Retreating from the blog

This post should come as no surprise, as I have barely updated the blog since I arrived back in New York this past August.

I imagine in this last year of studies that I will not be updating the blog very much. As much as I would like to devote more time and energy to it, I find that most of my mental energy is directed towards study and paper writing, leaving little left in my reserve to offer anything of substance at the current moment.

A blogger should have something to say, but unfortunately I currently find myself having little to offer at this current time. Unless a wave of inspiration hits me, I imagine that you probably won't be hearing from me too often for the time being.

Until next time, I am retreating from the blog (which I already have been doing anyway). I have less than a year left to learn from and to listen to those who know much more than I do before I enter into full time ministry. It is primarily a time for me not to teach, but to be taught and to take in from the wisdom of others. The journey over the past two years at Fordham have certainly been tough in a lot of ways, but I believe the academic formation is important in a world that increasingly sees faith and the Church with greater skepticism. Hopefully, by the end, this time of study and reflection will have prepared me to offer words of greater depth and insight.

God Bless. AMDG

Summer Reflections: Initial Thoughts and The Challenge of Forgiveness

Before I came onto the site to write a post this morning, I noticed that blogger had some new features to toy around with. I don't think I've ever radically changed the layout of my page before, but I figured it was about time to give the blog a different look. Since my primary mission at this time in formation involves books, I thought the current background was quite apropos to the work I do. I rather like the new look.

Anyway, after being here in LA a week, I am beginning to have the feeling that this experience is exactly what I needed at this time in my formation. Although the time thus far has not been without its challenges and difficulties, I have found myself mostly in consolation. Most of the difficulties center around my own introversion and going into a new place and meeting a gazillion new people (but that's the Jesuit life!) Furthermore, I am far from being fluent in Spanish, so it is not like I can easily strike up a conversation with a number of the new people I meet here at Dolores Mission which serves primarily a Spanish-speaking population. Yet, I have found my first week to be primarily one to be very lifegiving, and that gives me a lot of hope and excitement for the rest of the summer. Despite the difficulties and suffering that the people face, I find them to be a people of great faith dedicated in the fight for peace in their communities and homes. The history surrounding this area is extremely violent, but as one ex gang-member shared with me at Homeboy industries, he believed the way to peace was to help lift the poor out of its poverty. Homeboy's motto is: "Nothing stops a bullet like a job." Youth here who find no hope in their lives will turn to gangs.

I had the privilege last Tuesday of attending a Liturgy Planning meeting with the Parish staff. During part of their meeting, they reflect on the Gospel reading for the upcoming Sunday (which happens to be today). In the Gospel, we hear that famous passage of the woman who washes the feet of Christ with her tears. As I listened to the Gospel, I shared with them that I was reminded of a scene in The Mission with Robert DeNiro, who plays a ex-slave trader who had killed his brother in a fit of rage. He is plagued by his past and cannot let go of the shame and guilt that he feels. In this scene, he is brought face-to-face with the people that he helped enslaved, and they have every right to pay him back with his own death. You can watch what happens here:

For me, this scene provides a strong image for how sin and forgiveness works in our lives. We often carry a lot of shame and guilt in our lives for some of the things that we have done. The Pharisees chastise Jesus for allowing the woman to come so close to him. Jesus knows what she has done, but he cannot help but look upon her with great love and mercy. He does not define her by her sins, because her sins do not define her. Rather, I believe that Christ sees only a person made in God's image, for this is what primarily defines her. I believe that Christ sees only that goodness within her that she cannot see herself. This so profoundly moves the woman that she cannot help but offer her tears of gratitude and thanksgiving. The forgiveness of Christ cuts her load that she was unable to let go of herself.

Well, the pastor here, Fr. Scott Santarosa, liked hearing about that so much that he has decided today to show as part of the homily this clip to the congregation during all of the Masses and ending with a moment of reconciliation in the community. As you can imagine, I was quite taken aback by this, since I didn't expect my sharing to amount to this sort of action. But, I am grateful that it will provide a moment of reconciliation for the people.

