I felt inspired recently to document a normal summer day for me here in Los Angeles through photos. Gives you a glimpse into the places where I am spending time. Hope you enjoy!

This is Casa Luis Espinal, the current Jesuit community that I am staying. It is a relatively small community with four other Jesuits currently living here. Two are involved with Dolores Mission and two are involved at Homeboy Industries. I very much have appreciated living in an Apostolic community during this summer thus far.

Around 9am in the morning, I walk for about ten minutes to the nearby metro station at Mariachi Plaza in order to get to Homeboy Industries (I know...it's weird taking public transportation in Los Angeles). I find myself praying quite a bit during my walks. Recently, my morning prayer has been to pray the rosary--perhaps being influenced by the Mexican community's devotion to Our Lady of Guadalupe and probably to quench my neurosis of walking in the neighborhood. Personally, I find the rosary roots my prayer in Christ, as each mystery allows me to go back to those powerful images of my silent retreats where I prayed over the Gospel scenes. It also centers my prayers of petitions for the day.

A few stops down from Mariachi Plaza is Chinatown station, the stop to get to Homeboy Industries. I must admit that I was quite surprised to see what Homeboy looked like--it's a lot nicer than I thought. One Jesuit remarked that the location is strategic--it is located in a place where a gang has not claimed territory. I'm sure some people don't like this place in their backyard. However, during my time at Homeboys, I often see many different groups of people being given tours around the place. They come because they often find Homeboys to be an inspiration and an example of how to approach the gang situation. Unfortunately, Homeboy is going through some financial difficulty, so the place is much emptier than before.

I recently watched a documentary: Father G and the Homeboys, which is narrated by Martin Sheen. It's received quite a number of film awards. If interested, you can read about it here.

Here is a view of the main lobby of Homeboys.

Here is Homegirl Cafe. Their tarts are soooo good. I've had lunch here on occasion. Very tasty!

On this floor, they provide different services such as counseling.

Here is one of the Jesuits: Fr. Mark Torres, who works on this floor.

Today, I had the privilege of sitting in on a healing circle with some of the Homies. During this time, I was given a very consoling image of a horse who carries me in my travels and guides me on the way--which I connected to Christ in my life. I was honored to listen to their stories, their struggles, and also their hopes.

In the afternoon, I head out to Dolores Mission to be with the men at GHP (Guadalupe Homeless Project). The walk from the house is another ten minutes or so, and I find myself during this time often praying for peace in the community, in our families, and in the world. As I mentioned in an earlier blog posting, the neighborhood has a sad history of violence. I recently visited a family who was commemorating the death of their daughter/sister caught in the line of fire between rival gangs while riding her bike a number of years ago. Her death, however, spurred community members to speak out against the violence; their street, now, is now more well lit and has speed bumps as deterrents. Dolores Mission has served as a beacon of hope for the community and a place where people come together to help bring change in the neighborhood. This is a picture of the School across from Dolores Mission.

At 5pm, I typically go to the daily mass here at Dolores Mission, which is celebrated in Spanish. I had the terrifying task of reading today (I have a hard time saying Nebuchadnezzer in English let alone Spanish). I think they understood me...

Here is the outside of Dolores Mission. To the right is the place for the GHP men. At night, a number of them sleep in the Church. Usually, I just spend time with the men, getting to know them and such. Jesuits talk about justice for the poor and lifting them out of poverty. I firmly believe that if we are going to help the poor, we need to spend time with them and get to know them. As one of the men told me today, the pain of being homeless is the pain of feeling invisible in society--the pain of feeling that no one cares for them. Yet, I find it quite inspiring that so many of these men talk about their faith in God and that they trust what He is doing in their lives. They tell me that they appreciate someone just taking the time to listen to them and to be with them. They desire to be treated with dignity and respect--as people created in the image of God, they assert that such treatment should not be conditional. When I spend time with them, I don't really consider them as homeless people. Some of them I simply just enjoy spending time with. One of them was joking with me today and asking when I will be pope. I replied: "if that ever happens, then we're in trouble!"

While I was with the GHP men today, I caught a glimpse of a group of teenagers across the street, and one of them was wearing a Jesuit t-shirt. I thought to myself: "Oh, I wonder if they're from Jesuit High in Sacramento." After a few minutes, I decided to go up to the group, and I ended up running into my junior social justice teacher, Mr. Tim Caslin! When I think about what spurred my interest in social justice, I typically think about him--he was the one that first opened up my eyes to the inequalities that exist in our world. He invited me this evening to spend a little time with them and to share about who I am and what I have been doing as a Jesuit. Such a small world! This group from J-high has been doing an immersion experience here in LA as part of their service learning requirement as seniors. It was a great gift for me to spend time with them and to share in some Jesuit High brotherhood.

Today was a little unusual because of my meeting with the Jesuit High guys--I ended up getting home a little before ten o'clock. Usually, I am home by around 8pm or so.

The rest of my time here in Los Angeles primarily will consist in the sorts of things I have just shared with you today. So far, I feel very blessed to be here and to learn from the different sorts of people that I have been encountering. Truly, it has been a gift to me, and I have been learning quite a bit. I have no regrets about being here--I feel that I am exactly where I need to be at this time in my formation, and I believe that God has been with me every step of the way. Such sentiments are worthy of offering praise and thanksgiving.

At Mt. St. Michael

During my eight-day silent retreat, I had the privilege of visiting Mount St. Michael, the place in Spokane, WA where many of the Jesuits in the Oregon province have been buried. Since my work in the infirmary last year, three Jesuits have passed away whose graves I was able to visit. Another one will be buried there tomorrow--Fr. Alex Mcdonald.

Hayden Lake this year was unusually wet. We had only two full days of sun--the first day we arrived and the final day of the retreat. My visit to the Mount came on an especially rainy Memorial day. Curiously, though, a window of sun came through right at the time of my visit. Shortly after leaving the Mount, it proceeded to rain quite heavily again. I took it as a sign that God was blessing the visit.

My visit to the Mount was an immensely consoling experience. I recently tried to construct a poem about it, but I don't find myself to be much of a poet. I think I'll just convey a sense of what I experienced.

While I was praying, I got a keen sense that what I was experiencing was something quite profound--an experience that defies the simple perception of things. I wasn't simply seeing the graves of the men or noticing all of the white stones in front of me. Of course I was seeing that. But I was seeing so much more as well.

A cemetery usually reminds one of death. I had the opposite experience. I paradoxically experienced a lot of hope and life in my visit. I saw in my memory the smile of a man who took delight in sharing his love for tennis. I experienced around me the beauty of the earth, the warmth of the sun, and the song of young birds. I meditated on the lives of these men who each had their own flaws and weaknesses, yet they heard the call of God and lived as best they could to offer their lives in service. I was in the company of Jesuits who sought to ground their gaze upon Christ--the One who looks out over the world with great love and compassion and the One whom they sought to imitate as best as they could. I had a felt sense that I was on Holy Ground and had a transcendent experience of joining in song with them the "Salve Regina." The Mount overlooks the city of Spokane, and I experienced these men looking out over the world with a desire to bring that light and life of Christ out to those who thirst.

Call me crazy, but here, I did not find the dead. I found the living who have risen in Christ and inspired me in my own vocation. Words do not do justice to what I experienced (which is true for most of my silent retreat where God abundantly showered me with grace and consolation). I believe such an experience would not have been possible for me without the richness of my prayer during my silent retreat in which many of the Gospel scenes came to life to me in a way I had not experienced before. It was a retreat laden with images rich in affect, and that carried over into my experience at the Mount.

I encountered a stone with a poem written by John Masterson. I thought I would end with his words.

While others find this place
deserted, it will be
ever pulsing with life
for me.

For over simple stones
On this wind caressed height
A host of vibrant men
stand bright.

Their eyes and words more clear
Than any I now know
In all the crowded town
below.

I see the living here,
Though spirits may have fled,
And moving numbly there,
the dead.

An assortment of things

First off, I would like to extend to all of you a very belated Easter. It is a beautiful time of the year in which we are called into new life and to rejoice in the resurrection of our Lord.

I personally have found myself quite busy since the beginning of Holy Week, singing in the Fordham Choir and helping out with the festivities here at Ciszek. I feel in some ways that I have been going non-stop ever since with plenty of things such as paper writing, cooking, preparing for our recent Minor Ministries Mass, etc. Papers are also looming ahead, so as you can imagine, it is that crazy time of the year for us students.

My postings, as a result, will probably be a little more infrequent in these upcoming two months (but who knows, maybe I will write more frequently =p). However, it looks like my summer will be spent in LA, where I would like to spend time with Dolores Mission and Homeboy Industries. I am sure I will have plenty to write about during my time there.

I find my disposition in prayer these days simply to stop what I am doing, take a few moments to breathe, to place myself in the presence of God, and to pray in gratitude for my blessings.

I would also like to write a little bit about my April 1st post, since I have received mixed responses from it. Clearly, my April 1st posts these past two years have been resounding successes...maybe third time's a charm?

Primarily, I would like to apologize for any harm that may have been caused to those who took it quite seriously (and subsequently, I have taken it down as a result). It certainly was not my intention for the post to be a serious rant against my fellow brethren, and I realize that the post could be quite damaging. I was writing in a quite hyperbolic way and blowing small issues that a community may talk about completely out of proportion. It certainly could have been read that I had a major axe to grind.

Like any place, a little conflict is inevitable in religious community, but I believe it is also important to have a sense of humor about these things. Personally, I count my blessings if the biggest conflict in my life is wondering why someone hasn't restocked the bathroom with toilet paper. Clearly, many people around the world deal with much more serious problems in their lives on a daily basis. Again, though, I apologize for any misunderstanding and harm that may have been caused.

In the end, we are called to be like Christ to one another as best we can in our communities and in our homes. I believe the home to be the primary place where love must be cultivated and practiced if it is to be shared with the wider community. Indeed, as Jesuits, we have been in recent conversation about community as mission, but in the wider context, we can also speak about the home as mission.

Again, I wish you all a blessed Easter season! I leave you with a link to Holy Week at Seattle University which brought me many good memories.

A Glimpse Into My Prayer-Relationship

I've been thinking about my relationship to God lately during this season of Lent. What is my relationship like at the current moment? What are the hopes/desires of the relationship? Have I allowed myself to listen and be receptive of God's movements, or am I doing most of the talking in this relationship?

Like anything, it's one of those things where I say: "well, it could be better."

In many ways, I feel that what I often desire in my relationship with God is what I often desire of my closest relationships: intimacy (in the non-sexual sense of the word), authenticity, openness, understanding...a relationship that is stripped of the masks, where I can genuinely share not only life's struggles but also life's joys. A relationship open to growth and to challenges rooted in love. A relationship where I can simply laugh, smile, and be grateful for the time spent together.

Sometimes some of the most profoundest moments of a relationship can be spent in utter silence.