Like the woman, I think all of us are in need of forgiveness and healing in our lives, and we are lucky to have Christ whose gaze is the epitome of love, that love that we are all called to imitate in our lives.

Another Jesuit Blog Advertisement

I recently received an e-mail asking to promote a website sponsored by the Jesuit Community at Regis College in Toronto. Check it out!

The Jesuit community at Regis College (www.regiscollege.ca) in Toronto, Canada, has launched a prayer website ForThisWePray.com. The website has been developed to encourage people to pray online, an avenue for shared prayer across the world . People can submit their prayer requests online (www.forthiswepray.com), prayers are kept confidential and the Regis College community and the Regis Jesuits include all petitions received in their weekly Wednesday community mass at the college on campus.

Also, we have designed a special prayer e-card that can be personalized and sent to Mom with prayers for Mother's Day.

The Regis community also keeps a blog www.friendsinthelord.com, if you'd like to subscribe or add to your blogroll.

On an unrelated note, the recent news with the Catholic Church has been on my mind quite a bit lately. I have some thoughts to share on this matter, but I will probably set this aside until my work load diminishes somewhat amidst this busy academic part of the year.

Back from the Grips of Irrelevancy!!!

People of earth, I am back!! Back from the woe and wretchedness of obscurity, back from the sad state of insignificancy, back from the (insert catchy alliterative phrase) of (insert catchy thesaurus word)! Trust me reader, there is nothing so deplorable to the serious blogger than to see one's blog gather cobwebs and the chirping of crickets.

Oh, who am I kidding? I have no readers.

Alright, you probably think I have gone crazy, so I promise to check myself into the crazy-house. Actually, now that I think about it, I don't really have to move anywhere...

Mostly kidding aside, I have been wanting again to get back into my old practice of writing. A month and a half since my last post, no? It usually is that last month in the semester when my already crazy-self goes into that super-crazy mode of overly obsessing about my work. The thought of writing anything outside of my 20-page papers almost made me want to vomit. Of course, being a good Asian, I don't care about my grades =p

So what brings me out of that comfortable hole of blog-silence? Well, honestly, part of the reason is that I have been waking up in the middle of the night lately and have a terrible time trying to get to bed. It's been a number of days since I've been able to have uninterrupted sleep. But, if you notice when I wrote on my blog last time, I did it in the wee hours of the morning. Well, I figure instead of wallowing in self-pity for three hours that I would actually make the most of that quiet time. There really is something to those early morning hours that I can find quite peaceful.

Of course, a big reason for my silence is a struggle anyone who writes goes through: what really do I have to say that is worth sharing? I mean, there are millions of people on the intraweb and far more interesting blogs out there to read. Why would I ever want to keep up this blog?

Well, I've thought about it, and the only answer that makes sense to me is insanity.

Really, though, I do like writing, so why wouldn't I write? Well, to write is to be vulnerable. And, who wouldn't want to be vulnerable in this pollyanna society in which we support and constantly affirm one another?

Maybe it's masochism...

Anyway, I really do want to get back into a rhythm of writing, and hopefully I'm just not saying that. Well, knowing me, I'll wait two months, wake up in the middle of the night, and write another post about how I haven't written for two months and how I would like to write again. Lord...

Well, to spur myself to write, there are a few things I've been wanting to blog about (in no particular order):
1) A reflection on the horrific events of Haiti
2) Mapping my faith journey. Why am I a Jesuit?
3) Discerning my summer
4) More reflective writings on my spiritual life
5) Something music related

Before I end, I would like to say that I find myself very grateful at this time to those who support me--for their immense generosity, charity, and love. I am also grateful to know of God's continued work in my life. Undoubtedly, without God's grace, this life that I lead would personally be close to impossible.

Alright. Thank you to my two readers out there, you are the best! Also, happy Martin Luther King day! Let us pray for an end to racism in our world and in our hearts--that, despite differences in color, we may acknowledge the dignity and worth of all peoples. Let us also continue to keep close in our prayers our sisters and brothers of Haiti.

A New Vision

I began my blogging experiment a few months ago, desiring to express and share myself through this medium. I didn't really know what I wanted of my blog; I just knew that I wanted to write and to share my faith with others.