I have found myself particularly grateful for a number of shared moments I have had with some brother Jesuits. Deep, spiritual conversations on the subway, random hallway chatter, esoteric philosophical/theological debates, daily crossfit exercises, shared prayers before the Lord's table, even playful "pwnings." When I look back at these moments in prayer, I cannot help but simply say "thank you" and bow before holiness clothed in ordinariness. For, in those moments, I often find glimpses of the living Christ, glimpses which often go unrecognized until conscientious prayer moments bring them into the light.

If there is one thing I have been recognizing lately, it is that I have been very much learning about my relationship with God because of what I have been learning about my relationship to those around me. Good, healthy relationships take time to develop, and I very much feel that way about my relationship with Christ. It is a relationship I strive to tend to everyday, but of course, some days are better than others. But, God has always been there, always offering His unconditional love whether I take notice or not.

On the flip side, I have also noticed that my relationships with others is greatly improved when my relationship with God is in right order. When I have not been tending to my prayer life, I notice a stark difference in the way I am able to relate to others. Symptoms include irritability, heightened sensitivity, and even a little "bitchiness."

In my experience, a healthy relationship with God leads to a greater ability to do works of love, and works of love are the bricks through which the earth becomes built like heaven.

The Gift of Inspiration

"The Lord God formed man out of the clay of the ground and blew into his nostrils the breath of life, and so man became a living being (Genesis 2:7)."

I was recently attending to my private night prayer, slowing myself down and consciously breathing in the Holy Spirit, when I felt the consolation of noticing God's inspiration within me. From the Latin word Inspirare (In-into + spirare-breathe). One might also define inspiration as grace--a gift freely given by God.

In a fragment of his poem The Blessed Virgin compared to the Air we Breathe, Gerard Manley Hopkins writes:

"this needful, never spent,
and nursing element;
My more than meat and drink,
My meal at every wink;
This air, which, by life's law,
My lung must draw and draw
Now but to breathe its praise."

Artists, in the most general sense of the term, derive their life's work from inspiration. There is something about much art that goes beyond the artist. Somehow, the art taps into the Divine, is charged with the grandeur of God. God breathes into the artist, and through the art-form, that inspiration is channeled timelessly into the many that come into contact with the inspired creation.

How wondrous is the inspired event of the breaking of the bread?

We do well to take notice, to humbly receive the ever-present gift, and to offer exhalations of thanksgiving.

The Event with the Divine Word

Prayer is an event, a special time that brings us into relationship with God--God whom the faithful believe to be very present to us in the here and now.

When we read the bible, or listen to the Word proclaimed at Mass, I believe it is important how we relate to those words on the page or how we listen to the spoken word. Scripture is not simply an occasion in which we figure out what happened to God's people in the past or read about the historical acts of Christ. Of course, there is significance to such an interpretive reading. Yet, in the reading or in the listening, there is also that greater faith element of believing in the immediacy of God's real presence. In those acts, God is speaking to us.

One of the richest Gospel passages for me was read a few days ago: the parable of the sower. We listen from Mark 4:

"Hear this! A sower went out to sow. And as he sowed, some seed fell on the path, and the birds came and ate it up. Other seed fell on rocky ground where it had little soil. It sprang up at once because the soil was not deep. And when the sun rose, it was scorched and it withered for lack of roots. Some seed fell among thorns, and the thorns grew up and choked it and it produced no grain. And some seed fell on rich soil and produced fruit. It came up and grew and yielded thirty, sixty, and a hundredfold. He added, 'Whoever has ears to hear ought to hear.'"

Of course, one way to read this passage is just to skim read it and to glance its meaning. "Okay, plant your seed in fertile ground...duh" You hear it, you've "attained" its meaning, and then you forget about it. In this type of reading, has God's word really taken root?

Those religious who have written about the formal prayer of Lectio Divina understood the significance of prayer as an event. In the slow reading or hearing of a text, they understood prayer to be a means in which God can take root in us, to form us and to shape us, to change us into who we are fully meant to be. We allow God to speak, and we challenge ourselves to actually listen.

In an increasingly technological age of efficiency in which our greatest commodity is our time, the deficiency of our culture is our inability to pause, to be still, and to listen. I say that, because I understand the effects technology has had on my own life--the power of television and computers and iPods, to name a few. It's quite hard nowadays to think of a world without electricity and technology, but those days did indeed exist. I'm sure the experience and relation our ancestors had to time was far different from our experience now. Five minutes can seem like an eternity to us--I'm not sure they would have experienced time like that in the same way.

When I ask my 7th graders to sit silently for a few minutes in prayer, I see how extremely difficult it is for many of them. Yet, after those few moments, I have experienced a greater calm in them than if I did not start off my classes with those moments of silence. If we have not cultivated an inner space of silence in which we can listen to and respond to the Word of God, how can we ever have a real experience of God? How can we ever enter into those relational events with the Divine?

St. Ignatius, with his emphasis on the Spiritual Exercises, understood the importance of the relational event with the Divine in his promotion of using our senses and imagination with respect to the Gospels. For Ignatius, the words become more than simply bearers of meaning. The words become the bearer of God himself, the Word, through which, by faith, we are able to have a real and immediate experience of God. The words open up a world unto God's self, a realm in which His grace radiates forth in the here and the now.

It is perhaps a good question for us to consider our own relationship to Scripture--of how we read and hear the Word of God. What kind of soil are we cultivating through which God desires to take root in us? Where do we need tending? Where are the weeds?

Wrestling with God

Today's 1st reading from Genesis 33:23-33 has been a source of great spiritual fruit for me whenever I have come across it in my Jesuit life. It speaks to me, as there is something very human about the way Jacob wrestles with God. It is a common experience for us to struggle with God. Yet, it is in that wrestling that Jacob becomes transformed, symbolized by his name being changed to Israel.

"Because I have seen God face to face, yet my life has been spared." (According to the footnotes in my bible, it was an ancient notion that a person died upon seeing God).

The first painting that I found online comes from the artist Gustave Dore. What strikes me about this painting is the lack of effort that the angel seems to be exerting as opposed to Jacob. Jacob here seems intent on his struggle until he receives the blessing he so desires. I do not get a sense from the bible passage that Jacob seeks to overthrow God. He knows that God's power is greater than his own. Despite grave injury, however, Jacob perseveres with God--not to win, but rather to seek God's favor and grace. And, ultimately, God provides that which Jacob seeks, and he becomes a new man.

There's much about prayer life to be learned here.

The second painting is from Rembrandt, and he is depicting the point in which the angel strikes him at the hip. Jacob, however, does not seem to be in pain, nor does there seem to be any malice on the part of the angel. It seems to me that it's rather like what a doctor must do for her/his patient--sometimes, there must be short term pain in order for long term healing. Also, although Rembrandt seems to be painting the strike at the hip, the image looks completely different if you were not aware of the biblical passage. The angel, seen in another way, offers support and an embrace to an exhausted Jacob weary after the struggle.

What do you see? How do you relate to the struggle of Jacob?

A Prayer of St. Theresa of Lisieux

When I took one of the Jesuits to his doctor's appointment today, I encountered a prayer of St. Teresa of Lisieux on the wall of the waiting room that I really liked.

May today there be peace within.
May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that
has been given to you....
May you be content knowing you are a child of God....
Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.
It is there for each and every one of us.

Christ Amidst the Storms

This past Sunday, the Oregon Scholastics here in Spokane had a day of recollection--a time to pray, to share our faith, to discern our inner movements over the past year or so. Fr. Peter Byrne, a spiritual guru in our province, led our prayer and grounded it in that Sunday's Gospel reading--the Apostles and Jesus in a boat amidst the storms.

From Mark 4:35-41 (taken from the New American Bible Translation)

On that day, as evening drew on, he said to them, "let us cross the other side." Leaving the crowd, they took him with them in the boat just as he was. And other boats were with him. A violent squall came up and waves were breaking over the boat, so that it was already filling up. Jesus was in the stern, asleep on a cushion. They woke him and said to him, "Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?" He woke up, rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, "Quiet! Be still!" The wind ceased and there was great calm. Then he asked them, "Why are you terrified? Do you not yet have faith?" They were filled with great awe and said to one another: "Who then is this whom even wind and sea obey.?"

One of the great gems of St. Ignatius found in the Spiritual Exercises is his belief that all people can have direct contact with God, and one of the ways that he has the exercitant experience this grace is through our power of imagination. He asks the one praying the exercises to imagine herself/himself at the scene, to experience the storm, to colloquy with Christ at this time. And, since we all have our own history, our own experiences, the way we may imagine and experience this storm will probably differ from one another.

I imagine that many people would probably experience a lot of anger and resentment towards God for putting them through stormy situations. I experience it a little differently. I have certainly navigated my fair share of stormy weather during my life journey, but when I look back, I never feel that I was ever alone in the boat. I believe that Christ was always there to lend a hand, to offer words of comfort, to lead certain people into my life, sometimes even to throw me a lifeline when I needed it--even if I didn't recognize His presence at the time. It's not a "I'll believe it when I see it" moment, it's a "I'll see it when I believe it" experience that I cannot describe any other way. The light of Christ pierces even the deepest darkness, calms our raging winds.

At the end of the storm, sometimes you'll encounter a rainbow if you look in the right spot.

In terms of the Oregon Province, one of the ways in which we situate our experience of bankruptcy is through this gospel passage. It's a stormy time for us collectively, but I have personally witnessed a strength of faith and hope in the Jesuits here. We believe Christ is always with us and will lead us through this uncertain future of ours, whatever that may look like. Our material goods may get taken, but we have greater treasure that can never be taken away. And, it is these gifts that we have faith will sustain us. AMDG

Feast of the Sacred Heart of Jesus

Today is one of my most favorite feast days in Catholic worship--the Feast of the Sacred Heart of Jesus.

In the novitiate, one of my novice brothers shared a deep prayer experience he had of the Sacred Heart of Jesus. He recalled during one of his prayer moments that he had such an intimate experience of Christ that it was as if he could feel Christ's heart beat against his. At one point, it was as if their hearts were in sync--his heart joined in union with that of Jesus.

To this day, I continue to be moved by that faith sharing, and it has influenced my prayer on a number of different occasions. Indeed, I have made my own brother's prayer experience my own prayer, and the rewards I have reaped from such prayer have been very great for me. It is that warmness and intimacy of Christ that I so identify with, that connection that I believe He desires of all of us.

At Ciszek Hall, my first homily in the community was about the Sacred Heart, not because it was the feast day, but because we were celebrating St. Margaret Mary Alacoque (who shares a feast day with St. Hedwig), remembered for her strong devotion to the Sacred Heart. She actually had a Jesuit confessor, St. Claude de la Colombiere. One of the Jesuits from Bea house that presided today shared about her life--people thought she was delusional during that time, but it was Colombiere who was one of the first to affirm her prayer experiences. St. Margaret Mary is one whom we can find great inspiration in truly understanding this feast day.

May today's feast day bring you closer to that warmth and love which Christ offers to all of us.