In some ways, I liked the title "....." There was a sort of mystery to it. For me, it was an openness to where God was leading me. To write when I was inspired.

Yet, I have felt an inner stirring to bring focus to my blog. To truly find my voice--to write in a way that is most authentic for me. What do I hope of this blog? Where do I want it to go?

Throughout this entire semester, one of the themes that has continuously come back to me is the theme of my journey toward God, that inward pilgrimage throughout my life that led me into my vocation with the Jesuits. I love God deeply, though admittedly unperfectly, and have faith that God supremely and profoundly loves me at a level beyond all understanding. God, through Jesus Christ, who, in his divine nature, came down to be as one among us, died a humiliating death, and as a result brought to the world a new and profound hope, a wholly different and radical promise of life, that has never before existed. It is that love which grounds me, that impels me forward to live this life of mine.

Sometimes, when I visit a number of blogs on the web, I leave feeling more depressed. It's a constant stream of criticism, of tearing down the other without care.

This is why I wish my blog to be inspiring--I do not intend this blog to be a polemical blog, although there is certainly a place for them. But, that is not my way. Through my writing, I want to increase that faith, hope, and love that I have of God and to share it with all of you. I want to continuously affirm God's presence among us, to find those moments where I cannot help pray in thanksgiving for what I have been given. To rejoice in all the Lord has done for us. To profoundly say yes to this graced life, to the gifts that God gives all of us.

This is what I desire, and I feel this is what God desires of me at this time.

So, I am changing the title of the site. Join me as I embark on this new chapter of my blog into God's embrace.

Philosophical Reflections: God and Light

At Yosemite National Park 4-5 years ago

Before I begin, I've been thinking, once again, about my blog. Just looking back through my earlier posts, I always seem to jump from one place to another. I might have a serious discussion about alcoholism, and then later follow up with a silly post/video. Unless I have a weekly theme, like the iconography of St. Ignatius, you never know what I'll be posting about.  Frankly, I never know what I'll be posting about.  In some ways, I could see how people would lose patience with my style because I don't really have a set style.  Or, you may say my style is ADD--it probably is. My interests are vast and diverse, and I try to incorporate my faith and Jesuit spirituality in all of them. I just get really excited about different things, and desire to share them.  It is, in a sense, a blogging with the spirit. So, I hope my blog thus far has not been too jarring for you.  

Anyway, since I am studying to obtain a Master's in Philosophical Resources (just the fancy way of saying the Jesuit degree for philosophy here at Fordham), I will probably be posting every now and then on some philosophical issues.  Today, in our Augustine class, there is one idea that stuck out to me--our discussion of the sun and relating that to God.  

For those of you familiar with the philosophy of Plato, you probably have encountered one of his most famous passages--the allegory of the cave. In this story, Plato depicts a group of people shackled their whole lives in a cave, and all that they see are shadows created from the light of a fire behind them. To them, these shadows are all that they know, since they have not seen anything else.  One day, however, a man is able to break free and emerge out of the cave. Never having seen the sun, he finds the light so bright that it is blinding to him. Soon, however, his eyes are able to adjust, and he is able to see the world anew for the first time in this light.  

Plato, however, is not necessarily talking about physical sight. Immediately following this passage is a discussion of education and knowledge. This allegory, then, is an image that illustrates the "sight" of our mind, of how we may know more rightly and truly.  

Augustine takes this image of the sun in one of his earlier works, the Soliloquies.  He writes: 

"Now listen while I teach you something concerning God from the analogy of sensible things, so far as the present time demands. God, of course, belongs to the realm of intelligible things, and so do these mathematical symbols, though there is a great difference. Similarly the earth and light are visible, but the earth cannot be seen unless it is illumined.  Anyone who knows the mathematical symbols admits that they are true without the shadow of a doubt. But he must also believe that they cannot be known unless they are illumined by something else corresponding to the sun.  About this corporeal sun notice three things. It exists. It shines. It illumines. So in knowing the hidden God you must observe three things. He exists. He is known. He causes other things to be known."