Rooftops (A Liberation Broadcast) as a Prayer Moment

During the end of my 8 day silent retreat, I was listening to the song "Rooftops (A Liberation Broadcast)" by Lostprophets introduced to me by one of my Jesuit brothers at Ciszek (we used it to work out). It became one of my favorite songs to play on Guitar Hero when I was home for Christmas. Anyway, I almost never listen to secular songs for prayer, so it was one of those 'being-led-by-the-spirit' moments. I had also never listened to the words of that song until that time, since I usually pay more attention to the music rather than the lyrics.

As I listened to it, I thought about where I was. Hayden Lake is an immensely beautiful place. Sometimes the lake sparkles, depending on the time of day and the location of the sun. The day is filled with birdsong and the serenity of the countless trees. I was so thankful for what I had been given, of all that God has done for me in my life. In the First Principle and Foundation of the Exercises, Ignatius writes: "Man is created to praise, reverence, and serve God." Being at Hayden Lake and witnessing the immense beauty of creation, it's difficult for me to respond other than in praise and reverence of God's work (as a first year novice, this passage initially gave me scruples). I imagined myself, standing on a roof, looking back over my life and God's work in it, looking out upon the beauty of a sunset, so touched and moved by how much I have been blessed that I could not help but scream a firm and resounding "Yes!!!!"

In the silence of my heart, I filled with awe and thanksgiving to God's mysterious ways.

It was a huge surprise, then, to go on Youtube and watch the music video of this song, which you can watch here (unfortunately, I can't embed the video here, probably for copyright reasons) The way I interpreted the song when I listened to it is in stark contrast to the way the producers of this video interpreted it. Whereas I saw awe and wonder, the producers saw anger and angst.

Well, I like my interpretation better. And, despite what the band may have intended, this is how I experienced the song, and I am grateful for the God-moment that I received.

Here's a Guitar Hero version of the song, though, that I found:

The Practice of Listening

To listen, to truly hear what others have to say, involves a certain level of dying to yourself.

I say that because I can be a pretty awful listener and am always seeking to be better.

It's not that I have no interest in what the other person is saying. It's that listening necessarily entails, at least for me, a certain amount of energy devoted to the other person--an energy that sometimes I don't have. Or an energy I don't wish to give.

It involves being present to the other person. Not present to the past or to the future, but the here and now. Sometimes, it's hard to be in the here and now when a lot of things are on your mind.

And, as a huge introvert, I easily get caught up in my own thoughts. In focusing on what is going on within me, I can have a hard time paying attention to what is going on in other people's lives.

True listening, then, is an act of charity, an act of love. When you listen, truly listen, you give yourself over completely to the other person. You attempt to see as the other person sees, to understand as s/he understands, to put yourself in their shoes. You open yourself to share their joy, their happiness, their struggles, their sorrows.

The art of listening, of course, is crucial to the health of any person in a committed relationship. A marriage cannot be sustained without the ability to listen to your spouse. In the same way, listening is an essential component for those in religious life. As God listens to our prayers, so we are called to listen to our brothers and sisters, to those whom we have dedicated our lives to.

But, we are also human, and sometimes we have a hard time listening.

There is something to be said, then, of listening within the spiritual life, in a life of prayer. Just as it is difficult to hear what the other is saying, so is it difficult for us to truly listen to what God is trying to tell us.

Sometimes, we are not attentive to what God is trying to share. Other times, we become hostile to His words, even if they are the exact words we need to hear. We are all loved by God, but sometimes that love manifests itself as a sort of "tough love." It challenges us to look at where we are straying, what we need to be doing different.

"If today you hear His voice, harden not your hearts."

God does not give up on us, though. God's Eternal Word continues to speak to us, dwells deep within us, continually beckoning to be heard. That love, that everlasting gift, is intimately shared with us and takes root if we are receptive to it and allow it to be planted in our hearts.

"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God."

Let us pray, then, that we may form hearts and minds that seek to listen and hear in the way of Christ. Let us pray for that openness to one another, that we may listen not with judging ears, but ones of charity and understanding. And, let us pray that we may always be receptive and open to God's word, having faith that it brings great light and life to ourselves and to our world.

Some experimentation and some prayer

I decided to slightly format the blog a little bit, just to see if I like it. I might change it back if it doesn't grow on me.

Anyway, throughout the next week and a half or so, I'm going to try something different with my blog by actually using my blog as one of my prayer periods this upcoming week (I'll at least try to anyway). Specifically, then, my postings will be prayer writings, just to see what comes of it.


Lord, I call to mind at this moment that you are with me, looking upon me with tender love and mercy. I place myself in your presence, breathing in your Holy Spirit, the gift of life that is my inspiration.

Lead me, guide me this day, and always, that all that I do, all that I speak, all that I think and feel, my entire being, may be directed and formed by you.

I seek this day to cultivate the fields of my soul. In this Easter season, please spread your seeds of life into my being and nourish them with your everlasting water. You are my shepherd, my farmer, in whom I trust to create in me the life I am meant to live. Help me to be mindful of this inner field, to always create good and fertile soil for your work. Help me to be conscientious of the ways in which I poison and destroy the foundation for your work in me.

Lord, young chicks sing their song of joy this day outside my window. Trees are beginning to spread their wings in full bloom. Great and beautiful are your works. Awesome and wonderful are your creations. I rejoice and give thanks for all that you have given me and our world.

Yet, so many in our world are suffering, are filled with hate. Many are downtrodden and struggle to live this day. Please form hearts within us that seek to give care to one another, that we may look upon one another as you look upon us. Create in us hearts of mercy, hearts of love, impel us to greater service for our fellow brothers and sisters.

Lord, I seek to be at my best for your people, to imitate through your example, poor that I am. But, as you called your disciples as they are, so also you call me as I am. Help me to cultivate my gifts and talents, yet also help me to rely on you and others in my own weakness, that my weakness may be your strength.

As I pray, I know that you smile upon me, inspiring me with your life-giving breath. As I go forward this day, may I always be rooted in grounded in you. May I go forth as the person you created me to be. Amen. AMDG

On Prayer: Prayer Journaling

First off, my apologies for the technical difficulties. I hope it works this time.  

Now, I thought I would change it up a little bit and do my first ever video-blog--the main reason being that I have a bit of show-and-tell to do for this next one.  

As a perfectionist, there were a number of things on the video that I wanted to do-over. But, then again, I'd probably be here forever, since I ended up sharing for over 10 minutes. Unfortunately, the 'delete' button doesn't work so well with video editing as it does with writing. I notice I ramble at times and say things that I already have said, so watching myself has given me an opportunity to reflect on how I can better transmit my thoughts. Many people are terrified of seeing themselves on screen or even listening to their own voice, but I've had plenty of practice as a singer.  And, I took a Hopkins poetry class where my professor required us to record ourselves reciting one of his poems, so it's not new to me.  So, here I am, unscripted, unedited, and uncensored!

(Well, actually, it now is edited.  I didn't make another video but just ended up trimming the one I made. So, unfortunately, you won't get to see talk about my last batch of pan de ube--a Filipino pastry.  That also accounts for the abrupt jumps in the video...I'm no tech expert on these things but I tried to make it flow as best as I could) 

(*If you are reading this through facebook, as I have my blog automatically update to my profile, you'll have to access the video directly through my website. Youtube video doesn't stream through my imported notes) 

On Prayer: New Ways

The prayer techniques that I have written about so far this week have been ones used for centuries. Yet, with the continuing advancement of technology, specifically the internet and personal music players, new ways of prayer are opening up before us.  

One of the ways that has been promoted are guided meditations through podcasts. The British Jesuits, for example, run an excellent website that you may have heard of, pray-as-you-go.org. Especially for younger people in which we have pretty much grown up being technologically savvy, I think it is important to explore these new ways. I use this podcast quite frequently, as it offers a guided reflection on one of the readings of the day. It is probably one of the best online resources I know. You can easily subscribe to the podcast through applications like iTunes.  

The Irish Jesuits also run a good website called Sacred Space.  Some may be turned off by praying in front of your computer, but it may be helpful to you.  If you are to pray with your computer, I think this is as good as any.  There's even a new website that helps you to pray your examen online if that suits your style (which just came online the same day I posted about the examen). 

Of course, there are the iPods that are becoming increasingly prolific. Pretty much everyday now, I see someone with the market iPod headphones on (see picture). 

Now, you probably have your own opinion about them, but I personally have used my iPod quite a bit not only for my own personal prayer but also for communal prayer. Of course, in order to pray with your iPod, you should actually have songs on it that are conducive to your prayer. I have my own prayer playlists that I use.  

I'm sure there is plenty more out there. The web is full of good (and not-so-good) material out there. If your lives are as deeply entrenched in technology as my life is, then I think it's good to have technological outlets for prayer as well.  

This is the age we are entering. Clearly, I do not think the "old ways" of praying are obsolete.  If anything, I find them more relevant than ever. Yet, new ways are emerging that I think can only enrich us. Let us be open to these new movements.  

On Prayer: Composition of Place

This next method of prayer, Composition of Place, is of great importance when praying the Spiritual Exercises. It is also known as Ignatian Contemplation or Application of the Senses.  

In Luke 18:16, Jesus says: "Let the children come to me and do not prevent them; for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.  Amen, I say to you, whoever does not accept the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it." 

In order to use this method of prayer that Ignatius holds in high esteem, your prayer in many ways must become like that of a child. I say that because, to pray using Composition of Place, you have to use your imagination and have faith that God is working through that mental capacity that we have. This faculty we lose as we enter adulthood, but Ignatius is asking us to reclaim it. 

Ignatius, in the Spiritual Exercises, makes four points about Contemplation of Place. He writes:

"The First Point. By the sight of my imagination I will see the persons, by meditating and contemplating in detail all the circumstances around them, and by drawing some profit from the sight.  

The Second Point.  By my hearing I will listen to what they are saying or might be saying; and then, reflecting on myself, I will draw some profit from this.  

The Third Point.  I will smell the fragrance and taste the infinite sweetness and charm of the Divinity, of the soul, of its virtues, and of everything there, appropriately for each of the persons who is being contemplated.  Then I will reflect upon myself and draw profit from this.  

The Fourth Point.  Using the sense of touch, I will, so to speak, embrace and kiss the places where the persons walk or sit. I shall always endeavor to draw some profit from this."

Using this method of prayer, we are placing ourselves in the scene. We are not just thinking about the scene.  We imagine what we see, what we smell, what we hear, what we can touch, etc. For those in philosophic studies, it is a rather strange mix of the faculty of the mind mixed with the faculty of the senses. Typically, these two powers are separated, but in this form of prayer, they are combined.  We are being invited to experience scripture on a whole new level.  

Personally, I find the rosary to be a wonderful avenue for composition of place in that the Mysteries provide important scenes to contemplate.  Scenes such as the Annunciation, the scourging of Jesus, or the Resurrected Jesus appearing before the Apostles, lend themselves well to Composition of Place.  