A number of years ago, I went to Yosemite National Park with my family in CA. The picture that I attached shows that it is a nice, sunny day, and you can see the beauty of creation behind. Clearly, those who wish to experience nature in its glory goes during the day. Without the light of the sun, all that you see behind me would be black, especially in more ancient days when we did not have light technology.  Yes, we need eyes in order to see. But, eyes in themselves are not sufficient for sight. Without light, all is dark.  

Augustine, then, uses that image of the sun to speak about how we see with our mind. For Augustine, we could not have clear vision without the power of God at work. Left to our own devices, our minds are caught up in the shadows of the world. In order to free ourselves from these shackles, three things are necessary: faith, hope, and love--"without these three no soul is healed so that it may see, that is, know God." 

Ideally, for Christians, we seek to see the world as God sees it. One may call a "seeing for the first time" a conversion experience, as Ignatius had while recovering from his critical wound at Pamplona. Many of us may have had those experiences where you have an "a ha!" moment.  You see something new that you never saw before in something quite old.  

That moment is real beauty.  That moment is a grace of God.  

When Jesuits pray the examen, we pray for the grace to see the day as God sees our day.  We strive to ground our understanding and our experiences in the light of Christ. This is difficult to do, especially when you are in the thick of things. This is why Ignatius felt the examen so important for us--so that we may look back on our day, seeing what transpired in a new light.  Ideally, we learn from this and try to integrate these graces for the next day. Yet, in reality, this is a lifelong process for us.  

It makes our life interesting. And, it means we have faith to find new light in all we do every day of our lives.  

I would like to end with a prayer from Fr. Pedro Arrupe

Grant me, O Lord, to see everything now with new eyes,

to discern and test the spirits

that help me read the signs of the times,

to relish the things that are yours, and to communicate

     them to others. 

Give me the clarity of understanding that you gave 

     Ignatius 

On Blogging: A Reflection a Few Days In

Just within the past week of beginning my blog, I've already been starting to have internal questions about it.  I have found myself obsessing about whether people actually read my blog, if they find it relevant, how many people actually visit the site, etc. What am I doing? Why am I doing this?  What is its purpose? It's a normal train of thought that goes on within me about many things.  

I found in the first few postings that I've had a real sense of joy of being able to express myself.  That I was doing something meaningful, and that I had something to say.  But recently, I've begun to ask--was it really all that meaningful? Did I really have anything new to say?  I mean, it's all been said before anyway, and probably by much smarter and more creative people.  What, then, is the point of blogging?  Why did I even ask permission to begin with?

I know, it hasn't even been a week yet, and off I go again on this sort of thinking.  

Those who somewhat know me are shocked to learn that I indulge in such mental morbidity, as I'm often perceived by some to be quite optimistic and positive which borders, or just plainly is, naivete.  For others who've seen that side of me, they ask: "why do you keep doing this to yourself?" I think specifically about past spiritual directors.  

In Jesuit lingo, we would say that this sort of indulgence is exactly where the dark spirit wants to keep us.  Indeed, it's so easy for me to get trapped, and sometimes I need a good slap in the face to awaken me to the self-destructiveness that is going on.  This is why my Jesuit spirituality is so important to me.  Without the tools of discernment that I have gained, I would be locked in a mental struggle for days, weeks, or even longer. 

It has been my faith that anchors me amidst the all-too-common days of habitual pessimism.  

When looked at through a different lens, I feel much consolation about what I am doing with my blog, to give of myself in my own, unique way. To write not only because I find life in doing so, but also because perhaps even one person will take away something from it.  Even if there was no one who read this blog except that one person, I feel it would be worth my time and effort to continue doing what I'm doing even just for that one.  

In the meantime, I will do my best to write on a fairly regular basis, for it makes no sense to "market" this blog if I don't have anything to really offer.  What I have to offer is myself, and I would like to share that with you.  

I truly would value any feedback, constructive criticism, how to improve the site, etc.  I'm slowly learning my way around this technological world of blogging, but I have so much still to learn.  

Still, for data gathering purposes, it is good to ask the question: is anyone reading?