Let me use the scene of the woman caught in adultery as a way to guide you through suggested steps for prayer.  As always, pray as the Spirit moves--allow God to lead and direct your prayer. And, I attribute these insights to my fellow brother Jesuits in the novitiate who taught me these methods.  

1) Place yourself in the presence of God, creating an inner silence within yourself.  

2) Ask God to lead you in prayer, to open your heart and mind to His gifts.  

3) Slowly read the selected passage (in this case, John 8:1-11).  Notice the details of the passage--the place, the characters, what is being said, etc.

4) Now, set the scene. Imagine the place--what does it look like? Who is there? Observe what is going on. 

5) What do you hear? What are the people saying? How are they saying it?

6) Allow the use of the other senses now. In this scene, you probably won't use smell or taste--but maybe you will. You may want to feel a stone at the scene--feel its weight and that temptation to throw it.  

7) Enter into the scene. How do you react to the scribes and pharisees?  To the woman? To Jesus? Perhaps you can identify more with one of those characters. Perhaps you place yourself as one of the scribes or the woman.  

8) Speak to Jesus about your experience.  How you felt, what struck you, how you were challenged, etc. Or, perhaps you do not say anything at all but to allow the fruits of the scene to penetrate you.  

9) End with a prayer of thanksgiving.  

A final note: composition of place is a wonderful tool to use when praying your examen, particularly during the review phase. I find composing the scenes of the day to be a powerful way to reflect and pray on the past moments. Seeing the people in your mind, hearing what they said, imagining how you responded, etc.  Try it, you'll like it =)

On Prayer: Lectio Divina

First off, Happy St. Patrick's Day! One of the priests here at Ciszek Hall, Fr. Rich Zanoni, shared this prayer of St. Patrick during his homily today that I really liked.  

Now, one of the methods of prayer that I learned in the novitiate is called Lectio Divina. It is the art of praying with sacred writing. Typically, Sacred Scripture holds the primacy of Lectio Divina, but other forms of spiritual writing may be used as well. Many religious use the breviary in this way.   

This form of prayer, as the name implies, involves the practice of reading.  Typically, when we read, we do so in order to gather information. Or, we may read for pleasure, immersing ourselves in a captivating story. 

Praying using the method of Lectio Divina, however, requires a mental shift in how we read. We are not reading merely to obtain information, to analyze the text as a scholar. Nor is Lectio Divina merely casual reading. Lectio Divina is meant to be prayed in a relaxed, rather slow manner.  We approach the text as if God is speaking directly to us. It is not merely reading the text; we must also inwardly listen. We should seek an inner disposition of silence which is necessary for Lectio Divina to be an effective prayer.  

Let us take, for example, Psalm 42.  The first line goes: "As the deer longs for streams of water,/ so my soul longs for you, O God." 

Personally, I could spend a good 5-10 minutes on that one line alone, if not longer. Perhaps that is the only line I use for prayer.  I may sit with that image of longing, that God provides the water that nourishes my soul. I dispose myself to experience that nourishment, that grace of God, at work within me. Perhaps I repeat the line to myself like a mantra, allowing the meaning of the line to sink deeper and deeper into me.  I may have an inner conversation with God about some inner struggle, and this line may be what brings me comfort. 

One could approach and be touched by this text in many different ways and yet would only have tasted a small bit of its richness.  The text embodies the great Mystery of God's Word, that mystery which we can never fully grasp. I may return to this line tomorrow, next year, ten years from now, and the meaning I gleam from it today may be totally different in the future. 

As I have mentioned before, prayer should change us for the better.  The examen, in its practice, grounds us with greater thanksgiving, propelling us forward through the sacred review of the day. Lectio Divina should also create positive change within us, transforming us to be better children of God and better brothers and sisters for one another. We cultivate our growing relationship with God and rejoice in His presence.  

Allow me, then, to offer you some steps to pray using the Lectio Divina, yet inviting you, as always, to make the practice your own.  

1) Quiet yourself down, placing yourself in God's presence. Foster an inner disposition of silence and of listening.  

2) Pray for God's guidance, that God may help you to pray faithfully at this time, that you may be open to His word, to His grace at work.  

3) Turn to the text.  Move through it slowly and allow the words to sink deep into you. Stop when a phrase catches you and stick with it as long as it is fruitful. It may be that you repeat the phrase as a mantra, or that the words form a scene in your mind, or you may use it to have a conversation with God.  Pray as the Spirit inspires you.  

4) When you are finished, end in a prayer of thanksgiving. 

  

On Prayer: The Examen

I noticed before I started writing this post that, over at the Loyola Press blog that I have linked on the right side of my site, Fr. Paul Campbell SJ already had written a short post on the examen. But, that just means that two people will be promoting the examen today. 

As Fr. Campbell points out, Ignatius felt the practice of the examen to be of great importance in the lives of the Jesuits. The examen provides us the way to take a step back from the business of our everyday lives, to recollect all that has happened, to see our day with the help of God.  Indeed, if we were to lose all forms of prayer except one, the Examen was to be the prayer that we kept. In a way, the examen is a small retreat in the literal sense of the word. The examen is a time to withdraw so that we may re-enter the world more grounded and more mindful of God's presence in our lives than we were before the prayer time.  

Last Thursday, I gave a short presentation and guided meditation over at Fordham, so I thought I would share some preliminary points about prayer before I walk you through the steps of the examen itself.  

1) Coming as you are.  God knows all that is going on in our lives--we do not need to pretend with God.  We seek to be our true selves, coming as we are to God in prayer. I do not believe God would want otherwise.  

2) Place. It is important to cultivate an environment that best fosters our prayer life. Personally, I know I have a hard time praying in my room, so I try to utilize the chapel spaces here in the house. However, that's one of the perks of religious life that most people do not have. Maybe there is a special place in your home that you find helpful to pray. Maybe it means going for a walk or using a candle. You know yourself best--find what works best for you.  

3) Taking your time. Especially in our culture that values efficiency of time, I think the temptation in prayer is to rush through it.  The examen should not be rushed. Going over your day takes some time and effort, but that time is well worth the investment.  

4) Flexibility. The rubrics of the Examen are there to help you, but don't feel constrained by them. Make the examen your own. Perhaps you would like to pray through writing, music, or images.   

Here, then, are the general steps of praying the examen as I know and pray them (I try to, anyway). These are not universal steps in the sense that every Jesuit does it this exact same way, but the core essence of the prayer is here. In the novitiate, we were given around 15 minutes to do our examens.  But, you just roll with the Spirit in terms of time, and sometimes the length of time you spend on any one step will vary from day to day. 

1) Placing myself in God's Presence

2) Gratitude

3) Petition

4) Review

5) Forgiveness

6) Looking Forward

For me, the examen is all about God's work. I find my examen prayers to be fully alive when I give up control of the prayer time and allow God to guide me through my day. The prayer is about God's initiative, of God leading us to those places and moments in the day in which we need to review. It is about what God has given, God's love, and God's grace.  Step one, then, is to remind ourselves of our faith in God's presence in the here and now. God is with us and desires to move into greater relationship with us. It is not just us talking at God as an abstract concept.  It is God leading us in prayer. 

Gratitude. As you may know, the greek meaning of the word Eucharist means thanksgiving. For Catholics, thanksgiving to God is the root of our prayer--it is our centering attitude towards the celebration of Mass. Many scholastics in my province go out to Hayden Lake for our annual 8 day retreat.  I remember looking out at the beauty of creation during one of those days, the richness of all of God's work, and thinking how one could not stop and be thankful for that bounty. God, indeed, has given us so much.  The root of all relationship, I think, is gratitude. Without gratitude and thanksgiving, our relationships lose their depth, they become shallow. Disposing ourselves with gratitude, then, allows us to enter more fully into the examen, as it encourages us to look through our day with that lens.  Oftentimes, we experience our day without gratitude, which makes the examen so important.  

Petition. As I have mentioned earlier, I believe the examen should be all about God's work. For me, then, this petition phase is to ask God to help me pray the examen, to ask God to lead me in prayer, to bring me to those moments of the day that I need to examine further.  And, I ask for an open heart and open mind, that I be receptive to the work that God will do. You may have your own types of petitions as you enter the review phase.  

Review. This step will probably take a majority of the time. Where is God leading us? What parts of the day is God calling us to see? Perhaps He will show us a moment of great joy. Or perhaps God will bring us to a moment of hurt. We consider those experiences, remembering how we responded, how we felt. It is seeing these experiences anew, seeing it as God sees it.  In this step, we have a conversation with God about these experiences--what we did well, where we can grow, where we need to be challenged. We converse and comment with God as a commentator would during scenes of a movie.  

Forgiveness and Reconciliation. Sometimes it is important for us to express regret and sorrow for our failings throughout the day.  None of us are perfect, and we often do and say things that we regret later on. How could we have responded better? Where do we need reconciliation in our lives? We are sinners, but sinners loved by Christ. God, in His great mercy, continues to beckon to us over and over and over again--God never gives up on us.  

Looking towards the future. Having reviewed the day, we are more disposed to re-enter the world with thankful hearts. We consider all that has happened in the examen period, seeking God's help to be made anew. Hopefully, our examens change us for the better, seeking to continue doing those good things that we have been doing already and to improve in those areas in need of improvement. 

I really do promote praying the examen, and I hope that it may be an avenue to promote your own relationship with God especially during this season of Lent.  

If you are interested in reading more about the Examen, I would recommend the book The Examen Prayer: Ignatian Wisdom for Our Lives Today, by Fr. Timothy M. Gallagher, OMV.  He uses not only personal stories to illustrate the steps of the Examen but also takes from the St. Ignatius' own writings, giving you a glimpse of how Ignatius examined his own day.  

Looking Ahead: A weeklong reflection on prayer

During the season of Lent, the Church asks us to keep especially in our minds 3 things: Almsgiving, Fasting, and Prayer. You can say that my reflections on Social Justice were reflections on a type of almsgiving--of promoting the giving and the service of others.  

I don't think I will have a weeklong reflection on fasting, but I would certainly like to take this upcoming week to reflect on prayer (I have the time--Spring break baby!). Specifically, I will talk about different ways of praying, methods that I have learned since I was a novice. This will probably be one of my more longer running reflections, as I will probably have more than 5 days worth of material.  So, you might see 7-8 consecutive reflections on prayer.  Maybe even more! 

Ideally, Jesuits are men of prayer--our entire lives flow from our relationship with Christ. I say that as someone who, by no means, is an all-star at prayer and slips in its practice from time to time. For me, I find prayer to be like exercise--sometimes it takes a lot of willpower just to begin, dragging my feet along the way, but I know it is time well spent. As exercise is health for the body, so is prayer health for the spirit. 

So, this week will be as much to share my reflections on prayer as it also will be to inspire my own prayer life through its writing. I invite you to join me this week, and I hope that your own prayer life may be inspired through it as well.